13 Oct 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hello?
A: Uh, yes? Hello.
Q: Are you the guy who dissed Woz?
A: Uh-boy.
Q: Are you?!
A: Uh… wasn’t that… uh… no, I think that was Jason O’Grady.
Q: Oh. OK. ‘Cause I’m gonna mess him up.
A: Oooh. Hmm. Well… don’t do that… he, uh… er… Eh. He’ll be fine.

Q: I have a Mac and I have that same heat problem that they started the class action suit over. Apple isn’t currently giving me any recourse, so how can I at least protect my lap from the blistering heat?
A: Well, you’ll want to get yourself one of the many laptop support stands, like a Podium Pad or…
Q: I tried that! It didn’t work at all! I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get a Mac Pro on those little footie things?! It’s impossible!
A: Wait, a Mac Pro?
Q: Yeah! This thing is ridiculously hot! It’s really burning my thighs!
A: Well… what the hell do you have it on your lap for?
Q: …
A: …
Q: I… don’t… really… know. I’m sorry. I’ll just… uh… I’ll just put it on the floor…?
A: The floor?! No, you idiot! A man wears his Mac Pro strapped to his back at all times! How else will anyone know about his raw computing and purchasing power?!
Q: Uh… ah! Yes! Like men!
A: Like men!
Q: Uh, yeah, the only thing is, I’ve got this lower back thing…
A: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

Q: Hey.
A: Oh. Hey. Can I help you?
Q: Uh… you’ve probably never had someone with this problem before…
A: Oh, we get all kinds here.
Q: Oh… I doubt you’ve had this problem.
A: You’ve got an iPod shuffle stuck up your butt?
Q: Uh… well. I stand corrected. Also I stand because… I can’t sit down…
A: Mmm.

28 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Blargo says:


  2. Wysz says:

    The first generation iPod shuffle or the new one?

  3. Garrett says:

    Take two Ubuntu’s and call someone who freaking cares!

  4. OMGHAX says:

    The Woz or your kneecaps!

  5. Huh? says:

    Up the butt.

    um… yeah.

    That’s just | dumb. Unless you’re using non-Apple headphones, the cable is nowhere near | long enough.
    Not that I would know by experience…

    moo (Pants™®- not just for breakfast anymore!)

  6. 2000guitars says:

    Up the butt. Pffffft. That’s not possible. Now, if it was a Mac Pro up there, maybe we’d believe it… Let’s drop this “brown journalism” Moltz, and get back to the yellow we all know and love.

    oh, and 6th

  7. Disgusted Col Rtd says:

    You are a disgrace with your continual ‘Anal’ so-called humour.
    Back in ’67 on the North West Frontier, a junior officer approached the Regimental Doctor in a similar condition to your last enquirer. When the ‘quack’ reported this to me, I had the subaltern taken outside and shot at dawn.
    I would recommend the same punishment for you but I have run out of ammunition.
    Would you kindly ask the Help Desk if they are aware of a likely source?
    Disgusted Col Rtd.

  8. Buthidae says:

    Lucky number 8. No further comment 😛

  9. The Doctor says:

    If its first gen shuffle then all one needs is a good set of tongs…

    if it is 2nd gen then ummm…. your on your own…..

  10. Ventzi says:

    And what about the RED nano?


  11. Anonymous says:

    There’s nothing like waking up still drunk and yet obligated to go on a trip to visit people you don’t care for with your betrothed. Yippee.

  12. Rip Ragged says:


  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Here are the current temperatures from my dual 2.3 GHz G5 tower:

    CPU A Core 1: 33˚
    CPU A Core 2: 33˚
    GPU: 47˚
    Tunnel: 30˚
    Tunnel Heatsink: 29˚
    Drive Bay: 25˚
    Backside: 36˚
    Lapside: 52˚
    Under Tongue: 37˚
    Armpit: 37˚
    Rectum: 37˚
    Reactor Core: 74˚
    Wine Cellar: 11˚

    All temperatures Celsius.

  14. Huh? says:

    In the interest of sharing too much information, I will post my values along with Ace’s. (1st gen 2.0GHz G5)

    CPU A Core 1: 310.25˚
    CPU A Core 2: 310.15˚
    Memory Controller 321.65˚
    Tunnel: 303.95˚
    Tunnel Heatsink: 303.35˚
    Drive Bay: 299.65˚
    Drive 1: 309.15˚
    Drive 2: 310.15˚
    Backside: 313.55˚
    Under Tongue: 310.25˚
    Armpit: 310.25˚
    Rectum: 310.25˚
    Reactor Core: 305.15˚(cold fusion)

    All temperatures Kelvin.

    I am running a bit hotter than Ace, but hey… It’s California.

    moo (Hot Pants™®)

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    My first generation single processor 1.8 GHz G5 feels slightly warm to the touch, like a coffee mug about 3 minutes after pouring a fresh cup.

    All temperatures relative to my mood (estimated).

    Can a Shuffle be reprogrammed as a rectal thermometer?

  16. Ahnyer Keester says:

    First two, not bad. The last one was cheap and not funny.

    Where can I get the straps to carry my snow globe iMac on my back?

    Welcome back Dis|Col|Ret!! I…I love you sir.

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    The last one was funny but would benefit greatly with a “Ba Boom!” or a cymbal hit with brushes type sound (Chsss!) as the last line instead of “Mmm.”

  18. Jasonbot says:

    I wish I had a Mac Pro to strap on my back :X Do you think an iMac will do? Does it have to be a 24″??

  19. Joe says:

    I hate it when I sit on my Shuffle and it crawls up my butt…

    Wait, I don’t own a shuffle. So what the hell is … OH GOD! IT’S PLAYING “I’VE GOT A LOVELY BUNHC OF COCONUTS” AGAIN!!!! WHY GOD WHY?!?!?

  20. Anomynous says:

    Only 21 posts all weekend? What, do you people suddenly have lives or something?

  21. DocWolfram says:

    I raked the yard and sang in a concert. What did you do?

  22. foo master says:

    iPod up the butt. Is that some sorta cheap personal surround sound?

  23. Squished Squirrel says:

    That would make sense… that being the rear channel and all.

  24. monkeys says:

    Thank god it wasn’t a Zune up the guy’s butt. But that would explain the brown color…

  25. Abi says:

    Awesome, man