Apple announced the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg today. Rosenberg will serve as Apple’s General Counsel and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the transcript of his interview with Steve Jobs!
We have no idea why they would record something like this, but they do a lot of weird shit.
And it all manages to find its way to… Inside Apple.
APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: Thanks for coming in. It’s great to finally meet you.
DONALD J. ROSENBERG: The pleasure’s mine!
JOBS: Now, Donny… May I call you Donny?
ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I’d really rather you didn’t.
JOBS: The Donster?
ROSENBERG: Nnno. I usually just go by Don.
JOBS: How about the Doninator?
ROSENBERG: Well… you can see how that might be worse than Donny, can’t you?
JOBS: I suppose so. How about Donatello?
JOBS: Great sculptor. Literally a Renaissance man.
ROSENBERG: I guess that’s OK…
JOBS: Also a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, if I’m not mistaken.
JOBS: OK, Donatello, let’s get started. I notice on your resumé that you’ve only been at IBM since January. That’s not a long time. Care to tell me why you’ve decided to go job-hopping?
ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I guess because you actively recruited me and offered me a whole boatload of money to come to Apple because I haven’t been associated with any stock-option scandals and I know a lot about intellectual property.
JOBS: Hmm. Are you sassin’ me, boy?
JOBS: You seem like you might have an attitude problem.
ROSENBERG: Not at all.
JOBS: You’re not one of those rebels are you?
JOBS: A loose cannon?
ROSENBERG: No sir.
JOBS: Only out for yourself?
ROSENBERG: Not me.
JOBS: A bad actor, on the edge?
ROSENBERG: Very far from the edge.
JOBS: How far?
ROSENBERG: Like, a mile and a half. Maybe two miles.
JOBS: Really? Wow. That’s pretty good. I’m only about a hundred yards on a good day.
ROSENBERG: I see.
JOBS: Still, you can’t be me. I don’t expect that. That’d be all wrong. I mean, then we’d have two offices with “Steve Jobs” written on them. It’d be very confusing.
JOBS: You’d get all my email. I’d get all yours.
ROSENBERG: It’d be insanity.
JOBS: Exactly. OK, now, our last General Counsel had breasts. You don’t seem to have any noticeable breasts.
ROSENBERG: Um… uh… thank… you?
JOBS: But you are open to adding breasts later should we require it for, you know, diversity purposes.
JOBS: Oh. Well… that’s going to be kind of a problem… Ah, never mind. I’ll just get [Senior Vice President of the iPod Division] Tony [Faddell] to wear a dress. He’s got the legs for it.
ROSENBERG: If you say so.
JOBS: I do. You should see him. Guy must have played soccer or something. I don’t roll that way, but if I did… whoo. Damn.
JOBS: Well. Let’s move on.
JOBS: Hmm. Hmm. [mumbles] IBM.
ROSENBERG: What’s that?
JOBS: I. B. M.
ROSENBERG: Yes. That’s… where I work now.
JOBS: I’ve heard of them.
ROSENBERG: Uh, sure you have.
JOBS: I could have worked for them if I had wanted to.
JOBS: You’re not such a big shot.
ROSENBERG: I didn’t say…
JOBS: They just wanted me to move further away from the edge. Like a good 500 yards. And I didn’t want to do that.
JOBS: Yeah. So, if you work for IBM, that means you’ve spent most of this year in New York state… Quick! Mets or Yankees?!
ROSENBERG: Um… uh… Knicks!
JOBS: Ah… very clever. Very clever. Truth be told, I don’t know jack about baseball, it’s more of a psychological question. Like, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” See how you think on your feet. You handled that like a pro.
ROSENBERG: Oh. Well, great!
JOBS: I’m very pleased with what I’m seeing here, Donatello. If you do well in the swimsuit competition, I think you might be our next General Counsel!
ROSENBERG: Fabulous! Well, I’ll just… uh… did you say “swimsuit competition”?
JOBS: Just a formality.
ROSENBERG: How much money, exactly, are you throwing at me again?
JOBS: A lot.
ROSENBERG: Mmm. OK.
JOBS: And, hey, how about some backdated stock options?!
ROSENBERG: Uh… no…
JOBS: Ahh, I’m just kidding! You need to lighten up. You seem a little serious.