13 Nov 06Inside Apple: The Rosenberg Interview!

Apple announced the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg today. Rosenberg will serve as Apple’s General Counsel and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the transcript of his interview with Steve Jobs!

We have no idea why they would record something like this, but they do a lot of weird shit.

And it all manages to find its way to… Inside Apple.


APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: Thanks for coming in. It’s great to finally meet you.

DONALD J. ROSENBERG: The pleasure’s mine!

JOBS: Now, Donny… May I call you Donny?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I’d really rather you didn’t.

JOBS: The Donster?

ROSENBERG: Nnno. I usually just go by Don.

JOBS: How about the Doninator?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: Donny-do-Donny-do-dee-di-do-Donny?

ROSENBERG: Well… you can see how that might be worse than Donny, can’t you?

JOBS: I suppose so. How about Donatello?

ROSENBERG: Um…

JOBS: Great sculptor. Literally a Renaissance man.

ROSENBERG: I guess that’s OK…

JOBS: Also a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, if I’m not mistaken.

ROSENBERG: Huh.

JOBS: OK, Donatello, let’s get started. I notice on your resumé that you’ve only been at IBM since January. That’s not a long time. Care to tell me why you’ve decided to go job-hopping?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I guess because you actively recruited me and offered me a whole boatload of money to come to Apple because I haven’t been associated with any stock-option scandals and I know a lot about intellectual property.

JOBS: Hmm. Are you sassin’ me, boy?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: You seem like you might have an attitude problem.

ROSENBERG: Not at all.

JOBS: You’re not one of those rebels are you?

ROSENBERG: Uhn-uh.

JOBS: A loose cannon?

ROSENBERG: No sir.

JOBS: Only out for yourself?

ROSENBERG: Not me.

JOBS: A bad actor, on the edge?

ROSENBERG: Very far from the edge.

JOBS: How far?

ROSENBERG: Like, a mile and a half. Maybe two miles.

JOBS: Really? Wow. That’s pretty good. I’m only about a hundred yards on a good day.

ROSENBERG: I see.

JOBS: Still, you can’t be me. I don’t expect that. That’d be all wrong. I mean, then we’d have two offices with “Steve Jobs” written on them. It’d be very confusing.

ROSENBERG: Right.

JOBS: You’d get all my email. I’d get all yours.

ROSENBERG: It’d be insanity.

JOBS: Exactly. OK, now, our last General Counsel had breasts. You don’t seem to have any noticeable breasts.

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… thank… you?

JOBS: But you are open to adding breasts later should we require it for, you know, diversity purposes.

ROSENBERG: Nnno.

JOBS: Oh. Well… that’s going to be kind of a problem… Ah, never mind. I’ll just get [Senior Vice President of the iPod Division] Tony [Faddell] to wear a dress. He’s got the legs for it.

ROSENBERG: If you say so.

JOBS: I do. You should see him. Guy must have played soccer or something. I don’t roll that way, but if I did… whoo. Damn.

ROSENBERG: …

JOBS: Well. Let’s move on.

ROSENBERG: Please.

JOBS: Hmm. Hmm. [mumbles] IBM.

ROSENBERG: What’s that?

JOBS: I. B. M.

ROSENBERG: Yes. That’s… where I work now.

JOBS: I’ve heard of them.

ROSENBERG: Uh, sure you have.

JOBS: I could have worked for them if I had wanted to.

ROSENBERG: Oh?

JOBS: You’re not such a big shot.

ROSENBERG: I didn’t say…

JOBS: They just wanted me to move further away from the edge. Like a good 500 yards. And I didn’t want to do that.

ROSENBERG: OK.

JOBS: Yeah. So, if you work for IBM, that means you’ve spent most of this year in New York state… Quick! Mets or Yankees?!

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… Knicks!

JOBS: Ah… very clever. Very clever. Truth be told, I don’t know jack about baseball, it’s more of a psychological question. Like, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” See how you think on your feet. You handled that like a pro.

ROSENBERG: Oh. Well, great!

JOBS: I’m very pleased with what I’m seeing here, Donatello. If you do well in the swimsuit competition, I think you might be our next General Counsel!

ROSENBERG: Fabulous! Well, I’ll just… uh… did you say “swimsuit competition”?

JOBS: Just a formality.

ROSENBERG: How much money, exactly, are you throwing at me again?

JOBS: A lot.

ROSENBERG: Mmm. OK.

