11 Oct 06The Case Against Steve Wozniak.

Editing a respected Mac web site…

What?!

Why does everyone laugh when I say that?!

Ahem.

I’ll start again.

Editing a respected Mac web site means occasionally taking a position that is unpopular.

The G4 Cube is overpriced. iPod Socks are stupid. Steve Jobs killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies (that, actually, turned to not be true, but the point is we were unpopular when we reported it).

But there is probably no more unpopular position I have taken as CARS editor than this: Larry, your continued infatuation with Ellen Feiss is not healthy and may be ruining your marriage.

But, if we leave out Larry Sterwutz of Rock Falls, Illinois, the next least popular position is our continued insistence that Steve Wozniak is just no good.

OK, OK, settle down.

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Frankly, it’s enough to make me hurl.

Today, for example, John Gruber asked “How can anyone not love Woz?”

Now, this is clearly a personal shot at me. And, probably, WozBot 3000, the anti-Woz killer robot from the future. But, while WozBot is fueled by an irrational killer rage (and plutonium), I actually have a solid basis for my anti-Woz stance, which I will now detail.

Consider this the CARS anti-Woz manifesto.

  • This so-called “other” Steve detracts attention from our one true god, Steve Jobs.
  • Did you see his appearance on the Colbert Report? He’s nuts!
  • Let’s turn John Gruber’s question around – how can any rational person love someone who rides a Segway? Hmm? You can’t! It’s impossible!
  • Someone named Steve who worked at Apple in 1982 killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies. We now know it wasn’t Steve Jobs but it could have been Wozniak. Can we afford to take that chance?
  • He totally didn’t even write iWoz. And it’s supposed to be his autobiography! That’s like the laziest form of plagiarism ever!
  • Sources close to Wozniak say he doesn’t floss as often as he should.
  • Anyone who’s ever kissed him full on the lips knows that that beard is really itchy.

So, you Woz apologists can drone on and on about how he invented the first Apple computer and he’s an eccentric genius and I’m just a stupid rumors site editor who never invented anything and who the hell am I to nay-say the great Woz? Bitch.

And those are all valid points. Except for the bitch part.

But when you’re stuck in Woz’s underground lair and he’s slowly peeling your flesh off and eating your spleen, don’t come crying to Johnny.

No Responses to “The Case Against Steve Wozniak.”

  1. Chuckles the Clown says:

    Oink.

  2. Nxxx says:

    Would someone who has kissed both The Woz and The Moltzster full on the lips, care to comment?

  3. Zeb says:

    QUATRO! Kneel before Zeb!!!!

  4. Three Blades of shaving goodness says:

    Mach3 gives you that freshly-carved-skin feel or your money back

  5. vitamin fortified says:

    Sixth.

    Do Segways come with optional skin peelers and temp-controlled compartments for organs? And is that why he beaned the guy in the infamous polo vid. Maybe that was the post-game victim (I mean meal)?

  6. Bob the wrecker says:

    Eight! I like organs too. But i prefer pianos.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    spleen ratchet (of doom) (in bed)

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    The most uncool Woz detraction is that he DRIVES A HUMMER. I don’t care if he’s carbon-neutral! It’s a HUMMER fer chrissake!

    Not that there’s anyting wrong with that.

  9. Mason says:

    I doubt this is actually eleventh, as I took the time to read the article before noticing the last comment was #10. But I can dream, I can dream….

    Oh, and having read the article, I can only agree that Woz sucks.

  10. Sudo Nym says:

    The thing about Woz inventing the Mac is not actually a valid point. Because he didn’t.

    You might be thinking of Burrell Smith.

    Woz did the Apple I, the Apple II, Integer BASIC, the Disk II controller card… things like that. He wasn’t working at Apple in 1982, so he couldn’t be the Steve who killed the guy and stuff. How many guys named Steve worked at Apple back then, anyway?

    Woz is a lot more laid back than Jobs. He’s nicer to people. He’s less than 4% as scary as Steve Jobs, the Colbert interview notwithstanding.

    As for the Segway thing, come on — what’s cuter than a great big teddy bear on a scooter?

    My guess is there’s some rumo-pundo-journalism award coming up soon that always goes to someone with the courage to take an unpopular position on something, and you’re angling for a nomination. Do you think the judges won’t see right through this? I mean — this is WOZ, man! Wheels of Zeus! The Woz! Beloved by all, ESPECIALLY awards judges.

