Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I recently switched to the Mac from Windows and I have been so disappointed. Contrary to what I was told by many, many Mac users, I was not instantly granted supernatural abilities.
A: Oh. Really? No levitation?
A: Astral projection?
A: Not even a little telepathy? Like spoon bending?
Q: No. I swallowed a fork the other day, though.
Q: I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.
A: Oh. Well, OK, see the thing about the Mac is that, much like the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings, it grants power to people according to their stature. Like for Sauron or Isildur, they got the power to bend men’s wills to their desires. Whereas Frodo was just able to turn invisible.
Q: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A: Uh… well, the point is that the Mac is probably granting you some supernatural ability, it’s just not that exciting. Have you noticed anything different?
Q: Well… I do have longer and more lustrous-
Q: I’m making a web site with iWeb and I’m having a lot of trouble.
A: Trouble? Jeez, why is that like tooth extraction sometimes?
Q: Yes. Trouble.
A: Oookay. Can you be more specific?
Q: Well, I can’t seem to… uh… I have a problem… uh…
A: Choosing a template?
Q: No. My problem is before that.
A: Before that?
Q: Yes. Uh… see… this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A: Just spit it out.
Q: Oh, hell, I’ve got so many god damn icons in my Dock I can’t find the frickin’ thing! I mean, look at it! They’re all like a pixel wide! How about some scroll bars or something?!
A: Well, why did you put so many applications in your Dock?
Q: I… I…
Q: I have Dock fever! Help me!
A: Oh, you don’t need help. You need Todos!
Q: Todos? Cool! It lets me see all my applications at once and…. wait a minute. Did you just offer actual advice? You?
A: Bitch… do you think you can use my toothbrush?!
Q: Uh, no. No. Sorry, man.
Q: Wait, wait, wait. I have a major complaint about that last answer.
A: What? What? What?
Q: An actual solution? What the hell is that?
A: Hey, we give lots of solid advice to real-world Mac problems.
Q: Are we talking about the same feature?
A: Uh… I think so. Wait…
A: Uhhh… no. Sorry. I was talking about that other guy.
Q: Chris Breen?
A: AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEE!!! HIS NAME BURNS US!!! IT BURNS!!!
Q: Oh, no, no, no, no. That’s two Lord of the Rings references in one Help Desk. You get one. One, remember? Or are you forgetting the verdict in the Estate of J.R.R. Tolkien v. Giant Squid Productions, LLC?
A: We’re still appealing that!