05 Jan 07Macworld Predictions!

Here we go kiddies! Just four days to the extra-long big show!

And a Macworld wouldn’t be a Macworld without all kinds of wild and inaccurate speculation about what Apple’s going to announce.

But you won’t get that here. All of our speculation has been carefully checked using the least squares derivative model and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers Lybrand and…

Well, there are like forty more names.

So you know it’s got to be good.

Let’s roll! The Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff predictions for Macworld 2007!


Staff Writer Chet MacGruder:

Well, an iLife update for sure. And then the 8-core Mac Pros. That seems kind of obvious. Uh, new touch-screen video iPods. No surprise there. Apple phone. Of course. Lightweight 12-inch MacBook. Dur-hey. Oookay. What else? Oh. Tablet. Everyone knows about that one.

What?

Oh.

I’m just supposed to give one?


Web designer Masako Yamamoto:

A game. Just one kick-ass, Mac-only game. That’s all I ask. Is that asking to much? No. I don’t think so.

I… I have a lot of Bungie-related anger.


Photographer Howard the talking dog:

Well, personally, I just like something to scratch my butt on. Like the top part of my butt. The part I can’t reach. If Apple wants to be in every living room, it might make them more pleasant places to be if people don’t have to look at me scratching my ass up against the ottoman.


Contributing reporter Ugluk:

Fire.

Me know that been around for long time, but talk about technology that need be more user-friendly.

Am me right or am me right?


Columnist Thor Samson:

Oh, well, I actually already know what they’re going to announce but… I’m NDA-ed.

Sorry.

Uhh…

Oh, hell. It’s a [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF APPLE LEGAL].

Happy?


Financier the Entity:

Cold fusion.


Editor-In-Chief John Moltz:

I’m going to go out on a limb and say killer robots.

That probably doesn’t seem that different than sexbots, but it’s pretty clear they’re not going to deliver on that so…

Killer robots.

Ooh… wait a minute…

Evil goats…

Oh, great, now I can’t decide.


Well, that’s it! Are we right? We’ll find out next week!

And we’ll see you there!

Really!

No, really, I mean it this time.

Seriously.

No Responses to “Macworld Predictions!”

  1. Too all-beef patty says:

    Chocolate iPods. Yes. Edible, high-quality chocolate stamped into actual size nano shapes. Someone’s got to take this seriously. Everyone would buy one. Okay, almost everyone. First batch: 250,000,000. Sell ’em at the Apple retail outlets.

    (Sorry, I have no forum for my serious suggestions and this just burst out. I even got some specks on the screen. That’ll cost me.)

  2. Rip Ragged says:

    Chocolate is so overdone. Everybody has done chocolate. How about cheese iPods. Think of the possibilities. Monterey Jack (preloaded with Keith Jarrett), limburger (country & western), or string cheese (chamber music).

  3. scared monster says:

    Where’s my cola ? Someone took my Cola ? I warn you, I spit into it !

    Chocolate iPod=Brown Zune, until you taste it.

    Monterey Jack seems hardly like cheese…Maybe the fact I’m french has a slight influence on my opinion…
    String cheese doesn’t even look like comestible…

  4. Too all-beef patty says:

    We may have stumbled onto Microsoft’s next move: pre-loading the Zune with condiments. Gives a whole new possibility to “pass the salt, please”.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Someone slipped this under my door: Jobs will announce that Apple is moving into unchartered territory — breast implants. There will be the Nano (which I don’t think will be very popular), the 30G (whatever that means), the true video (something worth watching) and the Shuffle, which is great for jogging.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    My bologna has a first name…

  5. OMGHAX says:

    What I would like is an iPod with a larger battery life. Like instead of these wimpy Li-Ion cells or whatever, I would like a fast breeder reactor. Or a tokamak fusion reactor. Or maybe even an antiproton anhilliator.

  6. Rip Ragged says:

    1/7/07 Cupertino —

    Apple will announce that the iPod/Phone/GPS/PDA/Meat Slicer/Squeegee will also have a built in video camera, and a nose-hair trimmer.

    The new color: An Interesting Mauve

  7. Ricky Bobby says:

    Ethanol FIRE! Ethanol FIRE!

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    An antiproton spell check anhilliator! Save yourselves. I’ll protect the |;.

  9. Rip Ragged says:

    Forbes is reporting that….

    Get this…

    Big news…

    Apple is expected to introduce a new product.

    An Apple spokesman named Al said, “We do not comment on incidents and accidents, hints and allegations, Betty.”

  10. Too all-beef patty says:

    Al has since asked Betty to join him for dinner Monday night where he plans to seduce her with tales of Apple products that were planned but never reached production. Such as

    1. musical pasta
    2. heated cumberbunds
    3. cellular phones for tropical fish
    4. super thin displays that you can wear to bed
    5. dictionaries with cruise control
    6. blended ham & cheese in a jar
    7. desk lamps with built-in memory that recall their state prior to being turned off.

    I don’t personally know Al, but this can’t but help his case.

