14 Aug 06Lackluster WWDC Keynote Explained.

Since last Monday’s WWDC keynote, Apple pundits have been falling over themselves attempting to explain what many felt was a lackluster performance by Apple and CEO Steve Jobs.

Some fear that the company has simply fallen behind the curve and that – contrary to Jobs’ protestation that he couldn’t reveal Leopard’s secrets because Microsoft was watching – Apple’s upcoming operating system simply doesn’t have any exciting secrets.

Others even believed that a poor keynote meant that Jobs might be sick.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources close to the Apple CEO revealed over the weekend that the keynote was sub-par simply because Jobs had his period.

According to sources, Jobs was irritable the entire weekend before the keynote, threatening to fire even more people than usual. By Monday morning, Jobs was not feeling particularly “fresh.”

“I don’t want to speak for him,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but I know that Steve was feeling bloated, crampy and, more importantly, not pretty.

“Several times he asked me if the black turtleneck and jeans he was wearing made his ass look big.”

According to Schiller, Jobs’ performance is predicated on his image of how others perceive him far more often than Apple followers might think.

“When Steve feels pretty, you get a good keynote. When he’s not feeling pretty, you don’t.

“Fortunately, he’s almost always feeling very, very pretty.”

Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did burst into tears as he ran away from reporters.

No Responses to “Lackluster WWDC Keynote Explained.”

  1. Huh? says:



    Um. Ok.

    My Pants™ are at a loss on this one.


  2. joey lange says:


    rhymes with


  3. comacnut says:

    3 rhymes with me.

  4. vitamin fortified says:

    Three. The magic number, yes it is, the magic number.

    Maybe if we all sang My Pretty Pony, Steve will feel better.

    Or should we just make a Pamprim Soy smoothie and turn on Lifetime and come back in a few day.

  5. 2000guitars says:

    OF COURSE! This explains everything. Might as well just take one week per month, and scratch it off the calendar. This would explain Apple’s recent stock woes, as well… Even my Package™ agrees.

  6. CHIME! says:

    guh! flushed, sweaty, emotional …. Steve-o and Schil went menopausal ages ago….

  7. Don says:

    Yey! Top 10! Numero 6???

  8. Don says:

    Steve has got to get himself a stock of these. Take one before each Keynote….


  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Steve can get some testosterone from those guys at the Tour de France.

  10. Toasted says:

    I’d leave some witty and bright and/or gay message here, except I don’t feel pretty either.

    Actually, it’s just a sunburn and seasonal allergies, but still….

    As if I’d discuss my . on a public website 😛

  11. Candy Apple says:

    Eleven. … sniff… but … YOU DON’T CARE! YOU NEVER CARE!

    Candy Apple

  12. Groin Theft Auto says:

    Damn! Some of your visitors from Europe (including me) is having their breakfast while reading the latest CARS story…

  13. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob thought the Keynote was spot on!

  14. Nxxx says:

    You are wrong John. Careful scrutiny shows a mysterious black velvet clad figure behind Jobs at the WWDC. One possibility is that Steve is no more, and the black velvet clad figure was holding his body up and operating his jaw, whilst all his other limbs were operated by strings from above.
    The funeral could be impressive with Leopard running on the casket.

  15. YOU says:

    I think Phil Schiller ate Steve’s dinner for a whole year!

    That could explain why Steve is so thin and Phil looks like the Whole Package™!

  16. shawk says:

    Mr. Jobs is rumored to have developed an allergy to developers.
    Well, allergy is to mild a word.
    He’s been clubbing them to death like baby seals.

    A potent combination of Jack Daniels, percosets, hookers and antihistamines got Mr. Jobs through the keynote without an untoward harvesting of attendees.
    As you have noted, this came at great cost to Mr. Jobs physical appearance.
    Mr. Jobs recovered from this difficult experience by consuming more Jack Daniels, percosets, hookers and antihistamines.

    Then he clubbed some developers to death, harvested their tee shirts and had them made into a sofa cover for his waiting room.

  17. RMR says:

    Whoa, Moltz! The female readers of CARS are going to be…wait…a…minute…
    Are there any female readers of CARS? Nancy Heinen doesn’t have to read it anymore.

  18. Nxxx says:

    Wottabout Del?

  19. Eses says:

    ‘an untoward harvesting of attendees’ Heee!

    And Del has company…we are the occasionally-quiet legions! But really, who has time to type in between mood swings?

  20. Del says:

    Yay I’m not alone! Chocolate for all! Even better Godiva Chocolate Liquore for all!

  21. He did look extremely skinny. 🙁

    Maybe he was depressed about all the people switching to Ubuntu and Yellow Dog Linux?

  22. won says:


  23. UhhhDude says:

    Ladies of CARS, show yourselves!

    Um, no. I didn’t mean like that. What I meant was, identify yourselves! Stand up and be counted! And let us know if you like Ponies(TM)!

  24. Step says:

    most disturbing ever. really! ok, maybe not. But it’s in the running!

    And I second the plea for ladies of CARS to show themselves. He did mean it like that, ladies, he really did.

  25. Eses says:

    Oh why limit it to the chiquitas?

    Boys… girls… Ponies™! Flash those furry (or not) chests! Geeks Gone Wild!

    Mmmaybe not…maybe we should follow His Steveness with the black turtleneck ensemble. Makes -me- covet those his Stevely wristbones. Anyone else??

  26. NWJR says:

    His Steveness had one too many rides on the new iPony that he’s introducing ANY DAY NOW. IN PINK! OMG iPONIES!

    (See how exhausting that is?)

  27. Thinker says:

    I think more “than Apple follows might think”.

    You go, won.

    I always thought Apple was bleeding from the inside.

  28. Tom says:

    Geeks gone wild. Great. What next. Nerds gone feral?

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    The meek gone mild. Milquetoast and warm tea for all.

  30. Del says:

    YaY Ponies!

    PONIES™ everyday saving you from iPod killers and terrorists the world over.

  31. Jizzmaster Zero Squared says:

    I didn’t really catch much of the Stevenote. My Pants™ were still hurting from the flight. They strip searched my Ponies™! The bastards!