05 Sep 06Apple Announces A Special Event.

This morning, Apple sent an email to members of the media announcing a special event in San Francisco on September 12th.

While many believe this will mark the company’s initiation of the the online movie downloading business, a small subset claim it will showcase the new Apple cell phone, which is reportedly now ready for production.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that not only is this a “special” Apple event, it is a “very special” Apple event. While sources were unable to specify the specific nature of the “very special” event, they were able to narrow it down to the following possibilities:

  • Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger thinks about trying drugs and is talked out of it by Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
  • Head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring loses his virginity.
  • Vice President of Worldwide Developer Relations Ron Okamoto learns a valuable lesson about sharing or not cheating or some shit.
  • Senior Counsel Mark Aaker gets knocked up.

    Apple declined to comment for this story, but a star trailing a rainbow was seen passing over the Cupertino campus earlier today.

    No Responses to “Apple Announces A Special Event.”

    1. Don says:

      Yey! First! 🙂

    2. Don says:

      Come on! Everyone knows that people in this industry never lose their virginity. Talk about a crazy rumor!

    3. Don says:

      You also forgot the other possibility – Georgo Ou comes out!

    4. John Moltz says:

      It’s Maynor and Ellch we want to come out.

    5. Mark Studdock says:

      5! Lassie saves window users who fell in the well of ignorance.

    6. Davan says:

      I was at MarketAmerica event last month when one of the VPs announced a Apple phone with iTunes and wireless connectivity and ringtones on the iTunes store.

      Could be, Apple is one of the major partners of MarketAmerica.

    7. croikle says:

      7 plus 3, or 2 times 4…

    8. Nxxx says:

      The real story, Moltz to join Apple Board

    9. arcsine says:

      Yay, it’ll be the first After School Special of the Season …. and available through iTunes.

      Woo Hoo.

      yeah…

      well…

      it’s OK…

      Kinda white bread though …

      it least it’s better than the bitch watch thing.

    10. PoisedNoise says:

      Hmm, I liked the Security Bitch Watch better…

      Eleventh,

    11. Huh? says:

      Well, let’s take a look at the possibilities-
      –Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger thinks about trying drugs and is talked out of it by Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
      Possible, and could also be entertaining.

      –Head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring loses his virginity.
      An engineer. Losing his virginity. Yeah, right. Next!

      –Vice President of Worldwide Developer Relations Ron Okamoto learns a valuable lesson about sharing or not cheating or some shit.
      Possible, but not likely. As a minority, he would not be the target of a ‘Special Event’

      –Senior Counsel Mark Aaker gets knocked up.
      Again, possible, but the event is during the day. That means it would have to be heavily edited. Not as entertaining.

      I vote for option #1.

      moo (event de Pants™®)

    12. Sudo Nym says:

      A very special event, eh? I think the CARS staff has watched too much television in its lifetime, and should cut back a little.

    13. Journamalism®™℠©℗ Guy says:

      “Moltz Joins Apple Board”

      Makes perfect sense. Jobs should hire Moltz. With crazy rumors like engineers losing thier virginity, The Public™ would never know what is coming out of Cupertino next. Great strategy. I’m going to buy my Apple shares now in anticipation of this huge marketing strategy.

    14. Ahnyer Keester says:

      Yep, I think it has to be one of the ones you listed. No question.

      iPhone. Sure. We’ve heard that before.

      iTMS = iTunes Movie Store. Like they’d continue to make the iTMS more inappropriately named. Right. They’re not going to muddy the brand. Not going to happen.

      I’m betting Ron Okamoto learns a valuable lesson about…something. He’s been in so few episodes lately it is time for the producers to showcase him.

    15. NWJR says:

      Taking a cue from the Shatner roast on Comedy Central, Jobs is going to come onstage riding a PONY!

    16. Del says:

      Come on CARS how about some really crazy Apple rumors.

      Like 24″ iMacs with the new 64 bit Core 2 Duo processors or a Mac Mini with 1.83 GHZ processor and 160GB drive.

      That would be a real “Crazy Rumor”

    17. Colonel Panic says:

      The re-introduction of the Apple IIGS, with a 3 GHz Intel processor and AppleWorks (original text-based) 6.0!

    18. 2000guitars says:

      Boger. Heh Heh. He said Boger.

    19. blank says:

      “One more thing…”

      Steve is planning to re-enact Poe’s “A Cask of Amontillado” with Sony’s battery sales rep. You’ve probably been wondering what happens to the batteries sent back in the recall–bricks! Steve will seal the Sony battery sales rep. into a niche in the famed One Infinite Loop dungeon using recalled batteries and mortar. It will be broadcast live to the assembled masses, of course, and streamed over QuickTime later in the day.

      Don’t miss it!

    20. Saikou Yuden says:

      That’s odd. I thought the new IIgs was going to use the 65C8163264128-hike! processor. Can’t trust my sources as well as I thought, I guess. They also mentioned a bundle with something called “GSWorks Extreme!” Go figure.

      At least there’s agreement on the clock speed. Apple II forever!

    21. Ahnyer Keester says:

      How about porting GEOS to the Intel architecture? That’d be crazy.

    22. Anonymous says:

      The more you know, bitches!

    23. scared monster says:

      Didn’t Mr Mehring sell his virginity to…
      Oh, no.
      That was his soul.
      Sorry.
      Doesn’t count.
      Someone can claim something like 24 bis.

    24. Squished Squirrel says:

      A star trailing a rainbow?

      Is Rainbow Brite going to be there?

      Now THAT would make it a very special event.

    25. shawk says:

      Apple and Google announce a hostile takeover of Microsoft.
      “This should insure that our products and services will suck for the foreseeable future” stated new Appgoogle CEO Bill Gates.
      An OSX virus service pack is to be announced shortly.
      A series of innovative commercials will be released, featuring Gallagher, Carrot Top, a sledgehammer and a watermelon.
      Appgoogle will relocate to Redmond Washington.

      In other news, former Appgoogle CEOs Steve Jobs and Eric Schmidt announce Squidget.
      “Sexbots have a future in the homes, hearts and appendages of America and were here to fill or absorb that need” they said.
      They also see significant military applications for sexbots.
      “If you won’t get out of bed, you won’t fight a war” Mr. Jobs claimed.
      Unsurprisingly, Squidget will be based at a remote and undisclosed location near Area 51 in Nevada.

    26. shawnkemp says:

      Mac Code Black – Steve Jobs removes, with his bare hands, the new mac phone which is imbedded in someone’s chest cavity.

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