  11. HisSteveness says:

    Hope they’ll never find out who’s done that prank with that flesh coat thingy. Segways suck – Ponys rule..

  12. Mark says:

    but he is very friendly looking. maybe they should make wozniak bears, then if you hate him you can stick pins in it.
    forteenf

  13. Small Paul says:

    Who the hell’s Johnny?

    Oh, right.

  14. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    No no no! Here in Raskin land we know it was He who invented the Mac. As an early prototype for THE. A failed one.

    p.s. the worms have slipped through my fingers once again.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    If you shaved the beard and tidied up the hair, maybe gave him a bit of a bouf, Woz and Kim Jong Il….same person.

  16. Garnack says:

    I’ve found a practical use for iPod socks. Wee willy warmers for those lonely winter nights when your willy needs to be kept warm and you are sans partner. And they’re washable too.

    And Woz sucks! Eating peoples internal organs, that’s just sick! Besides, everyone knows the eyes are the tastiest part.

  17. Bot man says:

    Woz is Steve Job’s first attempt at a human androoid. Steve needed an assistant to distract the crowds while he was working on the reality distortion field and while he was learning to be cool on this planet (remember the early days with the bow tie). And everybody loved the WOZ-bot, and once the reality distortion field was working, WOZ faded out of the picture and other bots appeared, like the Scully-bot. This allowed Steve to control the company from a distance to avoid any suspicions until the second coming in 1997. The Amillio-bot was a complete disaster, but those mistakes just help you get better. Look at the progress he’s made, from the WOZbot, the Scully-bot, the Ellen Feiss-bot, to the new improved Gisele-bot featured in the latest Apple commercial. [ http://www.epicempire.com/computers/gisele-apple-ad.html ] Sexbots are coming, I can feel it. I can’t wait much longer!!

    So lets not pick on the WOZ, he was Steve’s first attempt, remember C3PO from episode 1 without the Gold Plating?

  18. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    Me again, the eyes may be tasty but the skin ain’t so bad and there is a lot more of it (largest organ in the body y’know), plus it has a layer of delicious fat. I notice the article makes no mention of what became of the skin. I assume it was left with the flesh as part of the coat. I just hope it wasn’t left lying around to be gobbled up by hungry orphans, It’s true that it sometimes needs cleaning but it could at least have been fed to a dog or pig or something.

    Ah! I have too many things to do today so I’m not doing any of them (you know how it is).

  19. Joe says:

    I can’t even begin to try and add something useful to this debate.

    But he was scary on Colbert. I kept thinking he a bit too nice. Like that uncle that always brings candy and has you play the games in the closet when no one is around called “good touch, bad touch.”

    Um… not that I know how that is mind you.

  20. Doc says:

    Invented the MAC??? I think not! But the original Apple computer- a work of genius! Now his sense of humor- only a true nerd could love that…

  21. John Moltz says:

    I have corrected the Mac bit. Let it never be said that CARS does not value accuracy.

  22. k2technology says:

    Here at iSOAP – the International Skin, Organ, and Advanced sexbot portection agency, we work tirelessy to ensure the protection of all of your internal organs and sexbots. We can’t have some big teddy bear bearded psycho running around with razor sharp business cards and slicing up peoples organs… the public just wont stand for that kind of Tom Foolery. WOZ or steven timothy edward wozniak aka steve is on our top 49 most wanted list… just behind that guy who had the people in his fridge in Chicago and was eating their organs and such, and behind Dick clark, who has made a career of peeling the skin off of helpless young children and wearing it as a disguise to keep people from seeing his hideously disfigured rotting flesh now that he is completely run by rogue software protocols created by alien androids… oh, I am probably not supposed to tell you any of that information. uh… never mind.. ok?

  23. Dark Lord Ubuntu says:

    It is known to me that this self proclaimed “Woz” has disdained and demonized the one true OS, praise Ubuntu. His heresy runs deep and uncovers a vile river of filth running through his Wozzy veins. He has ignored Ubuntu, committing heresy by thought. He has denied Ubuntu, committing heresy by word. He has not installed Ubuntu, committing heresy by deed. He has failed in his mission to destroy and devour the other Steve, committing heresy by lunch time.

