10 Nov 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: You ran a poll a couple of weeks ago asking who should replace Steve Jobs, but you left out the most obvious person.
A: Really? We had Boba Fett…
Q: No! Amelio!
A: Come again?
Q: Gil Amelio! C’mon, he’s got experience and it’s a repeat of Jobs’ storybook return!
A: How’s that?
Q: Apple leader, forced out, wanders in the wilderness of the technology industry for ten years and then returns triumphant!
A: “The wilderness”? He’s a venture capitalist.
Q: I’ve even got a slogan for him. Amelio: tanned, rested and ready!
A: Wait, wasn’t that Nixon’s slogan?
Q: Maybe. So what?
A: I dunno, it’s just… Amelio?
Q: Well, it beats the hell out of Spindler.
A: Well, that’s obvious.

Q: I bought a MacBook over the summer because I was really excited about the built-in iSight camera and the ability to video chat with my friends. But I’ve recently become concerned that Apple is watching me through it! I don’t have any direct proof, but I can’t shake this feeling!
A: These kinds of phobias are perfectly natural, but irrational. You may rest assured that Apple is not looking at you through your iSight.
Q: OK. OK. That’s a relief. I feel better now.
A: Yes. Our sources at Apple say they were looking at you through your iSight, but… well… let’s face it, what’s to see?
Q: Uh…
A: I mean, you sitting at home every Saturday night. Eating Cup Ramen, watching your Farscape DVDs and… well… applying that ointment.
Q: Hey! Farscape was a great show! And the rash won’t go away!
A: Hmm. Perhaps the rash is the physical representation of your Farscape fever and will only go away when you move on.
Q: Huh. Wow. I never thought of that. You think that’s it?
A: What? N-no. Dude, you’re wearing leather chaps. It’s the chafing.
Q: Ah, the chafing! I should have thought of that.

Q: You may know your way around Mac, Mr. Help Desk Guy, but you don’t know the first thing about chaps.
A: Uh, well, that could be. But what’s your beef?
Q: Chafing? Chafing? Heh, maybe if you got your chaps at Target or something.
A: Well, I’m not the one wearing the chaps…
Q: What you want to do is go down to the Village and go to the chaps place on Bleecker Street. Tell them Carl sent you.
A: I don’t need any chaps. It was the guy in the last question.
Q: Get the suede ones. The real suede ones. Not that crappy Mexican suedeola. Now, that will give you chafing.
A: I’m not so much in the market for chaps. Not so much a chaps wearer.
Q: A lot of people will tell you to oil your chaps every week. Don’t. Get the spray coating. It’s cheaper and doesn’t leave a residue.
A: I should put you in touch with the previous caller.
Q: I’m wearing my chaps right now and nary a sign of chafing. Check out my bikini area.
A: No. Actually, I think it’s time for an abrupt ending. We haven’t had one of those in a while anyway.

32 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Eric says:

    Numero Uno!

  2. Stitch says:


    irony… ugh!

  3. stridey says:

    Tre… ah, forget it. I’m going with English.


  4. Nxxx says:

    What does it all mean?

    Or to quote someone. “What do I know?”.

  5. Squished Squirrel says:

    5% CPU Utilization

  6. Moomoo says:

    woooooooooooooooo 6

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Chaps are handy for wading through a pool of ravenous beavers.

    Just don’t walk backward.

  8. Step says:

    It’s been a long time, baby . . .

  9. Step says:



    ah, boy, that was fun.

  10. Step says:

    Oh, and I read the story. Chaps = TMI

  11. Step says:

    And I am TOTALLY not stuffing the ballot box or anything like that!

  12. Step says:

    11th for me! Now it’s time for bed.

  13. 2000guitars says:

    And you know what else chaps my ass???

    apparently not….

  14. Huh? says:

    Everyone knows that chaps are soooooo yesterday.
    Pants™® are the way to go.

    I would also like to apologize for the lack of humor in this post.
    Flying for 20+ hours, on top of 30+ hours of no sleep tends to do that.
    No, not that. THAT.
    Yeaaah… um…



  15. alan says:

    chaps… hmm…


  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Anyone else wondering why John knows so much about chaps?

    Moltz you’re a freak!

    Freaking freak.

  17. NWJR says:

    I put on chaps every time I ride my little pony, ifyouknowwhatimean.

    Actually, I don’t even know what I mean.

    Never mind.

  18. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Ravenous beavers.

    Heh heh heh.

    They’re like naughty bits, but ravenous!

  19. monkeys says:


    or not.

  20. OMGHAX says:

    Farscape was a good show!

    “My name is Michael Crighton. I’m an astronaut. I just wanna get home.”

  21. Sudo Nym says:

    I just don’t understand this site any more.

    Admittedly, a rash can be irritating. But the ointment — ahh, the ointment — that is certainly the highlight of the day. Why would you give that up?

    As for the all-seeing iSight… it does not see my true, inward self.

    So, is there any sort of an X-ray attachment or something for the iSight?

  22. His Steveness says:


  23. Rip Ragged says:

    Oh sure. Just putting on ointment.

    I know what’s going on know with the whole Microsoft-Novell thing. They’re going to merge the Apple player/store paradigm with Linux. They’ll call it uTunes.

    That way you can download uTunes to your Zune with ubuntu.


  24. Eses says:

    Where are the visual aides when we need them John? Hee!

  25. The Visual Aides says:

    We were down in the A/V room for just a sec. Had to return the projectors from Biology lab…

    For some reason, all the students were wearing Chaps.

    The cologne from Ralph Lauren, we mean. It was weird.

  26. Joe #2 says:

    It puts the ointment on it’s skin or it gets the hose again.

  27. DocWolfram says:

    Obviously not abrupt enough!

  28. monkeys says:


    what about… NOW!

  29. vfkmyvknwf says:

    Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! imsculwulia

  30. bob says:

    YCgts5 hi great site thx http://peace.com

  31. arni says:

    good site dude

  32. Meetings says:

    great question and answers