15 Sep 06No Help Desk tonight.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?


OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!
We have other matters to attend to.

In the comments, help yourselves.

To… uh… some…


No Responses to “No Help Desk tonight.”

  1. Logan says:


  2. moksha says:

    All hail the iPie! With USB and Ethernet, you can connect all your Macs…
    to your pie!

  3. Myke says:

    Bad news, Microsoft is releasing the iPie-killer, called Poon. It will have the ability to wirelessly transfer custard to other Poon owners who will have three days or three servings before they will be prompted to purchase their own filling.

  4. Nxxx says:

    Sheer laziness Moltz. Here am I waiting on information on how to install three Superdrives into my Mini.

  5. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Fifth? Could it be? Make it a fifth of Scotch

  6. vitamin fortified says:

    Mmmmmm pie. Will need one slice to keep in my Pants™®.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    Huh. thought only Huh? had Pants™®. Oh well. What we really need is a campaign to sex up John Moltz. Let’s do it while he’s gone, and when he gets back he won’t know what hit him.

    Pie could be involved.

    Package™® pie.

  8. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Q: I’ve got an iPod question for you.
    A: Shoot.
    Q: What?
    A: Shoot. Ask away!
    Q: Oh. I thought you meant something else.
    A: I’m afraid to ask what.
    Q: Shoot.
    A: What?
    Q: Shoot, as in darn. Or dang. Or drat…
    A: Okay. Gotcha. What is your question?
    Q: Oh, yea. Well, I saw a video on YouTube of a new iPod that can share music wirelessly and I wanted to know how to get the software update that would let me do that on mine.
    A: Ah, I see. Well, it was in the last update. To get it you have to go into your iPod preferences panel and activate the built in Airport. Then you need to assign it a WEP key to protect your music from Prying Eyes…
    Q: They’re watching you.
    A: They see your every move.
    Q: I really hate Hall and Oats.
    A: Me too and that is my point. If you don’t secure the wireless connection on your iPod, someone could slip tons of Hall and Oats into your play lists.
    Q: Good point. Let me write that down….WEP…Hall and Oats…Got it.
    A: Cool. Okay. After you’ve done that you need to do a reboot of the iPod and you’re off and running!
    Q: Wow. This has got to be the first CARS helpdesk I’ve seen where someone gets help.
    A: It could happen. The CARS crew is off for the day.
    Q: That explains every thing!!


    Q: I didn’t know that the iPod had a wireless capability!
    A: What? Are you high? iPods don’t have that!
    Q: Yea but you told the last caller that…
    A: I was answering a question about his new Microsoft Zune!
    Q: Dude. He was asking about an iPod.
    A: What? No! No he wasn’t. Zune. Why would someone ask about WiFi on an iPod? Pfft.
    Q: Does the iPod have wireless capability?
    A: Between you and I?
    Q: Yea.
    A: No.


    Q: Hi, my name is Tim Cook and I was told…
    A: Shhhhhh!! This is the anonymous tip line!!
    Q: No it isn’t. This is the helpdesk.
    A: It is? Oh. It is. Sorry.
    Q: Like I said, my name is Tim Cook and I had a question about that wireless iPod thing.
    A: Go ahead.
    Q: I really, really like Hall and Oats. So if I turned off my touch screen video iPod’s WEP key do you think I’d really get a bunch of free Hall and Oats? I mean, it is a 100GB iPod and I have like half of that free…
    A: You. You have a touch screen iPod?
    Q: Sh-yea. Duh. Syncs with my iTablet like a charm!
    A: Dude, your sex appeal just skyrocketed.
    Q: It was the Hall and Oats, wasn’t it!
    A: Hush. Don’t ruin the moment…

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    I would help myself, but I have other matters to attend to.

  10. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm…. Pie.
    Warm… fresh…. apple pie….

    Just keep the strudel away…
    Oh, vitamin- you can have your slice of pie back. It’s still warm.

    moo (Pants™® fresh with pie)

  11. Colonel Panic says:

    I had to pull my punches, so there’s only pie.

    And that’s almost all gone now…

  12. Journamalism®™℠©℗ Guy says:

    Pants, Packages and Pie, Oh My!!!

  13. Garnack says:

    I heard Geffen would soon be shipping ‘aLamode’ for your iPies.

  14. jacknutz says:

    Ok Pie is good, but what we really need is pie and chips. I’m saddened by the lack of chips. If someone told me there wasnt gonna be chips, I would have stopped up at the party store and grabbed some.

  15. RipRagged says:

    I only eat Microsoft pie. Microsoft pie is approved on the Atkins diet, the Zone, Pritikin, Macrobiotic, you name it.