    Face it, he’s screwed. Once I get out of this evil dimension where Ubuntu is just a children’s toy, riding ponies through fields of flowers and rescuing some damn teddy bears from an annoyingly nice ogre-thing, I’m gonna call him in for a debriefing and find out what the hell he’s been doing for these last 20 years. He sure isn’t following the Ubuntu way, and he’s gonna PAY for that.

  24. Ace Deuce says:

    CARS does not value accuracy.

    There. Somebody had to say it just to be contrary. Mea culpa.

  25. John Moltz says:

    I SAID “NEVER LET IT BE SAID”!

    Damn you to hell, Ace Deuce!

  26. Mister Ron says:

    Well, Woz did not invent the Mac, BUT he did invent the ADB mouse while working on the Apple IIgs, and it immediately got put in the Mac as a replacement for the old telephone cord mouse, which sucked.

    He also invented the SWIM chip, and discovered that you didn’t need to have a laser beam inside a floppy drive tracking the little hole in it to find out where data was — he cleverly designed a system that looked for a certain number of blocks composed of zeroes to position itself with the data, making the first affordable floppy drive in history (his block and sector technique is essentially what every hard drive in the world does to this day).

    He designed the first consumer computer to utilize card slots for expandability, and took a chip set that only produced black and white signals and discovered how to make color by banging the pixels together.

    BTW, there’s a picture of me with a copy of the famous “Red Book” at http://www.wap.org/apple2/forever.html, the only publication ever to contain the entir ROM code for an Apple Computer, including Woz’s comments. As ever, I am willing to trade a Red Book for any brand new currently shipping Apple Macintosh. 🙂

  27. Anonymous says:

    I wonder how big a pout Moltz will throw if Woz doesn’t visit and post something in the comments?

    If Woz doesn’t show, I’m figuring Moltz and the whole CARS staff will spend the next week long break drinking wine coolers and downing handfuls of Mydol, sobbing to flicks on the WE network.

    Of course Masako will bitch-slap the lot of them, and tell them they have no effin’ idea what a period is like. “AND STOP ROCKING BACK AND FORTH HUGGING THE WOZZIE BEAR!”

  28. Squished Squirrel says:

    Damn… that last one was mine…. ALLL MINE.

  29. Huh? says:

    Ooooo…. John’s getting just a bit touchy, eh?
    Snapping at defenseless posters. What’s next huh?

    Oh, that’s me.. Damn- too confusing

    moo (teleprompters for Pants™®)

  30. NWJR says:

    Woz is like the “My Little Pony” of the tech world, really.

    Take that any way you like.

  31. Moof!

    Woz is my bud. So shut up about him, before I leave a flaming bag of dogcrap/cowpies on your front porch!

    Then you’ll rue the day that you messed with the Woz!

    Moof!

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    “Wheels Of Zeus”….nuf said.

    Obviously he’s responsible for global warming despite the Segway, a lame attempt to appease the mortals he’s destroying.

  33. Rip Ragged says:

    All this time I thought Woz was the | stuff. Now I learn that his beard is itchy and my new iPod sock sucks. That isn’t the Macintosh Way. I want a refund. This just raises millions of questions. Where the hell is Guy Kawasaki when you need him? What is the world coming to? Is Elvis sucking prune juice and oat bran in a nursing home in North Dakota? Paper or plastic? Who farted?

    Nothing makes sense anymore.

  34. Harry "Snapper" Organs says:

    What’s all this, then?

  35. David says:

    He invented the first Apple computer, and he’s an eccentric genius, and you’re just a stupid rumors site editor who never invented anything; and who the hell are you to nay-say the great Woz? Bitch.

  36. iWoz says:

    Moltz, bite me.

  37. All Hail the WOZ! says:

    I love you John Moltz. But remember that WOZ was in a tragic plane crash… His demor today is a direct result of that crash… trust me… WOZ is a great guy and screw anyone that says differently. Thank god he’s rich and I hope it lasts. He was a brilliant man once and probably still is.

    I praise the WOZ as a galactic enity.

  38. tv is wake zone says:

    I have had it with you Mother Fucking Snakes on this Mother Fucking Plane.

    I dont need your comments like that it just makes you seem silly. Why not spend your time doing better things like buying my book or starting your own company???

  39. monkeys says:

    forty woz

    hell, that was a crap of a joke.

  40. […] check out this criticism of Woz we offered over a year ago: Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he […]

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