In an exciting turn of events, Apple has announced that this year’s Macworld keynote will be longer than the usual presentation.
This has caused rampant speculation that CEO Steve Jobs has significant announcements to make.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that this is in fact the case. Indeed, the keynote will not be two hours long as reported by other sites, but an astounding eight hours long. Attendees are advised to hit the latrine before entering, as the doors will be locked until the last startling revelation is made.
According to documents obtained by CARS reporters, Jobs will make the following earth-shattering announcements:
- Apple is releasing not one, not two, but seventeen different phones, ranging in capabilities and colors. Maybe eighteen. Probably not twenty. Could be, though. Forty is not out of the question.
- Stunning the audience, Jobs will reveal that the reason you can’t believe it’s not butter is because it’s actually butter and the people at Unilever have been lying to you.
- Quickly contrasting that, however, Jobs will show that soylent green isn’t made from people, it’s made from soy. Just like it sounds.
- Phil Schiller will take the stage and announce that he is made of meat.
- Adobe CEO Bruce Chizen will appear ostensibly for a bake-off with the new CS3 beta, but instead will be fed to some angry possums.
- Jobs will then announce an application suite that does everything CS3 does and faster. And it’s part of iLife and it only costs $70. And you get a small soda and your choice of soup or salad.
- The soup is special space soup with magical space powers that turn you into an awesome super-cool astronaut. With chicks.
- New full-touch-screen video iPod. And a tablet Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob that will cause Jason O’Grady to expire in sheer orgasmic pleasure right on the spot.
- Of course, the long-rumored Apple perpetual motion machine. That’s a given.
- Finally Jobs will promise that they’re really going to start working on sexbots this year. Really. They mean it. That’s what the whole “Welcome to 2007” thing was about in the first place.
After looking shocked and starting to say “Where did you get thi…”, Apple declined to comment for this story.