11 Sep 06Jobs Getting Laid Tonight.

Sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs indicate that in preparation for tomorrow’s Special Event, Jobs will be getting it on tonight.

After some lackluster reviews of Jobs’ performance at WWDC, company executives wanted to make sure the Apple CEO was as relaxed as possible for tomorrow’s Special Event (which, by the way, will introduce a movie download service, new video iPods across the board – including somehow a video iPod shuffle – and a streaming video Airport thing that will make you squeal like a little girl).

“I spoke with Laurene [Jobs] personally, and she assured me there would be nooky between the Jobses tonight,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“And… um… while she was unwilling to commit to it, she did indicate that she was open to ‘seconds’ should Steve still feel a little tense.”

While Jobs’ subordinates have never before taken a professional interest in the mercurial CEO’s personal friskiness, they have delved into other aspects of his life, including his diet, his weight and his spiritual well-being.

“We just really care about Steve,” Schiller said.

Pausing Schiller added “It’s not like we’re going out and getting him hooker backups or anything. That totally wasn’t even discussed.

“For more than, like, ten or fifteen minutes.”

The Jobs’ declined to comment for this story, but there was a sign on their home reading “If the mansion’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”

No Responses to “Jobs Getting Laid Tonight.”

  1. Kallaloo says:

    ! I’m so not getting laid right now… so First!

  2. RMR says:

    Yeah, too far.

  3. score says:

    third. thank you, rss.

  4. Huh? says:

    “and a streaming video Airport thing that will make you squeal like a little girl”

    Well, I won’t need that I already….
    Um… nevermind.

    moo (Pants™® +1 octave)

  5. Kallaloo says:

    Sixth, and still no nooky in sight … anyone know what those backup hookers are up to? If I post again at eleven, it’s BAD NEWS.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    There will be a wookiee between the jobs tonight?


  7. Carl says:

    Now, let’s all thank CARS for putting the image of Jobs’ other turtleneck in our minds.

  8. Bob the wrecker says:

    Top Ten. So mrs Jobs will be using his toothbrush? Can’t wait to see the coverage!

  9. Disgusted Col Rtd says:

    That which is between man and wife, should remain so with very limited exceptions. I remember back in 1876 on the North West Frontier, when a subaltern tried to introduce the subject into the conversation in the Officer’s Mess. Needless to say, I had him taken out and shot at dawn.
    The same should happen to you, Sir.
    Disgusted Col Rtd.

  10. Uguruko says:

    12. But why me care?

  11. thelairster says:

    Unlucky 13! Damn the black cat is playing in the shark tank again….

  12. Eses says:

    O dear lord. Somethings I just don’t want to imagine.
    But now I am curious about his performance…at the special event of course!

  13. Step says:

    oh, so close! and yeah, I think a little too far. even though this IS CARS we’re talking about here, so…

  14. Laurene says:

    You misunderstood. I said I was giving Steve a noogie tonight.

    (And it must be a ‘special’ event since the col. is in town.)

  15. J0n says:

    What are these “seconds” things? Are they those small units of time, sixty of which make up one minute?

    I must have been married for too long, since I don’t seem to recall a “marital intimacy” use of the term anymore….

  16. Journamalism®™℠©℗ Guy says:

    Laurene…is she hot? Or is she one of the newly rumored sex bots that offer multiple streaming options? Does she wear turtle necks?

  17. joe says:

    Maybe we could get George Ou to report on the activities. Perhaps he could handle that without printing his hallucinations.

    Then again, maybe not.

  18. UhhhDude says:

    Maybe Steve needs some music to get him in the mood.

    [Boom chicka boom chicka wow-wow]

    Or perhaps a little Barry White.

    I just hope he remembered to bring his mojo with him. I seem to remember him leaving it behind the last time he came to the house. ‘Cause if he did, it was probably set out with the recycling.

  19. NWJR says:

    I don’t even want to hear how she calls him PONY-boy.


  20. Steve '24 inches' Jobs says:

    Come here, Laurene, it’s showtime!

  21. blank says:

    Pictures later this morning, news at eleven!

  22. foo master says:

    Personally, Laurene isn’t that good in bed…………………………………..oops!

  23. Del says:

    Yeah but she’s great on the floor.

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Oh, man. All this dissing on Steve’s wife. Have we forgotten about his Almighty Anger™?

    This website is so toast. It’s history, man.

  25. comacnut says:

    It’s a sad mac community when a “fake” news site makes better predictions than the “real” rumors sites.

  26. Dingus MaGee says:

    Oh, like I haven’t gotten any since, um, Septmeber 4th, 2004. So what’s he complainin’ about? And for me it was in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil! Right by Copacabana beach! How can one not get some nooky there, eh?