15 Aug 06Apple Confirms Jobs Is In Fine Health.

Responding to recent speculation that CEO Steve Jobs might be ill, Apple announced today that the mercurial one is feeling just fine.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reached Apple vice president of worldwide corporate communications Katie Cotton and got the skinny on Jobs’ health status.

CARS: Ms. Cotton, there’s been a lot of loose talk around the Mac community that Steve Jobs’ modest performance at last week’s WWDC keynote might mean that he’s not well. Apple today attempted to pour cold water that, but what can you tell us? Is Steve OK?

COTTON: OK? He’s better than OK. He’s a dynamic, forceful individual with the ability to drive his vision in a complex technological marketplace. He plays an integral role in management of Apple, Pixar and Disney itself, all while doing one-armed pushups. He bakes his own bread and makes his own blender mayonnaise. He is capable of sudden bursts of tremendous speed and can leap great distances in a single bound.

CARS: Oh. Wow. It sounds like Steve’s in peak condition.

COTTON: “Peak condition”? Feh. He more than peak. He’s hovering god-like hundreds of feet above the peak. Why, just the other day I saw him crush a Ford Fairlane with his bare hands.

CARS: What? He… you’re making that up.

COTTON: I am not. He is a mighty being, such as a titan. A giant among men.

CARS: Wait, why did he crush a Ford Fairlane?

COTTON: It was in his parking space.

CARS: Oh. Oh, my god, the driver wasn’t still in it, was he?

COTTON: No, no, no. Steve is a benevolent god. Quick to anger, but ultimately compassionate. Fiercely protective, but not vengeful.

CARS: He sounds complex.

COTTON: He is. He also likes to do sudoku!

CARS: Oh, wow! So do I!

COTTON: Mmm, yes, well, the ones Steve does are 3^100 cells across. So… it’s not really the same as the so-called “sudoku” you do, now, is it?

CARS: Uh… I… guess not. Um, I see that you’ve released Steve’s medical records as proof of his fitness.

COTTON: Yes. We understand that Steve is an iconic figure for Mac users and we want to assure them that he still rules their world supremely.

CARS: Ah. I’m sure that will be… quite… uh… quite…

COTTON: I think the word you’re looking for is “reassuring.”

CARS: Well, no, actually. I was looking for something more like “demeaning.” But let’s go through Steve’s medical report.


CARS: Now, you’ve listed his height as 8′ 3″.

COTTON: Mmm-hmm.

CARS: Now, I’ve seen Steve and he is not 8 feet tall.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: Is not.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: [sigh] OK. Let’s move on. You’ve got his heart rate as 3 beats per minute. That seems a little low for a mammal.

COTTON: No. Steve has achieved a zen-like state of inner peace that allows him to lower the rate of all of his bodily functions. In this manner, he will live to be 500 years old.

CARS: As that’s just idle speculation, I’ll let that go.

COTTON: 500 years old. And by then he’ll be the size of a mighty oak, with massive arms that sweep all into his loving embrace.

CARS: Whatever. I just want to ask about one more thing. It says here that “when pricked for a blood sample, instead of blood a bright light spilled from Mr. Jobs’ skin that bathed all in the room in its warm, pure and somehow sexually fulfilling glow.” Now…


CARS: There’s nothing you’d like to correct or tone down about that?

COTTON: I believe that speaks for itself. Steve Jobs is the wellspring from which all life flows.


COTTON: What?!

CARS: Well… thanks for your time, Ms. Cotton.

COTTON: Always a pleasure. We should have lunch.

CARS: Yeah, I don’t think so.

32 Responses to “Apple Confirms Jobs Is In Fine Health.”

  1. vitamin fortified says:

    First, glorious first. Um that’s all I have to say.

    Oh yeah, is the sexually fulfilling glow contagious?

  2. Huh? says:

    But what we all, including my Pants™®, want to know, is does he feel pretty?


  3. Magnanimous Wang says:


  4. Magnanimous Wang says:


  5. CarbonRing says:

    Sixth, fun. Not my best showing, however. I did at least read the article first.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Three heart beats a minute?

    Elvis beats that hands down.

  7. Phoenix says:

    That bitch just totally used your toothbrush, I mean Steve Jobs living 500 years, she said “for years”.

  8. YOU says:

    Nineth, my personal record, It’s 8.12 AM here and I refuse to wake up any earlier.
    That said, anybody seen my iBrush™?

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    So is he truly healthy? Because those results are not what I would call normal. His skin didn’t leak before, and his reality distortion field used to be perfectly spherical whereas now it’s more egg-shaped. I’m worried about the little fellow.

  10. Huh? says:

    I was thinking, if Steve really wanted a challenging Sudoku, he’d do his 3^100 across puzzles in hexadecimal.
    I mean, all the cool people are.


  11. OMGHAX says:


  12. Tom says:

    reckon you missed out there. bet she earns a packet. would have been a nice lunch.

  13. Ahnyer Keester says:

    You know, with a name like “Katie Cotton” I had envisioned more of a “girl next door” kind of a person, not a maniacal fib teller.

    Still, John, if you don’t want to do lunch with her, I’d be interested. She sounds like she knows how to compliment a man! Can I have her number? In hex?

  14. UhhhDude says:

    After following that link, now I, too, have a somewhat sexually fulfilling glow.

  15. Tom says:

    The derivation of coporate gives us “form into a body” or “body”. So we have Katie Cotton “President of Worldwide into the body Communication”.

    I dunno what your girl next door is like, but I live in a nice neighbourhood.

  16. Like a vegan would make mayonnaise. It requires eggs. 🙂 I knew she was lying! HA!

  17. DNS says:

    Is Ms. Cotton hot? Pics…?

  18. John Moltz says:

    He’s not a vegan. He eats fish and we broke the news first here during the great Sushi Gate series.

  19. NWJR says:

    Steve crushed a Ford Fairlane?

    What was he driving? A Camaro? I know it has to be a PONY car.

  20. Besides, ever hear of Nayonaise?

  21. Del says:

    I thought we never determined that Jobs at fish sushi. I love vegetarian sushi (I try to eat it at least once a week) and it is very very very yummy. Especially if they use burdock in the rolls.

    Second I agree that Jobs would make Nayonnaise if he were making any sort of mayonnaise like product.

    Alright now I’m craving Miso soup and sushi. ARRGGGHh

  22. Jeff Gordon says:

    I know, random. Sorry. I wanna go FAST!

  23. 2000guitars says:

    I believe that if this was about Katie, instead of Jobs, this would be a whole lot more interesting.

  24. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob only eats the meat of vegetarian animals

  25. master says:

    steve jobs is the doctor

  26. Don says:

    Probably not the same Katie Cotton, but enough to keep some CARS members occupied for a short while….


  27. Del says:

    that site is obviously fake, the aspect ratio of the image was all wrong.

  28. Don says:

    But other than the problem with the image sizing, the rest of the site seems pretty professional don’t you think – almost scarily ‘Apple-Like’. Spooky! 😉

  29. No, Steve eating Sea Bass was just an admitted error by TMO’s current token black guy. 😉

  30. Daniel says:

    I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding Apple Confirms Jobs Is In Fine Health., but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong 🙂