09 Aug 06Executives React to Apple's Stock Option Investigation.

As the investigation in potential stock option irregularities continues, Apple’s current and former senior executives have begun to seek legal counsel.

Former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen has lawyered up, hiring representation from the firm Arguedas, Cassman & Headley. AC&H in turn has hired another law firm that specializes in technology industry stock options – Shea, Thurston & Greaves.

In a bizarre turn of events, ST&G then hired Heinen as a “subject matter expert.”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Heinen exclaimed, looking up from her legal pad suddenly, in the middle of taking her own deposition. “This isn’t right!”

CEO Steve Jobs claimed today that none of his options were backdated, but he did admit to changing a B- to a B+ on his high school report card using a fine point El Marko.

“The sad thing was, it was gym,” Jobs said nodding sardonically.

“Eeeyup. Gym.

“Mr. Stykowski… did not like me.”

In an effort to protect his assets, former head of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein ate his stock options earlier today.

“They’ll never get them now!” a defiant Rubinstein said, shoving company stock option statements into his mouth.

Rubinstein admitted that he may have trouble “exercising” his options at a later date.

Apple declined to comment officially, but the company has always advocated maintaining a high fiber diet.

34 Responses to “Executives React to Apple's Stock Option Investigation.”

  1. comacnut says:

    The Entinty said I’d get a disount if I mentioned his name.


  2. John Moltz says:

    That sounds like an awfully long sentence for him.

  3. GingerSex says:

    turd, that’s what those options he ate will become.

  4. joey lange says:


    hit the floor!

  5. Huh? says:

    Mr. Stykowski doesn’t like ANYONE.

    Although he will tolerate my Pants™ for a few minutes.
    Not me, just my Pants™. Weird.


  6. Nxxx says:

    Must see if I can make all entries number ones today.

    Now that’s what I did yesterday

    Let’s check theitalics.
    Thanks, John
    Useful fact, Mozart completed Eine Kleine Nachtmusik K555 on this day, August 10th, 1777.
    Now don’t you feel better educated?

  7. Someone without imagination says:

    I think I’ll just follow the standard post format:

    1. Say a number (like SPUD but in a foreign tongue): orteenfa
    2. Trademark something: Knickers™
    3. Find a spelling mistake: Eeeup has only 2 ee’s
    4. End with a non sequitor: Oh, my hair’s on fire!

  8. Huh? says:

    You forgot breaking the posts….


  9. Huh? says:

    Just had to break it again….
    John’s going to take away our toys…


  10. vitamin fortified says:

    Now with the universal #1. I will claim first. Because we all #1and everyone’s a winna in somebody’s book. And I have always chosen vegetable stock as my option for homemade soup. What do flavor do you think Rubenstein had? He looks like a beef guy to me.

    If Ponies ate stock options, would the resulting fertilizer allow money to grow on trees?

  11. OMGHAX says:

    Hey, Nxxx! You pwned those designated a number

  12. OMGHAX says:

    Hey, this weirding way ate my post! Must be some rogue stock options in the html.

  13. Bob the wrecker says:

    mayde the apple execs just had their options undercoated by some illegal pony outfit. They just wanna be no 1 2 4 what it’s worth.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    I have nothing to say, as I have no idea what stock options are.

    However I do want to claim a post. Not by number (that’s so early 21st century), but by color.

    Puce post!

  15. UhhhDude says:

    Well, I didn’t like Coach Stykowski, either. Especially after I found out he had drilled a peephole in his office into our showers.


    Besides, Steve probably got a B because gym teachers prefer to be addressed as “Coach.” Even if they only coach some wussy sport, like tennis.

  16. NWJR says:


    Mr. Stykowski was a horse’s ass.

    Or more correctly, a PONY penis.

  17. Step says:

    Puce Post!

    Oh…someone beat me to it.

    Well, Gargoyle Post then.

  18. John Moltz says:

    Word of warning: that’s the kind of crap that made tags go away in CARS 1.0.

  19. UhhhDude says:

    I am tag-free and have been since 1961.

    Except for that one time. I don’t want to talk about it.

  20. Buthidae says:

    Aww, I missed first score, and I didn’t get to see the fun tags.

    Primary poster of the second score of comments!

  21. 2000guitars says:

    If tags go away, what will my Package™ do for a living?


  22. nameless norman says:

    what’s a disount?

  23. nameless norman says:


    That’s twice eleven.


  24. constance wankerman says:

    Chinese scientists make a female robot.

    Looks like you geeks can finally stop wanking off.

  25. Anonymous says:

    stock option irregularities? high fiber diet? Guys, that’s _horrible_. 🙂

  26. Andre says:

    Jonathan J. Rubinstein has a great role in iPod creation, device sold for the first time by apple computer Inc in 2001. He is also a senior member of the IEEE. He retired in the April 2006 from the position of senior vice president of the Apple’s iPod division.

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