Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
A: Uh, yes? Hello.
Q: Are you the guy who dissed Woz?
Q: Are you?!
A: Uh… wasn’t that… uh… no, I think that was Jason O’Grady.
Q: Oh. OK. ‘Cause I’m gonna mess him up.
A: Oooh. Hmm. Well… don’t do that… he, uh… er… Eh. He’ll be fine.
Q: I have a Mac and I have that same heat problem that they started the class action suit over. Apple isn’t currently giving me any recourse, so how can I at least protect my lap from the blistering heat?
A: Well, you’ll want to get yourself one of the many laptop support stands, like a Podium Pad or…
Q: I tried that! It didn’t work at all! I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get a Mac Pro on those little footie things?! It’s impossible!
A: Wait, a Mac Pro?
Q: Yeah! This thing is ridiculously hot! It’s really burning my thighs!
A: Well… what the hell do you have it on your lap for?
Q: I… don’t… really… know. I’m sorry. I’ll just… uh… I’ll just put it on the floor…?
A: The floor?! No, you idiot! A man wears his Mac Pro strapped to his back at all times! How else will anyone know about his raw computing and purchasing power?!
Q: Uh… ah! Yes! Like men!
A: Like men!
Q: Uh, yeah, the only thing is, I’ve got this lower back thing…
A: Oh, for Pete’s sake!
A: Oh. Hey. Can I help you?
Q: Uh… you’ve probably never had someone with this problem before…
A: Oh, we get all kinds here.
Q: Oh… I doubt you’ve had this problem.
A: You’ve got an iPod shuffle stuck up your butt?
Q: Uh… well. I stand corrected. Also I stand because… I can’t sit down…