03 Aug 06CARS' WWDC Predictions.

With Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference barreling down on us like a tour bus full of booze and hookers – which, I understand, pretty much describes the evening program – it’s time for RUMOR ROUNDUP!

YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAW!

Let’s bring in the rumor dawgies!

In a long-overdue move, Apple will phase out the brushed metal theme and will introduce a new “cheesecake” theme. Sources indicate that menu bars will be a crunchy graham-cracker crust and the window beneath will be a smooth cream cheese.

Either that or its someone’s birthday at Apple and they’re getting an OS X-themed cake.

The sources were kind of far away and had binoculars with a really narrow field of view.

It is without doubt, however, that the company will reveal its plans for movie rental downloads from the ever increasingly misnomered iTunes Music Store. Why the company would choose a conference for developers for such an announcement is not entirely sure, but if rumors of discounted downloads of portions of the Girls Gone Wild series hosted by Snoop Dogg are true, that would explain a lot.

Programmers love Snoop Dogg.

OK, and cheap 20-year-old floozies who are willing to bare their breasts for a string of beads.

But who doesn’t like that? Other than some neglectful middle-aged daddies, I mean.

I’m sure Apple developers would really love it if the girls would lift their tops for a linked list.

Frickin’ dorks.

Finally, it is a near certainty that Apple will release some developer-related feature – possibly a Cocoa class called NSWindowToolkitMenuBarWithRetsin or something – that will be basically incomprehensible to you, the non-attendee. Somehow, however, you will find yourself discussing its implications with your Mac-using friends and opining on how it will be a boon to developers, even though it took you four hours to write an Automator script that empties the trash.

Well, those are all the rumors that we have near-confirmed or partially confirmed or somewhere near the intersection of Confirmed and Bullshit.

Well, those and the new Mac Pros.

But you don’t want to hear about that.

No Responses to “CARS' WWDC Predictions.”

  1. Crown Princess Mary of Denmark says:

    First Yesssss!!!!!

  2. Zeb says:

    FOISST!!!

  3. Phoenix says:

    fourth, or so…

  4. joey lange says:

    five? lame..

  5. comacnut says:

    I think I’ll take 6.

  6. 2000guitars says:

    Sounds like you got the goods on WWDC. The whole Package™ , as it were. Can you tell I like Packages???

    OMG PACKAGES!

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    I prefer a bottle of retsina to a drop of Retsin.

  8. Psyko says:

    I want Apple branded shrimp.

    MARK

  9. Nxxx says:

    I’ve heard a whisper that Apple might be going into computers but I don’t believe it.

  10. vitamin fortified says:

    Wow, 13. And it is Friday. Damn, I am doomed to kernal panics until Vista is released. Oh well, since I am doomed. What about the prediction that Leopard with cure world hunger, desalinate ocean water, and make a damned good cup of coffee with scripts for french roast, blye moutain, and 7-11 swill.

  11. Psyko says:

    It isn’t Friday…

    MARK

  12. Psyko says:

    GAH!!!!

    MARK
    MARK
    MARK
    MARK

  13. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob heard some rumors about Leopards using peoples tootbrushes and attacking Ponies (with or without undercoating) that had been locked inside Applestores, while the staff went over to Apple HQ to stuff their faces with creamcake. Isn’t it wonderful how ALL those rumors turn out to beundercoated?

  14. Groucho says:

    Miss Nomered? Who she?

  15. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    No doubt one of the pinup girls for the cheesecake theme

  16. vitamin fortified says:

    It is also predicted that Leopard will automatically adjust posts by shifting the space-time continuum, so those on the East Coast can correctly state that it is Friday though it still may be Thursday on the West Coast. And also run on Ponies with the all weather undercoat and the correct aspect-ratio.

  17. Vingt says:

    20 damn

  18. That Cranky Old Guy says:

    Hey! You bare-breasted ladies get off my lawn!

    Eventually!

  19. Bob the wrecker says:

    can somebody take care of these bare-breasted ponies? I dread to think what they could do to my toothbrush…

  20. NWJR says:

    iPonies. Mark my words.

    Didn’t anyone photograph the “OMG! PONIES!” banner before Steve’s minions covered it up?

  21. YOU says:

    Where can you keep the stuff that was in the trash before you emptied it?

  22. OMGHAX says:

    I’m looking forward to seeing what new games come free with Leopard. Getting a bit tired of Nanosaur 2 and Marble Blast Gold.

  23. ‘…even though it took you four hours to write an Automator script that empties the trash.’

    You can write one that quick?

  24. sipher says:

    27th! My entire self-worth was dependent on getting into the top 20. I need to go see my shrink.

  25. Aaron says:

    I think we ought to have more respect for our sisters in the topfreedom movement.

  26. Modrak says:

    It’s getting crowded here !

  27. Krabappel's son says:

    OMIGOD Apple will ditch OS X and switch to Ubuntu!!!11 😀

    http://stevenf.com/gfx/wwdcsurprise.jpg

  28. Bill says:

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  29. Hoodia. says:

    Hoodia gordonii….

    Hoodia diet pills. Hoodia patch. Hoodia….

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  31. Tony says:

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