Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Oh, man, I’m so glad I got a hold of you. I think… I think Apple’s stalking me.
A: Oh. Wow. That’s kind of… a big accusation. What are they doing? Did you get a call from Apple legal or something?
Q: No. No! It’s these emails! I get them like every day! New music, new iPods, your battery could explode… They won’t leave me alone! Some of them come while I’m sleeping and Mail makes that horrible, horrible sound and… I just can’t take it anymore!
A: Uh, well, you know you can unsubscribe to those.
Q: I can… what?
A: Unsubscribe. Like through your Apple ID settings.
Q: Oh.
A: Yeah. It’s pretty easy.
Q: OK. Well… that’s good. That’ll help. Just one more thing.
A: Sure.
Q: There’s someone in my shower. I think it’s Peter Oppenheimer. Can you tell me what he looks like?
A: Uh… early 50s. Looks a little like Shatner.
Q: Eeyup. That’s him.
A: Hmm. Yeah, you might be being stalked.

Q: Come in. Come in. Can anyone respond on this frequency?
A: Uh… hello? Who is this?
Q: It’s Peter Oppenheimer.
A: Peter. Where are you man?
Q: I’m… not really sure. I seem to be trapped in some kind of… agony booth.
A: Peter. Peter. No, Peter. You’re having another Shatner fantasy. Have you been drinking?
Q: I… had some tranya…
A: How much “tranya”?
Q: Not that much. But I had a lot of Scotch with Scottie.
A: Peter…
Q: Oh, I know, I know. You said Scottie and Bones are dead and Sulu’s gay. But that’s because we’re in an alternate timeline and I can fix it if I can get! Out! Of this! Agony! Boooooth!
A: Peter…
Q: I don’t mean I’ll fix Sulu. There’s nothing wrong with Sulu. He’s a great guy. I’m not even mad about him bringing a sword onto the bridge that one time.
A: Peter, I want you to listen carefully to me. I want you to reach down to the knobs and turn the cold water on full.

Q: Hello, my name is Wendell James, I am an attorney at James, Reynolds and Foster.
A: Ah, I know that Macs are rather popular in the legal world. What’s your problem.
Q: Ahhh, yes. Well, my “problem” is that James, Reynolds and Foster represent Paramount Pictures – the studio that owns Star Trek – and we would prefer it… well, we demand that you cease and desist…
A: Hey! They called me! I can’t help it if Peter Oppenheimer has a Shatner complex!
Q: What? Oh, no. It’s not about that. It’s about the “Hot, Green, Orion Bitches” web site you run.
A: Oh. Uh… is there a problem?

21 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Well, at least it’s only Oppenhiemer stalking him…
    My Pants™® follow me EVERYwhere. Kinda spooky.

    moo (beware the evil of the Pants™®)

  2. Segundo!

    Would say more but I fell eyes piercing my back as I google Hot +Green + Orion +Bitches. Why is my phone ringing? and I just received an IM from blackturtleneckbully saying Stop. Now. Or your. Toothbrush. Will Be Used.

  3. They’re.

    NO! Don’t look, it’ll only make ’em nervous.
    Nothing worse than nervous Pants™®


  4. Ah, a nervous Package™® could possibly be worse. Not that I’d know anything about that…

  5. I’m sure I saw Hot, “Green, Orion Bitches” on a menu somewhere … no, it was Hot Green Onion Bitches. Never mind.

  6. Huh. I always figured Scotty to be one of those closet “Sex on the Beach” drinkers. I guess you just never know.

  7. Would you assume Apple could stalk more than one person ?
    I have this big great apple-dressed man, 8 feet tall, shadowing me all day. He’s talking to me, too, but not loud enough, I can’t hear. And, strangely enough, everybody feigns not seeing him. Strange.
    I’ll take more of that pizza, there, the Hot Green Onions Special with the bitches extra.
    And one for my apple-friend.
    The guy, there, next to me.
    Oh, don’t do that. I know you see him. 8 feet, man.

  8. I’m Back!

    Sorry for the delay I was having problems getting IE to install on Tiger, but it is working now and I’m back to viewing CARS. You know this site has some interesting pop-ups I never got when using Safari. I think it is for some weird sort of Yoga workout, but I’m not certain why the people are naked.

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