  11. Rip Ragged says:

    That’s our Al – always ducking back down the alley with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    Anhilliator? What’s that? Is that something like a paper machete?

  13. Well, if Al is going to be ducking down back alley, I hope he has some condiments in his wallet. And what type of themed iPod do you use for back-alley romps.

    Ever since I saw a butterfly eating the entrails of a swallow, I been afraid of school plays

  14. Nxxx says:

    Rip,
    You’re wrong.
    Vegan Steve with a meat slicer?
    Only for maintaining order in Apple.

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    That can only mean one thing. There is a coup afoot. Either that or I have to admit an error. Let me check. Nope. It must be a coup.

    Look for there to be overturned chairs and unfinished lattes at Moscone. I’m serious. Dang. These catsuits really creep up on you.

  16. Too all-beef patty says:

    I’m at a loss. Or shortly to arrive at one because there was a sign earlier that said “Loss Ahead, 2 miles.”

    Rats, it’s time to fill the washing machine again.

  17. vitamin fortified says:

    All beef patty, you are at a standstill. Loss is the next exit up. It is not far though. I made the same mistake when I was going to nowhere in particular. Should visit sometime, they have great pancakes at the local diner.

    No, you cannot borrow my monkey for the week

  18. Too all-beef patty says:

    A struggling journalist outside Moscone, hoping for big news:
    “I need a photo opportunity, I need a shot at redemption.”

  19. Steve G. says:

    Re #25:

    Sexbot twins (triplets)! Why didn’t anybody think of that sooner! It’s … what’s the word … oh, yeah: brilliant!

    Happy Keynote everyone!

  20. Too all-beef patty says:

    Vit fort: Thanks anyway. Made a rental deal with option to buy at Simians R Us. Need it for the Great American Feces Toss starting Tuesday in San Francisco. See you there.

  21. DimBulb says:

    Ugluk was close.

    It’s going to be iFire!

    (An even 70)

  22. Del says:

    DimBulb,

    You must be new here. The product is called the iFlame. It was originally tested in the CARS comments. Most Giga-Posters and Mega-Posters have at least one Rev. laying around. I believe they moved out of Alpha into Beta about a year ago. We actually had expected the finished product to be announced as a true Zune killer, but there were a few bugs (giant moths to be exact) that needed to be worked out.

  23. Nxxx says:

    Del,
    You promised never to mention Captain Bigglesworth ever again.

  24. Del says:

    I didn’t mention the Captain, I just mentioned the moths.

    🙂

  25. Slowpoke says:

    im guessing that steve jobs is going to announce a load of cool shit that will cement Apples future prosperity and guarantee them the throne of the universe. And then he’s going to retire, on stage.

    you never know, that’s all I’m saying.

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Ugluk wanted user-friendly. I’m not sure the iFlame is ready for the masses. I’m on my last pair of eyebrows.

    Although the marketing would be simple: It burns!

  27. Spell Czech impersonator says:

    I know for a fact that Masako said “Is that asking too much?”

  28. Del says:

    Ace,

    You just have to remember to point the flamey end away from you.

    And not have it turned up to high, or be standing to close to what you are flaming, and not wear polyester while using the iFlame. It’s all in the 10 page disclaimer that comes with the iFlame. What could be easier?

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    I missed the Mega- and the Giga-post. Alas, I do not have an iFlame. Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard.

    Get these mutts away from me. I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore.

    If you’re at a loss again, do you break even?

  30. Ilya says:

    How is this for a crazy prediction:

    A NEW ERA OF COMPUTING (INTERFACES)

    Remember that awesome YouTube video of a multi-touch screen being used to control a few neat applications? If not, think of something like the touchscreen-ipod. No more keyboard. No more mouse.

    A new different os designed from the ground up for touch screen. OS XI. Software and hadware many years in top secret development. “30 Years Were Just The Beginning. Welcome to 2007.” And for the full package lets throw in a fully capable speach recognition as the means of controlling the iLive remotely. (Perhaps, even the much rumored touchscreen-ipod was purposefully delayed for tomorrow. ;))

    Now that would be CRAA-AAZY RUMOR!

  31. Rip Ragged says:

    I just know it’s not going to live up to all the hype.

    Oh, bother.

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Well, it’s Keynote Eve.

    Does anyone want to lead us in a Keynote Carol?

    Oh Little Town of Cupertino?

    It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Leopard?

    Steven Jobs is Coming to Town?

    I’m all ready to open Keynote presents. I got tomorrow off so I can watch it. I’m such a sleazeball sometimes. I will be NOT updating my blog regularly. All day. Be sure to check in regularly to find out I haven’t written a word since last night.

    Later, when it’s over and I’m laying back with a cigarette and a satisfied smile, I’ll write something really useless and stupid.

  33. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    *poke*

  34. OMGHAX says:

    Oh my god! I’m 84th!

  35. Joe #2 says:

    Evil Goats™!

    See what happens when I don’t read my bookmarks for a week? I miss an Evil Goat™ reference.

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