06 Sep 06New iMacs Bigger, Faster, But Smell Like Ass.

Apple delivered new iMacs today, adding a 24-inch monster machine with a 2.33 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Across the board the iMacs are faster and provide a better value than ever.

However, sources indicate there is one major drawback to the new machines.

They smell like ass.

“Oh, my god,” said prospective iMac buyer Ann Woulten, quickly covering her nose with her hand as she entered the Boca Raton Apple Store. “What is that?”

Lifting his nose in the air, Woulten’s boyfriend Henry Martinez took several whiffs.

“Smells like ass,” Martinez concluded.

I know that!” Woulten shouted, gagging slightly.

Sources at Intel claim that something in the manufacturing process of the Core 2 Duo causes the chips to come out smelling like ass.

“We’re not sure what it is,” Intel spokesperson Kim Sargeant said. “We think it might be when Randy rubs his ass up against the silicon disks, but we’re not sure.

“Frankly, we don’t know how that step got into the procedure manual. We think Randy might have added it himself. We’re still looking into whether or not it’s necessary.”

Pausing momentarily and shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Sargeant added “We got ISO 9000 certification.”

According to Sargeant, Randy also apparently works on the Xeon processors but the fans in the the Mac Pro are powerful enough to blow away his severe funk.

Apple declined to comment for this story but has reportedly issued those white surgical masks to all Apple Store employees.

No Responses to “New iMacs Bigger, Faster, But Smell Like Ass.”

  1. John Moltz says:


    Oh, I am SO using your toothbrush…

  2. comacnut says:


    Smells like tacos.

  3. comacnut says:

    Thats what I get for reading the article, Use away, I have some nice cinnamon toothpaste if you want some.

  4. Magnanimous Wang says:


  5. mathom says:


    Randy — hah!

  6. Jon says:


    My toothbrush smells like ass.

    Er… anyone want a free toothbrush? I don’t even care if you use it.

  7. Jon says:

    DANG! I got a free upgrade to número siete!

  8. Huh? says:

    You smell that?
    Do you smell that?
    Ass, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of ass in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ body.
    The smell, you know that poo smell, the whole hill. Smelled like… victory.
    Someday this war’s gonna end…

    That… didn’t come out the way I hoped.
    Maybe next time.

    moo (Apocalypse Pants™®)

  9. Nxxx says:

    I smell a rat.

  10. Carl says:

    Go forth bold poster of 11, take what is rightfully yours.

    But know this!!

    All Your Post
    Are Belong

  11. Carl says:

    Oops, that was espossed to be a bump to 10. Oh well. I retroactively claim 11.

    For my ass.

  12. Don says:

    Funniest CARS story I’ve read for ages! Good work John, the QUALITY is back!

    You do of course all realise that now this will make it even easier for Maynor to sniff out vunerable Mac’s – the smell-o-scope range is much greater than that of wireless.

  13. OMGHAX says:

    It’s not Core Duo! It’s Core 2 Duo! ZOMG!

  14. John Moltz says:

    Whoops. Had it right further down, but not at the top. Fixed.

  15. Bob the wrecker says:

    Isn’t an ass kinda like a sort of… Pony™? So, eh, how can it be bad if a Mac smells like Pony™? Smells like Ass of Doom©!

  16. 2000guitars says:

    New CARS longer, funnier, but smells like ass…

    Today, sources indicated that when CARS articles are printed, they smell like ass. “I swanee” said CARS reader Mac Froglethorpe, “I thought I had a bad batch of printer ink.”

    “And what’s the deal with that Rogue Amoeba thingy, anyway” said CARS reader Angela Sniffworthy. “Maybe that has something to do with the smell. Aren’t amoebas some kind of bacteria?”

    CARS declined to comment about this issue, but was seen in the men’s room scratching its Package™® .

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    What ever happened to decorum and taste?

  18. J0n says:

    Decorum and Taste have left the building!

    (Although some sources question whether they were ever here….)

  19. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Decorum and taste? You got the wrong website!

  20. Streetrabbit says:

    I don’t think it’s the Core 2 Duo.

    The assistants in the Apple store round my way are craping in an open latrine up the back of the shop, just behind the Griffin kit.

  21. shawk says:

    Decorum and Taste are working at Mr. Swanky, a gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas.
    While they do not look or smell like ass, they do smell like silicone.

  22. Journamalism®™℠©℗ Guy says:

    CARS is infiltrating other sites. I just read this MacWorld article with a reference to “The Leader.” Moltz and his clan are obviously taking over the world, starting with Mac sites.

    My Dog™ is offering free upgrades to any Mac users who want that fresh Ass smell.

  23. I don’t know. A 24″ Mac that smells like ass or a 19″ Windows machine that functions like shit? You gotta make that call.

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Good thing I came here! I thought at first I was gonna order a new iMac, then give it a great big kiss when it came to the house.

    Now, not so much. I’m not kissing Randy’s ass, even if it is ISO 9000 certified.

    And while we’re at it, does the Apple Store stock any cans of iAsswipe?

  25. NWJR says:

    You left out an important detail…it only smells like that if you’re a Switcher, and that’s because you realize you’ve been a Horse’s Ass for using Windows all these years.

    Hence the scent of PONY™ Ass.

  26. A Priest, a rabbi, and a street bum says:

    my ass smells of elderberries.

  27. blank says:

    Well, this shouldn’t be a problem much longer then. I hear that Randy is one of the 10,000 Intel employees who will be laid-off.

    He missed the end of the announcement and got all excited. Imagine the disappointment when he heard the “-off” part!

  28. Del says:

    John, Thanks for using my story suggestion from yesterday. 24″ imac’s with 2.14 Ghz processors are not just a Crazy Rumor, but an Insane Rumor. Though the smelling like ass is completely believable.

    It’s like the old iMac where they smelled and tasted like their “flavor”. While the strawberry and orange were nice the Dalmatian was nasty. Especially if it got wet.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Your mother smells of elderberries.

    Oh, and your father is a billy goat.

    Perhaps an evil one.

  30. MacBook amateur says:

    What a crap article! It is riddled with factual errors. You call yourselves a news site? Journalists?

    The technical specs on Apple’s website clearly state that the Intel Core 2 Duo processors come in the following speeds: 1.83 GHz, 2.0 GHz, 2.16 GHz or 2.33 GHz. Nowhere does it say 2.14 GHz. You can check it out for yourself here: http://www.apple.com/imac/specs.html.

    If you don’t fix the egregious error, I’m never coming here for news ever again!!

  31. A Priest, a rabbi, and a street bum says:

    I already got one you see

  32. John Moltz says:

    Actually, we call ourselves a rumor site so we can print ANY GOD DAMN THING WE WANT!


    But I fixed the speed.

  33. Shouldn’t have John. Screw ’em if they can’t take a rumor.

  34. Tom says:


    It’s odd that you so rarely get first post.

    Why is that?

  35. OMGHAX says:

    Maybe he’s just not the greedy type.

  36. J0n says:

    He takes too long reading the article.

    He must have skipped reading it today.

  37. Ace Raider says:

    This was so funny!!

    Anyway it’s not because of Randy’s Ass. It’s because they are made in Hillsburrito, OR.

    Everything smells like ass in Hillsburrito.

  38. chrisndeca says:

    What he forgot to mention was that it Tastes Like Burning.

  39. Anonymous says: