24 Jul 06Microsoft Admits It Sucks And Is Stupid.

News broke on Friday that Microsoft had admitted that reports of its purported iPod killer – including details of its features – were true.

Analysts quickly determined that this admission means that the company has consequently fully admitted that it sucks and is stupid.

According to a Microsoft spokesperson, the device is, in fact, called “the Zune”, which is apparently a play on the word “tune” and some other unidentified word that starts with “z”.

Possibly “Zod“, the name of Superman’s nemesis, played by Terence Stamp, in Superman II.

“While all will bow before Zod,” technology columnist Glenn Fleishman said, “I don’t think the Zune is going to be as fearsome.

“Partially because the name blows.”

Other analysts noted that the technological “features” of the Zune – a subscription-based download service and the ability to transfer songs to other subscribers wirelessly – were distinctly “less than Zod.”

“People just love the subscription model,” Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said snidely.

“Oh, please, recording industry. I’ve already bought ‘Rubber Soul’ on vinyl, tape and CD. Now make me pay for it every day!

Snell went on to point out that there was no better way to get the best out of a wireless network than to try transferring a 20 GB music collection over it.

“And I’m sure everyone will now start calling podcasts zunecasts,” Snell said, moving his fist up and down above his lap and rolling his eyes.

While Microsoft did not say in so many words that it sucks and is stupid, it did shift uncomfortably and attempt a weak smile.

No Responses to “Microsoft Admits It Sucks And Is Stupid.”

  1. Sanjie says:

    FIRST!

  2. comacnut says:

    2 for me, no soup for you.

  3. comacnut says:

    “People just love the subscription model,” said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said snidely.

  4. John Moltz says:

    You know, do I go over to your site and constantly find fault?

    Hmm?!

    DO I?!

  5. Nxxx says:

    In view of John’s somewhat erratic publication policy, may I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas.

  6. comacnut says:

    “You know, do I go over to your site and constantly find fault?”

    If it’s not you then maybe it’s Howard. But I don’t mind so much, the constructive criticism has taught me how to correctly use the terms: “there are mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane” and ” that bitch just used your toothbrush”.

  7. Huh? says:

    Zune.

    Zune. I thought this was just another Moltzism….
    I was wrong.

    My Pants™ are hiding in fear that I might poo in them from the shock.

    Zune. A Zune-a-zune-a zune zune.
    Nope.

    moo

  8. Paul says:

    Erotic publication policy? Did I miss the sexbot photos?

    Also, John, I’m glad you made it home alright – there are all kinds of crazy out there, out to get you.

  9. OverclockedLemon says:

    Like Snakes! On a motherfucking plane!

    And eleven, if I typed faster.

  10. Paul says:

    That should read “crazy people”. The worst are the ones who can’t type.

  11. Ace Raider says:

    — > apparently a play on the word “tune”

    No,no,no. It’s a play on the word loony. As in Loony Zoony Toony!

    That way they get the Porky Pig tie in…. a-ga-a-ga-a-ga-That’s all folks.

  12. Ventzi says:

    The unidentified word starting in ‘z’ might be ‘zoo’… or ‘zombie’…

    …but I think that it would be better if we never find out. Like the ‘NT’ in ‘NTFS’.

    meow

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Microsoft may be gambling that “z” is the next happenin’ alpha character, after the likes of “e,” “i,” and “x.”

    But does Ubuntu or Linux have a “z”? No.

    Zune does incorporate the “u,” which is quite trendy, but the “z” is not ready for prime time. It’s not too late for Microsoft to rename their product with something a bit more seductive. They can keep the “u” and incorporate the “x,” which still has legs, and add a hint of the wild libido by using sensuous “s” in the name:

    Sux. Microsoft Sux.

    Third party marketing: “Buy Trojan Sox for Protected Sux.” “Get a Belkin Tux for Your Sux.”
    Magazine headlines: “Sux Education.” “Improve Your Sux Life.” “Sux Deluxe.”

    Aw shux.

  14. Ventzi says:

    This could be true! Really, this could be true…

    But probably Microsoft are just trying to tell us that this will be the end of it – in the same way the letter ‘z’ is at the end of the alphabet.

    And besides Ace Deuce, if your proposal was right, it should have been the zUne.

    meow

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Zune is a play on Dune.

    All the zune will play is the word Muad’Dib.

    That’s right Microsoft are trying to develop a Weirding Module.

    Stupid indeed.

    Oh.. Nxxx feel free to wish everyone a Merry Nxxxmas at TPA.

  16. disgruntled cynic says:

    …but I think that it would be better if we never find out. Like the ‘NT’ in ‘NTFS’.

    Obviously the “FS” stands for “Fucking Snakes” but the “NT” part truly is a mystery. And what happened to the “mother” at Microsoft?