JOBS: And, hey, how about some backdated stock options?!

ROSENBERG: Uh… no…

JOBS: Ahh, I’m just kidding! You need to lighten up. You seem a little serious.

44 Responses to “Inside Apple: The Rosenberg Interview!”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Where is everybody?

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Besides me, that is?

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    I’d like to compare this one to the Nancy Heinen interview. Does Inside Apple have that transcript?

  4. John Moltz says:

    Waiting for you to start comment stacking…

    AND THEN I POUNCE!

  5. vitamin fortified says:

    Sorry, I was in the dressing room trying on the dress Steve sent me. Like the style, just not my color. First to say Fourth

  6. John Moltz says:

    No. I think we had something with Heinen, though. I seem to remember her cross-examining herself.

  7. Drat! Would have gotten my post in a second sooner if the zipper hadn’t got stuck.

  8. Carl says:

    For backdated stock options, I’d let Steve call me “Michelangelo.” But not “Leonardo.” That turtle was a dick.

  9. His Steveness says:

    John, u forgot the following part of the interview:

    Steve: Do u like ponys?

    Rose: No, but I already heard of your obsession. Where’s the saddle, you mad cowboy?

    BTW: Did anyone see that link between Donny’s nickname and Steves pony obsession?

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Nice article. And yeah, someone stop Ace Deuce with all the stealing of the good post numbers.

    Eleven.

  11. 2000guitars says:

    hmmmm

    got to watch out for those backdoor stock “options”

    heheh

  12. Nxxx says:

    Why wasn’t he offered a UK Labour Party Peerage instead of backdated stock options?

    If they had, I would believe this post.

  13. Aaron says:

    My iMac’s power supply is on the fritz again (I’ve got AppleCare but won’t be able to take it in till Wednesday probably) – in the meantime I have to post this from my Inspiron.

    I feel so dirty.

  14. Sudo Nym says:

    I don’t think I could work at Apple.

    If Jobs insisted on calling me Su-Su-Sudeo Nym, well, that would get old FAST.

  15. Don of Doom says:

    Hey Moltz! You are famous (well, more than normal anyway)….

    http://db.tidbits.com/article/8745

  16. NWJR says:

    Did they offer him a pony? Everyone loves ponies.

  17. That Cranky Old Guy says:

    Hey! You! Get your legal briefs off my lawn!

  18. Hobbs says:

    Funny as in Quintessential Wodehousian humour!

  19. DocWolfram says:

    Way to go Moltz! Mentioned in TidBITS! (and more than one sentence!)

    (I like exclamation points today!)

    Oh, and 20!

  20. J0n says:

    Eleventy-teen!

  21. Anomynous says:

    I don’t think they offered him a pony ’cause Steve is hoarding the ponies for himself.

  22. OMGHAX says:

    Hah hah hah!

  23. Steve Jobs says:

    IBM, they had a former IBM exec. as the CEO of Apple for a while. Ellen something.

    No, not Feiss. Hancock!

    Well, with an extra d you could see how that adds up to a sexual harrassment lawsuit that would make backdating stock options look like child’s play.

    Bozo

    S

  24. alan says:

    Nice work!

    “But you are open to adding breasts later should we require it…”

  25. John Moltz says:

    Hey, I actually wrote something for TidBITS once.

    Check it out.

  26. Ahnyer Keester says:

    This is a fake!! I can prove it because Steve never once said boom!

  27. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Hey, I actually wrote something for TidBITS once.

    Check it out.

    Puh-leeze John, that is so outdated!! It is like a four year old joke or something. Get with the times man!

  28. John Moltz says:

    Hamster jokes never go out of style.

  29. HisSteveness says:

    John, you are wrong on that one – that’s what they say about pony jokes..

  30. Steve Jobs says:

    What’s black and white and looks good on a lawyer?

    A doberman!

    Yoink!

    S.

  31. Anonymous says:

    all about apples in google

  32. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Inside Apple: The Rosenberg Interview!, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

  33. Anke says:

    …”a digital enearttinment destination where you can find, enjoy and share your favorite music, movies, books and apps…”?Over here in Germany all this magic is just a strange new name for the android market. No music, no movies, only apps. I spend money at itunes, dropbox, amazon – but google does not want to have German customers? Strange and incomprehensible :-/

  34. That’s a skillful answer to a difficult question

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  41. Donald J. Rosenberg and The Professional otimo My Opinion I hope will add the team 😀 APPLE 2016

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