04 Aug 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, Q: I recently switched to the Mac from Windows and I have been so disappointed.  Contrary to what I was told by many, A: Oh.  Really?  No levitation?
Q: No.
A: Astral projection?
Q: No.
A: Telepathy?
Q: No.
A: Not even a little telepathy?  Like spoon bending?
Q: No.  I swallowed a fork the other day, though.
A: Uh…
Q: I didn’t mean to.  It was an accident.
A: Oh.  Well, OK, see the thing about the Mac is that, much like the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings, it grants power to people according to their stature.  Like for Sauron or Isildur, they got the power to bend men’s wills to their desires.  Whereas Frodo was just able to turn invisible.
Q: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A: Uh… well, the point is that the Mac is probably granting you some supernatural ability, it’s just not that exciting.  Have you noticed anything different?
Q: Well… I do have longer and more lustrous-
A: Stop.
Q: Hair.

Q: I’m making a web site with iWeb and I’m having a lot of trouble.
A: …
Q: …
A: Trouble? Jeez, why is that like tooth extraction sometimes?
Q: Yes. Trouble.
A: Oookay. Can you be more specific?
Q: Well, I can’t seem to… uh… I have a problem… uh…
A: Choosing a template?
Q: No. My problem is before that.
A: Before that?
Q: Yes. Uh… see… this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A: Just spit it out.
Q: Oh, hell, I’ve got so many god damn icons in my Dock I can’t find the frickin’ thing! I mean, look at it! They’re all like a pixel wide! How about some scroll bars or something?!
A: Well, why did you put so many applications in your Dock?
Q: I… I…
A: …
Q: I have Dock fever! Help me!
A: Oh, you don’t need help. You need
Q: Todos? Cool! It lets me see all my applications at once and…. wait a minute. Did you just offer actual advice? You?
A: Bitch… do you think you can use my toothbrush?!
Q: Uh, no. No. Sorry, man.

Q: Wait, wait, wait. I have a major complaint about that last answer.
A: What? What? What?
Q: An actual solution? What the hell is that?
A: Hey, we give lots of solid advice to real-world Mac problems.
Q: Are we talking about the same feature?
A: Uh… I think so. Wait…
Q: …
A: Uhhh… no. Sorry. I was talking about that other guy.
Q: Chris Breen?
Q: Oh, no, no, no, no. That’s two Lord of the Rings references in one Help Desk. You get one. One, remember? Or are you forgetting the verdict in the Estate of J.R.R. Tolkien v. Giant Squid Productions, LLC?
A: We’re still appealing that!

40 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:


  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay, I downloaded Todos, installed it, tried it and, I dunno — 348 applications seems like way too many. Where did they all come from?

  3. John Moltz says:

    “Too many”?

    What the hell kind of talk is that? What, is this 1991 and you’ve got a 30 MB hard drive?

    And you call yourself an Ace…

  4. Psyko says:

    Moltz, where is the Mega-Post? You hid it and we want it back.


  5. Ace Deuce says:

    I mean, I’ve got Cribbage! What the hell is that? I don’t know how to play Cribbage!

    Though I suppose I could learn…

  6. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve got 6 versions of iPod Updater.


  7. Streetrabbit says:

    I broke a finger pressing Cmd-Alt-Ctrl-T.

  8. Jon says:

    I only got eighth.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Sense at last but then I went to download To*** but the last three letters struck fear into this aged body. Please, please erase those SYMBOLS OF DOOM from the site.

  10. vitamin fortified says:

    Tenth! Yes. I finally did something worthwhile. After hours of staying up past my bedtime. I am tenth!

  11. 2000guitars says:



    the whole Package™

  12. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:


  13. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    I only have 1,423 apps. Oh and before I meant yes, not no but yes.

  14. YOU says:

    14th, it’s my lucky day!

  15. A Priest, a Rabbi, and Fuck Ass from The Boondock Saints says:

    Bitch, don’t think you can use my bagel!

  16. OMGHAX says:

    That guy should make his dock as small as can be and turn on dock magnification to the max. Then your icons practically explode when you mouse over them! It’s the new styles these days.

  17. Squished Squirrel says:

    I still think “Pony bitch, do you think you can use my toothbrush?” sounds much better than the original.