    They keep announcing pie in the oven, but they never take anything out.No calories, no carbs — just a picture and some self-congratulatory verbiage.

    Zune pie with Vista sauce. I can hardly wait.

  16. J0n says:

    The one thing Moltz forgot to mention was what kind(s) of pie….

    I have my standards.

    Pecan, Lemon Meringue, Blueberry, Apple, Peach, or Galactic Pie are wonderful.

    However, Rhubarb, Mince Meat, or Kidney Pie aren’t.

  17. Pecan Pieeeeee says:

    I would be proud to partake of your Pecan Pieeeeeeeeeeeee…

  18. Paul says:

    Well, since it’s still floating around unclaimed… FIRST!!!!

    And secondly, we should fire Moltz and get Ahnyer Keester to replace him. He seems to have a better work ethic.

  19. Step says:

    I second that. Yeah, who’d want to skip out on work on a Friday! The nerve of that guy…..

  20. Tom says:

    What’s wrong with rhubarb?

  21. OMGHAX says:

    Once Super-Garfield battled his nemesis, Pie-Rat, in an alternate dimension.

    Oh, and I’d prefer a cobbler.

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    Cannibals prefer cobbler cobbler.

    Made with ground Chuck.

  23. doppelf says:

    I’m enjoying some Wi-Pie® streamed from my iFridge via 802.11p.

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    I just learned that “Zune”, in France, means “Ballmer.” Maybe I’ll have just a tee-ninecy slice of that cobbler cobbler, if you don’t mind.

  25. Carbonfish says:

    Someone said Pi? Ummmmm, 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592
    I think.
    Oh, PIE! Okay, that one over there please….

  26. chrisndeca says:

    Maybe Moltz is trying to throw everyone off, and it is really Cherry Cheesecake.

    Why do they call in cake when it is in a pie tin? That is kind of like Huh talking about his Pants™® while he is wearing a dress.

    I’d like Cherry Pie a la mode. But I’d like the pie heated, and I don’t want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side. And I’d like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream – just whipped cream, but only if it’s real. If it’s out of the Huh’s Pants™® , then nothing.

  27. Nxxx says:

    Your secret’s out.

  28. Paul says:

    iPie is coming out in 2007 and features every flavour you could ever fancy and never runs out. It wirelessly streams it’s flavours to a dongle you get surgically attached to your tongue, which looks like a tongue coloured iPod Nano 2G and which runs OSX Portable codename Chesire. It’s available in 30, 60 and eventually 80 inch diametres.

  29. scared monster says:

    Q : Hello. I was eating some pie this afternoon and I unfortunately let my Zune Music Hearing Device fall in custard. Since that moment, I have some difficulties tu burn my friends the birds. They just look at me laughing.

  30. Zounds Padang says:

    Paul said:
    “we should fire Moltz and get Ahnyer Keester to replace him. He seems to have a better work ethic.”

    I agree, even though Ahnyer didnt mention pie…

  31. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Mmmmmm Steak and Kidney Suet Pie!

    Beef and Onion Pie! Ham, Chicken and Mushroom Pie! Steak and ale Pie! Pork and leek Pie! SPAM PIE!(not really)

    Or even Cornish Pasties. Yum.

    Proper fillings, none of this colonial apple or pumpkin rubbish.

    Stodge Rules!

    And I smoke Cuban Cigars.
    And I like real Bitter and Ale.
    And I drink too much Single Malt Scotch Whiskey. (not that bourbon shite)
    So there.

  32. blank says:

    Pie, turnover, tart, galette–they’re all good by me. Cake is nice too.

    I’m not picky.

  33. Don says:

    Guys, come on, easy on Mr Moltz! He was not slacking off, he was out having dinner with Tim Cook – giving him a sexy makeover.

  34. 2000guitars says:

    ARe you sure that wasn’t a sexy makeout????

  35. Don says:

    John’s got to take what he can get, and when Tim told him that if he touched his screen that ‘something special would happen’, well, John just went all ga-ga.

  36. Psyko says:

    Liars! There is no pie here!


  37. Michael says:

    You’re all nuts!

  38. Don says:

    Thank you Michael – flattery will get you places, especially on this site!

    Don’t suppose you have any pie with you??

  39. Ace Raider says:

    Hare Pie… the one with Bugs in it.

  40. Ace Raider says:

    Heir Pie… for those with inheritance.

  41. Ace Raider says:

    Hair Pie… for those, uh, um, never mind.

  42. Ace Raider says:

    Oh and what about Kitten Pie… from that stupid, but totally hilarious movie with Yahoo Serious.