03 Jan 07Macworld Keynote To Be Longer Than Normal.

In an exciting turn of events, Apple has announced that this year’s Macworld keynote will be longer than the usual presentation.

This has caused rampant speculation that CEO Steve Jobs has significant announcements to make.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that this is in fact the case. Indeed, the keynote will not be two hours long as reported by other sites, but an astounding eight hours long. Attendees are advised to hit the latrine before entering, as the doors will be locked until the last startling revelation is made.

According to documents obtained by CARS reporters, Jobs will make the following earth-shattering announcements:

  • Apple is releasing not one, not two, but seventeen different phones, ranging in capabilities and colors. Maybe eighteen. Probably not twenty. Could be, though. Forty is not out of the question.
  • Stunning the audience, Jobs will reveal that the reason you can’t believe it’s not butter is because it’s actually butter and the people at Unilever have been lying to you.
  • Quickly contrasting that, however, Jobs will show that soylent green isn’t made from people, it’s made from soy. Just like it sounds.
  • Phil Schiller will take the stage and announce that he is made of meat.
  • Adobe CEO Bruce Chizen will appear ostensibly for a bake-off with the new CS3 beta, but instead will be fed to some angry possums.
  • Jobs will then announce an application suite that does everything CS3 does and faster. And it’s part of iLife and it only costs $70. And you get a small soda and your choice of soup or salad.
  • The soup is special space soup with magical space powers that turn you into an awesome super-cool astronaut. With chicks.
  • New full-touch-screen video iPod. And a tablet Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob that will cause Jason O’Grady to expire in sheer orgasmic pleasure right on the spot.
  • Of course, the long-rumored Apple perpetual motion machine. That’s a given.
  • Finally Jobs will promise that they’re really going to start working on sexbots this year. Really. They mean it. That’s what the whole “Welcome to 2007” thing was about in the first place.

After looking shocked and starting to say “Where did you get thi…”, Apple declined to comment for this story.

No Responses to “Macworld Keynote To Be Longer Than Normal.”

  1. Magnanimous Wang says:

    First.

    And John Gruber is John Moltz.

  2. Magnanimous Wang says:

    John Moltz, do you hear me???? I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

    Second.

  3. Magnanimous Wang says:

    I’m getting

    Third.

    bored now.

  4. Sheesh, where is everybody?

  5. Doom Pa De Dum says:

  6. Carbonfish says:

    Six… or Seven! Top ten again regardless. Okay, now I can actually go and read John’s fine bit of writing…

    Back in a minute!

  7. John Moltz says:

    Ha! Nice try Doom Pa De Dum. Try five.

  8. John Moltz says:

    Oh, and see if Gruber would have caught THAT!

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Okay, I guess that was reasonably funny and informative and I won’t have to switch over to reading darlingfurball.com or whatever Mr. Moltz’s evil twin’s web thingy is called after all. Boy am I relieved

  10. OMGHAX says:

    As I said, the difference between Moltz and Gruber is one runs a respectable site. And I’m not referring to Gruber.

    I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

  11. Carbonfish says:

    Doom Pa De Dum, was that the Pro 3 font?

  12. Dreil says:

    TWELFTHY!

  13. yonatr0n says:

    No more O’Grady? Sweet!

  14. fatbo says:

    can’t say I’ll miss o’grady. what a douche.

  15. Nxxx says:

    Any chance of the latrine rights?

  16. Dimi-tree says:

    Fifteenth.

    Hey guy’s I’m new here. How do you post a comment?

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    I Can’t Believe It’s Not Funny!™

  18. Huh? says:

    Pfft.
    John lies.

    It’s not angry possums, but rabid badgers.

    Get it right…
    Geeze.

  19. His Steveness says:

    Moltz, you forgot to mention that I will enter the stage riding my little pony™ this time, dressed all in black leather. Your lack of mentioning that makes me sad…

  20. Don of Doom says:

    I was kind of hoping that Chuck Norris would appear on stage and roundhouse kick Bruce Chizen and Jason O’Grady.

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    Y’know, I’ve been waiting for the Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob for months. If El Jobso fails to introduce that, I’ll be depressed. Also it will prove that he is an utter failure as a businessperson, a worthless human being, and a social pariah – probably with halitosis and flaky skin.

    Other products my sources have told me to expect: iContact, iSocket, iOpener, iBalls, iBrow, iGlasses, iLash, iLiner, iPatch, iTooth, and of course the covert personal miniCam, the iWitness.

