25 Jul 06Who Is Rob Enderle?

He has been called a “forward-looking analyst.”

A “respected technology pundit.”

An “endless font of quotes you can get quickly on deadline.”

And a “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull.”

But who is Rob Enderle?

After Enderle was quoted in numerous articles about the Microsoft Zune noting how wicked boss it’s going to be, Crazy Apple Rumors Site conducted an in-depth look into this technology industry mover and shaker.

Rob Enderle was raised by a family of rabid weasels living under miner Earl Schmight’s trailer in the Happy Havens trailer park in Upper Turkeyfoot, Penn.

“I remember Rob running around here as a youngster,” Schmight said. “I’d yell at him ‘GIT OFF DA DAG BURN FORD FAIRLANE, ENDERLE! GOD DAMMIT, YOU’RE GONNA END UP NOTHIN’ BUT A HACK TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT!'”

Spitting on the ground, Schmight said “Turns out I was right.”

According to sources, Enderle learned everything he knows about technology by watching a turn-of-the-century stereopticon of two monkeys mating. Some time around 1995, Enderle lay wallowing in a mosquito-infested bog in south Florida when inspiration hit him. Rising from the sludge, Enderle uttered the words that would define his career: “Microsoft good. Apple bad.”

Park Ranger David Marchesi witnessed the event.

“He stood up right over there,” Marchesi said, pointing to a fetid pool of swamp ooze.

“Scared the bejeezus out of me.

“Snakes. Lizards. Alligators. Your occasional swamp thing. Those I can handle. But I don’t cotton to those technology pundits. No sir, I do not.”

Enderle has made a substantial name for himself* using the tried and true “No one ever got fired for recommending Microsoft” principle. What has earned him such enmity in the Macintosh community is his seemingly willful misunderstanding of anything Apple.

“It’s like reading the analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle,” said John C. Welch.

“I mean, seriously, how consistently wrong can one person be and still get called for an opinion?

“NO! Don’t end the article! I need someone to answer that question for me! HOW WRONG DOES HE HAVE TO BE?! BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GET IT!”

* “Asshole.”

No Responses to “Who Is Rob Enderle?”

  1. Mykie says:

    First?

  2. Jon says:

    Secondage.

  3. comacnut says:

    2 for me, no soup for you.

  4. comacnut says:

    Oh snap, I know you didn’t just use my tooth brush bitch.

  5. Jon says:

    Good thing I didn’t wait to read the post, huh?

  6. John Moltz says:

    Ooh, dude. He totally just used your tooth brush.

  7. Ventzi says:

    8th!

    An artist could offer weekly releases over Zune, for example. One week might be a tour of that person’s home or a spoken message to fans.

    Anybody ever heard of Podcasting?!?

    meow

  8. Huh? says:

    “…analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle.”

    Well class, my Pants™ and I believe that just about sums it up.
    That vision is going to be burned into my brain for a very, VERY long time.

    And I honestly think we really don’t want to see just how wrong someone can be. But I’m sure Mr. Enderle will help us out.

    moo

  9. Ventzi says:

    That’s the thing to which the “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull” refers here:

    “Where Apple, I think to a certain extent, focused on the user, Microsoft is taking a different approach and really focusing on the artist and trying to create a system that would best allow that artist to speak to their fans”

    …and 9th…

    meow

  10. Ventzi says:

    Huh? beat me!

  11. Nxxx says:

    Is it possible but only just possible that Enderle might be right?

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  12. OMGHAX says:

    That artists depiction is a fine illustration.

  13. HisSteveness says:

    I’ll hire Rob as new office pony, someone with his insight must get what he deserves… Yihaw…

  14. Bill Gates says:

    You can’t comment on something you haven’t read, like Microsoft, entering a market before understanding the market.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    No parent should consider sending their child to school without first consulting Rob’s “Back to School Buying Guide”

    Find the 2005 edition here

    Here we see Rob explaining …er…how….erm…no…parent…

    Well let’s just say that every parent will find this an invaluable resource.

    “Many schools don’t support Apple anymore and there are a few that favor that vendor’s products still and it is best to have hardware the school will support otherwise you’ll have a new job that I doubt you’ll find particularly fun or interesting (though it is a good way to force that weekly phone call with a child boarding away from home).”

    Hopefully Rob will have the 2007 edition ready to go any day now.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Bring back the “Preview” button.

    Sign the online petition.

  17. Some other guy says:

    Locked in a room somewhere there are 50 Enderles working at 50 typewriters.

  18. What a bonehead says:

    The missing “/” is in comment 16 just after “Buying Guide”

    What a bonehead!

  19. Nxxx says:

    John,
    How do you break up the Number One Post Prize? So far there are three.

  20. Nxxx says:

    Ist for the sixth time.

  21. A limerick a day keeps the women away says:

    There once was a pundit named Rob
    Who dissed on the Mac as a job!
    What, his readers can’t see
    That he’s dumb as a tree?
    When they buy their new Zunes they will sob.

  22. A Priest, a Rabbi, and their toothbrushes says:

    Is is time for Dvorak to say the iPod is “dead”?

    don’t know why I used the apostrophes around “dead”, but I like it. Kinda trendy, huh?

