The Case Against Steve Wozniak.

Editing a respected Mac web site…


Why does everyone laugh when I say that?!


I’ll start again.

Editing a respected Mac web site means occasionally taking a position that is unpopular.

The G4 Cube is overpriced. iPod Socks are stupid. Steve Jobs killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies (that, actually, turned to not be true, but the point is we were unpopular when we reported it).

But there is probably no more unpopular position I have taken as CARS editor than this: Larry, your continued infatuation with Ellen Feiss is not healthy and may be ruining your marriage.

But, if we leave out Larry Sterwutz of Rock Falls, Illinois, the next least popular position is our continued insistence that Steve Wozniak is just no good.

OK, OK, settle down.

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Frankly, it’s enough to make me hurl.

Today, for example, John Gruber asked “How can anyone not love Woz?”

Now, this is clearly a personal shot at me. And, probably, WozBot 3000, the anti-Woz killer robot from the future. But, while WozBot is fueled by an irrational killer rage (and plutonium), I actually have a solid basis for my anti-Woz stance, which I will now detail.

Consider this the CARS anti-Woz manifesto.

  • This so-called “other” Steve detracts attention from our one true god, Steve Jobs.
  • Did you see his appearance on the Colbert Report? He’s nuts!
  • Let’s turn John Gruber’s question around – how can any rational person love someone who rides a Segway? Hmm? You can’t! It’s impossible!
  • Someone named Steve who worked at Apple in 1982 killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies. We now know it wasn’t Steve Jobs but it could have been Wozniak. Can we afford to take that chance?
  • He totally didn’t even write iWoz. And it’s supposed to be his autobiography! That’s like the laziest form of plagiarism ever!
  • Sources close to Wozniak say he doesn’t floss as often as he should.
  • Anyone who’s ever kissed him full on the lips knows that that beard is really itchy.

So, you Woz apologists can drone on and on about how he invented the first Apple computer and he’s an eccentric genius and I’m just a stupid rumors site editor who never invented anything and who the hell am I to nay-say the great Woz? Bitch.

And those are all valid points. Except for the bitch part.

But when you’re stuck in Woz’s underground lair and he’s slowly peeling your flesh off and eating your spleen, don’t come crying to Johnny.