  17. Zuneteen says:

    Other possible M$ words starting with “Z”:

    Zit

    Zero

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  18. Mykie says:

    Zune, desert planet.

  19. A limerick a day keeps the women away says:

    I once had an iPod that died
    I fell to my knees and I cried,
    “A Zune has done this!”
    As I shook my fist
    And plotted the Gate’s demise

  20. I'm a Zuney says:

    I recently went to the iZunes Music Store to wirelessly download all my favorite music to my Zune – wirelessly! The transfer speed is great – it only took a month! And I downloaded all of it for free! I just pay my monthly fee and it’s all free! And I am sure the fee will never ever go up, even if Microsoft takes over the market! So I just pay it month after month after month forever and the music stays free!

    And then I downloaded games for free! All I had to do was pay an extra monthly fee to get it for free! My favorite Zune game is “Dune for the Zune, the Game the Game the Game.” I even ordered the optional Stillsuit to wear when I play it. I am having a great time, but I have developed a strange craving for cinnamon toast. (Does that have the correct aspect ratio?)

    And my Zune only crashes once in a while. The crashes sort of pick up speed over time, but I can easily keep them under control by reformatting the hard drive every 6-8 weeks and reinstalling the WindowZ OS, and then downloading all my favorite music, games, etc. again. Downloading the music a second time only took me three and half weeks. And it is still free!

    (I am so upset about the lawsuit! The Zuni Nation suing Microsoft because they had the name first! What is the world coming to? People trying to take advantage of an honest, upstanding company that sets the standard for ethics in the software industry.)

  21. Zunebuntu! says:

    Yes, that lawsuit is very unfortunate. But when will they come out with the Zune Video, the movie the movie the movie? With the wireless upload, it can probably transfer in less than a year!

  22. NO!! THIS IS IT!! MICROSOFT IS GOING TO KILL THE IPOD!! I MEAN LOOK AT HOW FEATURE RICH WINDOWS IS AND HOW CHEAP IT IS AND HOW INTEROPERABLE IT IS!!! WOE IS APPLE!!

    That just doesn’t sound right, does it? I mean, I wasn’t buying it and I said it.

    I heard Zune will operate on 8-track tapes.

    That’s what I heard.

  23. That Cranky Old Guy says:

    Hey! You Zunes get off my lawn!

  24. A Priest, a rabbi, and a mother fucking snake on a mother fucking plane says:

    …all I wanna do is a zune zune zune and a boom boom!

  25. John Moltz says:

    Just so you all don’t miss an inside reference, “Paul” up there saying he’s glad I made it home safe is Paul Kafasis of Rogue Amoeba.

    He tried to kill me on Sunday night.

    He and his vicious horde of killer fruit flies.

  26. Zune Zox.

    They come in all the colors of the rainbow: blue, gray, platinum, offwhite, beige.

    Yeah, I know you all thought Bill was joking when he announced them….

  27. B.G. says:

    Paul, we are ALL very upset.
    We paid a lot of money for you to ‘take care of’ Mr. Moltz.

    Perhaps your fruit flies need better training?

    moo

  28. Chap says:

    Rubber Soul?

    Snell suggests Beatles catalog will be be available through Zune!

    That’s it. Microsoft won. 🙁

  29. UhhhDude says:

    Paul was right the first time. There ARE all sorts of crazy out there. It’s not just crazy people. (Apparently, even the fruit flies are in on the crazy too.)

  30. Del says:

    Paul you may remember that I offered you the use of the Roller Ponies or the Ninja Kittens to take care of your “little problem” at a greatly discounted cost. You declined because the flies were cheaper. While it is nice to hire employees that work for a little rotten fruit you can see the what happens when you don’t get quality. Come talk business in the Giga-Post if you would like to take me up on that offer.

  31. 2000guitars says:

    Great plan there Del. Moltzy doesn’t read the GP so it will be a total surprise. Good thinking.

    ?

    Oh.

  32. Mike says:

    Because it zucks.

  33. NWJR says:

    Zune sounds like a great name for a band.

  34. Nxxx says:

    Where’s The Invisible Boys Choir singing to Beethoven’s Ninth final movement
    KILL MOLTZY, KILL MOLTZY KILL MOLTZY etc.etc.?

  35. Sxxx says:

    zUne. Must be. So the next version will be the zDue. And then? The Microsoft z08 Personal Media Player (Pro) ((with subscription)).

  36. OMGHAX says:

    I will teach you the weirding way!

  37. Paul says:

    Actually, the flies were merely a distraction. The waiter (Barat) was supposed to sneak up on John and club him to death. Sadly, Barat called out sick, and his replacement (Brian) was not willing to kill a man. We stayed well past closing, in the hopes that Brian would become so outraged that he would kill one of us, but much to my chagrin, we both survived. Next time, Mr. Moltz, next time!

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  39. xule says:

    it is very good!

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