04 Jan 07No New Products to be Announced At Macworld.

In a surprising turn-around from yesterday’s news of a longer keynote, Apple sources are now telling Crazy Apple Rumors Site that no new products will be announced next Tuesday.

Apple will be announcing iLife 2007 and a speed bump for the Mac Pro…

…and that’s it.

Sources say that the time extension is so CEO Steve Jobs can work on some funny accents he’s perfecting.

“OK, OK,” an excited Jobs reportedly said to a frightened intern he cornered recently. “This one’s a Mexican guy…”

“Don’t fire me, please!” the intern squealed, covering his face with his hands, dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position.

“You don’t like Mexican? OK, how about Guatemalan? It’s actually the same accent as far as I know, but it sounds trendier when you say ‘Guatemalan’.”

When reached by phone, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said that recent developments have caused Apple to believe that it has reached a point where it can be content to be “lord of the manor.”

“We’ve decided to just let third parties make most of the hard products from now on,” Schiller said. “Cisco’s already announced the iPhone and now Other World is releasing a Mac tablet, so…

“Right now I’m just rolling in a pile of cash I got for working on the iPod. Can you hear that? That ruffling sound like leaves? That’s cash. This particular pile is mostly hundreds, but you should see the pile at Steve’s house. Some of it’s bearer bonds in really big denominations.

“He’s also got an air hockey table which is just awesome. I’ve gotta get one of those.”

While the company usually declines to comment for these stories, Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren was willing to go on the record as saying that all the iPod money was making it really hard to stay motivated to produce crap for us whining ingrates.

No Responses to “No New Products to be Announced At Macworld.”

  1. Rip Ragged says:

    First as all get out.

  2. Carbonfish says:

    I am so number two or three!

  3. vitamin fortified says:

    First. Finally completed a New Year’s resolution

    Now to read the article

  4. Well, we have to try that resolution thing again in 2008 I guess.

  5. Carbonfish says:

    So, a Mac tablet… is that what I take when I get that pounding headache from the ultra-powerful EM field generated by my brand new iPhone??

  6. John Moltz says:

    I take ’em for cramps.

    Uh…

    Well.

    You know… just when I’m not feeling so fresh.

    Uh…

    Oh, crap, I’m just making this worse.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Did he just call me “Gramps”?? Goddamnit, I’m taking another Mac tablet and going to bed! I’m too old to be treated like this by kids… especially know-it-all “writer” kids!

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    I knew it was going to come to this. Pretty soon they’ll have Steve Jobs up there at MacWorld doing John Wayne and Jimmy Cagney impersonations. All the 20-something dipshit geek-wannabe journos will be sitting there drooling on their MacBooks going, “What the fuck was that?

    Then the estates of Rich friggin’ Little and Frank Gorshin will be suing Apple for stealing their schtick.

    If this gets any worse, I’m going to get rid of the green throw pillows and replace them with something in a mid-tan. Corduroy maybe. Except the green ones look really good with the drapes. Maybe if I move the ottoman closer to the fireplace – oh to hell with it. I’m just going to repaint. I hope you’re satisfied. Boy, am I mad.

    Please don’t play with that at the dinner table.

  9. John Moltz says:

    Is Frank Gorshin dead?

    I went to college with his son and he got thrown out for cheating on a test. I’m not sure what they expected from the son of the Riddler.

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    Yup. Frank’s gone. Last May. Rich Little is still around, though.

    On a more serious note, do you really know where that finger’s been?

  11. Nxxx says:

    It is not a new Apple attitude.

    My monitor does impressions of a non switched on TV, when it is not switched on.

  12. John moltz is john gruber.

  13. John Moltz says:

    That’s so awesome. I wish I had one of those.

  14. OMGHAX says:

    Aw man, now I’m really curious about the update to iLife!

    I do a kickass Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

    I’m detective John Kimble. I’m a cop you idiot!

  15. John Moltz says:

    I’m also Spartacus.

  16. nameless norman says:

    nameless norman says this is my impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s impression of Marie Antoinette…

    “Eat cake, Asshole!”

  17. Huh? says:

    No Rip, we don’t want to know where that finger has been.

    Also if you’re going to clothes on your food like that, at least teach it some proper ettiqutte.

    Does this look a funny color?

  18. Ventzi says:

    I’ve no idea who’s who; nor who’s eating what.

