Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Oh, man, I’m so glad I got a hold of you. I think… I think Apple’s stalking me.
A: Oh. Wow. That’s kind of… a big accusation. What are they doing? Did you get a call from Apple legal or something?
Q: No. No! It’s these emails! I get them like every day! New music, new iPods, your battery could explode… They won’t leave me alone! Some of them come while I’m sleeping and Mail makes that horrible, horrible sound and… I just can’t take it anymore!
A: Uh, well, you know you can unsubscribe to those.
Q: I can… what?
A: Unsubscribe. Like through your Apple ID settings.
A: Yeah. It’s pretty easy.
Q: OK. Well… that’s good. That’ll help. Just one more thing.
Q: There’s someone in my shower. I think it’s Peter Oppenheimer. Can you tell me what he looks like?
A: Uh… early 50s. Looks a little like Shatner.
Q: Eeyup. That’s him.
A: Hmm. Yeah, you might be being stalked.
Q: Come in. Come in. Can anyone respond on this frequency?
A: Uh… hello? Who is this?
Q: It’s Peter Oppenheimer.
A: Peter. Where are you man?
Q: I’m… not really sure. I seem to be trapped in some kind of… agony booth.
A: Peter. Peter. No, Peter. You’re having another Shatner fantasy. Have you been drinking?
Q: I… had some tranya…
A: How much “tranya”?
Q: Not that much. But I had a lot of Scotch with Scottie.
Q: Oh, I know, I know. You said Scottie and Bones are dead and Sulu’s gay. But that’s because we’re in an alternate timeline and I can fix it if I can get! Out! Of this! Agony! Boooooth!
Q: I don’t mean I’ll fix Sulu. There’s nothing wrong with Sulu. He’s a great guy. I’m not even mad about him bringing a sword onto the bridge that one time.
A: Peter, I want you to listen carefully to me. I want you to reach down to the knobs and turn the cold water on full.
Q: Hello, my name is Wendell James, I am an attorney at James, Reynolds and Foster.
A: Ah, I know that Macs are rather popular in the legal world. What’s your problem.
Q: Ahhh, yes. Well, my “problem” is that James, Reynolds and Foster represent Paramount Pictures – the studio that owns Star Trek – and we would prefer it… well, we demand that you cease and desist…
A: Hey! They called me! I can’t help it if Peter Oppenheimer has a Shatner complex!
Q: What? Oh, no. It’s not about that. It’s about the “Hot, Green, Orion Bitches” web site you run.
A: Oh. Uh… is there a problem?