Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: You ran a poll a couple of weeks ago asking who should replace Steve Jobs, but you left out the most obvious person.
A: Really? We had Boba Fett…
Q: No! Amelio!
A: Come again?
Q: Gil Amelio! C’mon, he’s got experience and it’s a repeat of Jobs’ storybook return!
A: How’s that?
Q: Apple leader, forced out, wanders in the wilderness of the technology industry for ten years and then returns triumphant!
A: “The wilderness”? He’s a venture capitalist.
Q: I’ve even got a slogan for him. Amelio: tanned, rested and ready!
A: Wait, wasn’t that Nixon’s slogan?
Q: Maybe. So what?
A: I dunno, it’s just… Amelio?
Q: Well, it beats the hell out of Spindler.
A: Well, that’s obvious.
Q: I bought a MacBook over the summer because I was really excited about the built-in iSight camera and the ability to video chat with my friends. But I’ve recently become concerned that Apple is watching me through it! I don’t have any direct proof, but I can’t shake this feeling!
A: These kinds of phobias are perfectly natural, but irrational. You may rest assured that Apple is not looking at you through your iSight.
Q: OK. OK. That’s a relief. I feel better now.
A: Yes. Our sources at Apple say they were looking at you through your iSight, but… well… let’s face it, what’s to see?
A: I mean, you sitting at home every Saturday night. Eating Cup Ramen, watching your Farscape DVDs and… well… applying that ointment.
Q: Hey! Farscape was a great show! And the rash won’t go away!
A: Hmm. Perhaps the rash is the physical representation of your Farscape fever and will only go away when you move on.
Q: Huh. Wow. I never thought of that. You think that’s it?
A: What? N-no. Dude, you’re wearing leather chaps. It’s the chafing.
Q: Ah, the chafing! I should have thought of that.
Q: You may know your way around Mac, Mr. Help Desk Guy, but you don’t know the first thing about chaps.
A: Uh, well, that could be. But what’s your beef?
Q: Chafing? Chafing? Heh, maybe if you got your chaps at Target or something.
A: Well, I’m not the one wearing the chaps…
Q: What you want to do is go down to the Village and go to the chaps place on Bleecker Street. Tell them Carl sent you.
A: I don’t need any chaps. It was the guy in the last question.
Q: Get the suede ones. The real suede ones. Not that crappy Mexican suedeola. Now, that will give you chafing.
A: I’m not so much in the market for chaps. Not so much a chaps wearer.
Q: A lot of people will tell you to oil your chaps every week. Don’t. Get the spray coating. It’s cheaper and doesn’t leave a residue.
A: I should put you in touch with the previous caller.
Q: I’m wearing my chaps right now and nary a sign of chafing. Check out my bikini area.
A: No. Actually, I think it’s time for an abrupt ending. We haven’t had one of those in a while anyway.