    But I know that Apple MacWorld 2007 Announcement #3 is the best peace of Apple you can find on Amazon.com!

    meow

  19. alan says:

    cake is good….

  20. Too all-beef patty says:

    Jobs is going to introduce a side-kick, a Robin for his Batman, a Costello for his Abbott, a Hardy for his Laurel, a Roy for his Siegfried, a Bell for his Taco. We’ve seen the value of the two-man routine in the “I’m a Mac” commercials and the two will keep the audience rolling in the aisles with vaudeville, dance, juggling, magic tricks, the whole shmeel. This goes on for a couple of hours and then a simple, “Enjoy the rest of the show!” followed by unlimited publicity from the astonished bloggers and readers upon discovery that Enderle was right, and there is no Steveness, only a holographic production prepared by the guys at Pixar. When the real Steve takes the stage on his own, supported only by his comedic timing, all will be revealed.

    My mouth is dry and I can’t reach the buzzer to call the nurse.

  21. […] Crazy Apple Rumors Site (CARS) appears to have the ultimate inside scoop on what to expect during Monday’s keynote. If true, this could dash the hopes of millions of Apple fans around the world. […]

  22. Jeffrey says:

    According to Rob Enderle, Steve Jobs isn’t bipolar–he’s Ronald McDonald.

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    Your reports from inside the Apple “core” help us realise just how crazy Jobs and his cohorts really are.

    If not for you we would be Craaaazyleee! buying up everything these maniacs produce.

    Thanks for keeping us on an even keel. (sailing term) (not that I have a yacht or anything) () (do you have a yacht?)

    Sailing bastard. I hate you.

  24. Ed says:

    You almost said it yourself. Apple will be releasing an Air iHockey table using the left over iMac mice.

  25. Steve G. says:

    Re: #5 and #6

    Will these Mac tablets work for the Lesbian Ninja Sexbots? I mean, that is, if they’ll actually need them or something. Or would they just have to be “rebooted”? If you know what I mean.

    And if you do know what I mean, please tell me, because I kind of forgot along the way…

  26. NOOOOOOOOOO! says:

    I see this rumor site is being used by stock anal-ysts. As we speak, the shares are dropping pennies.

    Never underestimate the power of the press!

  27. Too all-beef patty says:

    Jeffrey’s on to something: there should be clowns, not Enderle and Thurott, but real white-faced, red-nosed, permanently smiling or frowning, baggy pants, big shoes, suspenders, squirting flowers, tiny dogs with enormous lace collars, thirty or more leaping from a Volkswagen, running through the aisles, dragging people on stage, and eventually one of them pulls off his halo of extended white hair, wipes a wet towel across his grease paint and reveals Michael Dell.

    We we’re talking about the CES, right?

  28. Too all-beef patty says:

    Can someone (preferably Ace) remove my apostrophe. Thanks.

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    My apostrophe tongs aren’t working. That infomercial was misleading: I was a chump to buy apostrophe tongs without a test drive.

  30. Whining Ingrate says:

    Where’s the crap you promised? You said there’d be lots of new crap!

  31. comacnut says:

    What a farce, you expect us to believe that Schiller doesn’t have an air hockey table of his own. I’m starting to think the the Schiller portion of this story is fabricated.

  32. Too all-beef patty says:

    AD: If your tongs have failed (and tongs will do that, won’t they?) a pair of needle-nose pliers will work in a pinch. Come to think of it, they always do. I once got an asterisk lodged right next to my caret and boy did THAT hurt. Tied a string to it and a concrete block to the other end, let it drop down a man-hole and it popped right out. Can’t say much for the other guy though.

  33. Guatemalan Day Laborers says:

    We do not sound like Mexicans. You would know this if you watched Mind of Mencia.

    (Pink Ché, green goes.)

  34. greenacres says:

    I wonder if Jobs screams when Phil hits his fingers with the air hockey puck….

    Oh, and “It’s not a tumor” – Arnold imitation

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    I regret that I have but one * for my country, but boy does my |; hurt.

    By the way, don’t use those tongs. At least not until you sterilize them. Those are my |; tongs.

    And Guatemalans do not sound like Mexicans. A lot of Hondurans and Nicaraguans pretend to be Cubans, though.

    No, not like that. You’ll break it.

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