    Maybe it is because I’m surrounded by ponies. Too many in fact. The wife collects ’em…

    My little pony, my little pony…


  18. John Moltz says:

    About the Mega-Post, Psyko, that’s disturbing. I can’t find it. Really. I even checked the database thinking maybe WordPress just wasn’t showing it. I’ll have to have Masako look into it on Monday.

  19. Someone who has never used the same name twice, but has used other people's names often says:

    I also do seem to have gotten longer and more lustrous-


    (nice work (The cribbage championship of India is just around the corner))

  20. monkeys says:

    Bitch, get a frickin’ toothbrush of your own for christ’s sake.

  21. Psyko says:

    Ug, that sucks. I lost my copy through sheer stupidity, but at least one of the others should have it.


  22. YOU says:

    Sorry for posting twice, I could not resist.

    AAAAARGHHHH 22nd!!!

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    First, I’m uh 23rd. The significance of that is that it follows 01 as in “01” “23” “45”… Sheesh, its just logical okay. It works. Trust me. What? It does!

    I have a major complaint about this post. Not only are there two Tolkien references. And one is too many. But I’m getting sick of the toothbrush thing. Knock it off or I’ll tell you what Howard really did to your toothbrush.

    Oh yea, I just used your toothbrush!! Whoot!!

  24. 2000guitars says:

    Moltz, if Masako finds the Mega-Post, I will love her forever. I will g…



    I’ll still love her.


    the whole Package™

  25. Jon says:

    Ubuntu is the featured article on Wikipedia today.

    NOT, if you’ll notice, Mac OS X Mobile.

    I mean, Mac OS X. Regular. What did I say?

  26. blank says:

    I suppose that’s one numerical progression of note. Here’s another:
    2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 23, 32, 42

    What’s next?

    Don’t worry, I have two toothbrushes, so I can afford to share one. Wouldn’t want it back afterward, though.

  27. John Moltz says:

    She’s got it.

    We’re not really sure how we’re going to get it back up (or more importantly, how the hell it got deleted in the first place), but we’ll see what we can do.

    Is one of you monkeys futzing around with powers you can’t control?

  28. Nxxx says:

    We always knew Masako had got/had it, it was who she is getting it from that is worrying.

  29. Todos says:

    I am an unholy combination of DOS and To. Phear me.

  30. Todos says:

    I am an unholy combination of DOS and To. Phear me!

  31. Psyko says:

    I’m going to guess that the kittens just got board one day attacked the MP. There really isn’t any other logical explanation.


  32. A Priest, a Rabbi, and Someone who has never used the same name twice, but has used other people's names often says:

    One of us isn’t on the manifest

  33. NWJR says:

    You can use my toothbrush if you can sing the My Little Pony theme song!

    My Little Pony, My Little Pony
    Isn’t the world a lovely place
    My Little Pony, My Little Pony
    Everywhere you go, a smiling face
    Running and skipping; merrily tripping
    Watching the morning unfold
    My Little Pony, My Little Pony
    What does the future hold?
    No sign of trouble in sight
    My Little Pony, My Little Pony
    May all your days be bright
    May all your days be bright


    MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Garp says:

    Not to go off topic or anything, but “merrily tripping?” There’s two ways to take that, and neither are very good. Either people are tripping over their own feet left and right and are absolultely thrilled about it or this is yet another kid’s show that teaches them to love the wonders of pot. Alright, so the second option isn’t SO bad. Heh.

  35. smell says:

    i pooted

  36. Huh? says:

    Well, I just got back from DEFCON14, and thought I’d check in.
    Now I have the My Little Pony theme bouncing around in my head. Thanks.

    I would have posted whilst at DC14, but my Pants™ advised against it.

    There’s no way I was going to let some bitch use my toothbrush.

    Oh, and everybody knows there’s only ONE trilogy… and it doesn’t have the word ‘Rings’ in it.


  37. Ace Deuce says:

    You’re referring, of course to Asimov’s original Foundation Trilogy.

  38. Del says:

    Mr. Moltzy

    We’d like to be able to read the Mega Post again. It seems we left some stuff there when we got unceremoniously evicted. We need to get back there so we can get the plans and and beta versions of the sexbot and return them to Apple. They were Apple’s only copies and they can’t put them into production until we return them. Plus one of the early model sexbot bitches took my toothbrush and I would like to have it returned.



  39. Squished Squirrel says:

    I would have thought he was referring to the Hitchhikers Guide trilogy. Never mind that it ended up being a 5 part trilogy.