    If you think this is stupid, consider that I have to be up to get ready for work in two hours.

    Trojans and Ensure in the same grocery cart indicate that you are in the vicinity of an optimist.

    ___
    √-1

  22. alan says:

    Yay!!!! The year of the sexbots has arrived!

  23. Steve G. says:

    Mattingly! And this time I didn’t have to wait for it!

    But, “Soylent green is people! It’s … people …”

    Next, you’ll tell us that there will be only “regular” Sexbots, and no Lesbian Ninja Sexbots. Bastards.

  24. J0n says:

    Hey, John Moltz….

    I got the new issue of MacWorld magazine yesterday, and read your contributions to the “2007 Predictions” article.

    Your inputs came across as flippant (nicely flavored with sarcastic), and contrasted with the straight-faced “predictions” of what’re-their-names.

    Nicely done!

  25. Too all-beef patty says:

    For $3.00 more you will be able to supersize iLife, but I am guessing that all you’ll get is more soda.

  26. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Gee, I thought it was going to include all the oldie rumors:

    Return of the Newton
    Disney will buy Apple
    Apple will switch to Intel processors (oops.)
    Microsoft will buy Apple
    Apple will buy Disney
    Return of the Cube
    Steve Jobs resigns to run for president of the US
    The iTV won’t be announced
    Apple will stop making hardware
    iTMS will raise their prices
    Apple will stop making software
    Apple will revive clones
    The Apple game console
    An Apple television set
    The iTV will be released
    iTMS will be open to other MP3 players

    He’s going to spend 8 hours either announcing these or taunt people who actually believed them.

    Just watch.

  27. spresso says:

    Sexbots!
    Yes!

  28. DimBulb says:

    I’m speechless!

    (29th)

  29. Nit Pick says:

    This is a really small thing… but they should have said “apple declined” not “apple decline.” That is all.

  30. NWJR says:

    You missed the part where Rob Enderle and Paul Thurrott are ponied out on stage for a vote as to who’s the bigger Asshat. John Gruber hosts this exciting portion of the Stevenote.

  31. Manfred, Freiherr von Richthofen says:

    I am having the soup tried mit dem small soda, und es war wunderbar!

    Right now, I am having a Mac Mini installed in my Fokker Triplane, and will probably order them for all my pilots.

    Love,

    Manny

  32. John C. Randolph says:

    Moltz,

    Apple’s not working on a perpetual motion machine. They have the anti-gravity thing, and you can use that for perpetual motion, but it’s far cooler than just being a source of free energy.

    -jcr

  33. Ace Deuce says:

    Rip, please stop with the square-root-of-negative-one signature. It’s messin’ with my mind. Does not compute… Does not compute… Does not compute…

  34. blank says:

    I’m so glad I got out of working a booth at the show this year!

    Soylent Green is made of soy and lentils… and Macworld attendees!

    Spread the word, or the butter.

  35. […] Be sure to read CrazyAppleRumors.com’s predictions for the Macworld Expo. January 4, 2007, 3:49 pm o’clock […]

  36. Soup Nazi says:

    If you do not announze zee zexbot then…. NO ZOUP FOR YOU!!!!!

  37. I’m predicting the first sexbot lwauits. Mostly because Apple hasn’t announced and/or produced them. And space is so cold at night.

  38. comacnut says:

    Do you think Steve’s reality distortion field would trump Chuck Norris?

  39. Sudo Nym says:

    Ace, just use your imagination.

  40. scared monster says:

    Chuck Norris’ nose is bigger.
    Steve Jobs’ thingie’s bigger.
    John Moltz’s car is older.

    Tick the wrong answer.

  41. Rip Ragged says:

    All I’m really worried about at MacWorld is that the iTV will be brown. I couldn’t take that.

    Ace – It’s my iSignature. I think it’s cute. At home we dress it all up in pink, with a little pink hat, pink shoes, and T-shirt that says, iMaginary. Well, except when we’re busy kicking the cats and throwing rocks at the neighbor’s kids.
    ___
    i=√-1

  42. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    Ok, it’s obvious that you just copy-and-paste “your” predictions from macrumors and appleinsider. Why don’t you get your own sources for a change???

  43. John Moltz says:

    Well, it’s either Chuck’s nose or Steve’s thingie because my car is 12 years old.

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