  23. Complete Idiot says:

    Forget this Enderle stuff. He’s a Win-doze guy. He isn’t supposed to know anything.
    Here’s the real news…
    Prototypes in Apple’s Secret Sexbot Program have been spotted in the field! Well, not
    in the field or a field but in a room somewhere. In South Korea. Diabolical, eh?
    While everyone is expecting sexbots to show up in Vegas, they test ’em in Seoul.
    Great head fake, eh? Oh, and they’re not very sexy in a throbbing, sweaty,
    mind-numbing, explosive orgasim kind of way. Just sort of “school marm” plain. I
    mean, it OK if you like that sort of thing. Who am I to judge? They are only version
    1.0 afterall. But HEY, they’re OUT there!! See for yourself…
    http://science.howstuffworks.com/female-android-news.htm

  24. UhhhDude says:

    I believe that’s Enderle playing the Cute Cartoon Bunny on the ComingZune.com site.

    You can hide, Ron, but you can’t run….

  25. Code Czech says:

    Stopping the runaway italics now. Or not.

  26. won says:

    Okay. I’m fascinated by this italic tomfoolery.

  27. won says:

    balderdash

  28. DNS says:

    This one made me giggle. Yes, sir it did.

  29. bynkii.com says:

    Sweet!…

    I’m in CARS!…

  30. C minus "see me" says:

    The guy certainly has a bit to learn about punctuation… or maybe on Windoze it takes something like “control-alt-3-shift-382974-execute” to find a semi-colon, even worse for an apostrophe….?

    “This is the laptop age, even if they won’t be required to initially have a laptop computer they will eventually and its probably time you went down that path.”

  31. A meth-addled circus poodle says:

    That’s it, I’m outta here. I know when I’ve been insulted!

  32. Dark Lord Ubuntu says:

    The key question that remains unanswered is, will the Zune PoS work with my modified Ubuntu OS on my custom rack mounted portable super-cooled wicked fast ultra-über-imitation-fat-free-mondo-polygon-rendering game PC?

    Because if it won’t, then I am like so gonna ditch Ubuntu just to buy a Zane, er, Pune. Oh, definitely some Pune.

  33. Ace Deuce says:

    Not too late to be first before all other firsts.

  34. Del says:

    20th 1st

  35. moldyapples says:

    Gimme some o’ that sweet zune-tang!

  36. J0n says:

    21st 1st!

  37. J0n says:

    Oh-by-the-way, this is definitely one of the Top-1000-Funniest-CARS-Stories!

    (Maybe even one of the Top-100!)

  38. Jeffrey says:

    If 50 Rob Enderles typed for 50 years, eventually one of them would spit out the words of Paul Thurrott and no one would know the difference.

  39. NWJR says:

    Apparently, Microsoft isn’t listening to Enderle. He recently said:

    “I’m starting to see a number of anecdotal reports indicating the market lust for the iPod as a product, and perhaps MP3 players as a category, is starting to cool dramatically.”

    COOL DRAMATICALLY! IT’S LIKE GLOBAL WARMING ONLY WORSE! THE MARKET WILL COOL DRAMATICALLY! APPLE IS DOOMED! DOOMED, I TELL YOU!!!

  40. A Priest, a Rabbi, and their toothbrushes, is it dead or only “dead”? The apostrophes (actually double quotes) seem to indicate that there is some kind of a catch or caveat.

    This is like two days in a row that I’ve corrected you. Please don’t make it a third or I’ll have to dock your grade for the course. And put your poodle on some sort of self-help drug recovery program.

  41. cb says:

    Who the hell thought “Zune” would be a good name? WTF were they thinking?

    We will never know how much they spent to “market test” the Zune name… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzune!???? WTF!

    They actually pay people for this stuff?!!!!!!??????

    My choice is… “MP3 player that you pay through the ass for and continue doing it for the rest of your natural life”

    or MP3ptypttafacdiftroynl for short…

    WTF were they thiking! Zune is a B movie title for christ sakes…

    ooooh…. the humanity!

  42. cb says:

    OK this is downright pornographic….

    ComingZune.com

  43. A Priest, a rabbi, and a mother fucking snake on a mother fucking plane says:

    Dratted Ronald, you may correct me but keep your bitch hands off my toothbrush!

  44. joey lange says:

    FORTY SEVEN BIATCH
    (and no, you can’t use my toothbrush. It’s in My Pants™)

  45. Arana says:

    I can’t believe it! Enderle is quoted on MacNN today!

    http://www.macnn.com/articles/06/07/26/ipod.failure.rates/

    “Rob Enderle, principal analyst for Enderle Group in San Jose estimates that 15 percent of iPods will fail within one year. The analyst noted that a 15 percent failure rate is roughly comparable to other small electronic devices.”

    “estimated”!!! What does that mean? He just made it up and there it is quoted as “information”. Where is his survey, what were his data? Don’t the MacNN people read CARS so that they can know this guy’s real history?!!

  46. Walking Contradiction says:

    Oh come on now Arana – 47% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 76% of the population knows that!

    And what’s with all this Enderle hype? Is this guy actually writing something somewhere? No really, I’m asking. Why you may ask? Because whenever I see an article on Winblows, I can’t help but to start laughing hysterically. Maybe I missed his name a time or two because of this. Honestly, I never heard of this bozo before this article …

    See? CARS has helped increase my knowledge of the world around me. And you people thought it was just a rumor site!

  47. Duranceau says:

    By the way, the word ZUNE, in French, would phonetically be spelled ZOUNE, which is, in Québecois slang, one of the least offensive words used to described the male genitalia. Corresponding to, say… ‘weewee’.

    In fact, the word sounds so inoffensive, that it has, in cases of lexical emergency, been used to describe female genitalia as well. Statistically, it is mostly used in schoolyards, trailer parks, and dog-grooming salons.

    Consequently, all of Québec has been giggling for the last couple of days, at the thought of Mr. Gates swearing that there was an 80% chance that he’d whip out his little zoune before the holiday season…

    None of that should be surprising, however, coming from a company called micro-soft.

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