11 Jan 07Two Macworld facts

As the remainder of the presentations for the week appear to be by people whose names do not rhyme with “sleeve snobs”, we have scurried back to the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters to detox and get some rest.

You know it was a big couple of days when you can truthfully utter the words “I saw Cheap Trick.” And you know it was a bigger couple of days when you can’t say the words “I saw Cheap Trick” because there’s some girl’s panties that she put in your mouth with her phone number written on them.

That didn’t happen to me, of course, it was Thor, but it was pretty cool just to see it happen.

Uh, you know, actually, it also happened to Ugluk if I remember correctly.

And Howard.

Hmm.

Oh, and Masako.

Huh.

Well, Peter Cohen did grab my ass.

So, you know, the trip wasn’t a complete loss.

Oh, and there was something about a phone, I seem to remember…

But getting back to Cheap Trick, I have to thank Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit for getting us in to MacBlast. We had some other offers of help but they were the ones who came through in the end.

That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.

Wow.

At least that’s what it says on the back of the tickets. I really should have read that before agreeing to take them. Those guys are crazy with the EULAs.

Also, since they were so nice to us, I’d like to personally apologize for something juvenile I once wrote about Roz Ho.

I’m terribly sorry.

Really.

It was just a cheap shot (but not a Cheap Trick, because they rock!) and, Roz, you should know that it’s not about you, it’s about me. It was – like this entire site and my highly publicized relationship with Jessica Simpson – a desperate cry for attention. So, please accept my humblest apologies.

But…

Well, you know, in fairness to me, you probably heard it all through high school anyway.

Unless that’s your married name.

I wonder if anyone in the MacBU calls her R-Ho?

Anyway, let’s talk about the phone. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of whiny-assed crap from a bunch of pathetic losers who are bitching and moaning about piddly little things like “Boo-hoo-hoo, it’s too expensive!” or “Ooooh, it’s Cingular only!” or “Whaaa, it’s GSM and not CDMA!

So, let me talk directly to these miserable excuses for Apple fans. The rest of you can tune out for a bit.

Hey.

HEY.

HEY!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Did you see Steve at the end of the keynote?! He was practically crying!

Listen, let me say this and I’m going to try to be as clear as I possibly can because you’re obviously fricking stupid.

The people at Apple don’t make these awesome products to make money. They make them because they love you.

I know some people (like my mother) don’t like it when I use this word, but if there’s ever an appropriate use of it it’s right here and right now to you numb nuts.

Shut the fuck up.

That’s right.

Shut.

The.

Fuck.

Up.

If you don’t want to buy the glorious technological marvel that Steve hath delivered unto us as Prometheus of old, that’s your prerogative. You’re an idiot, but it’s your prerogative.

But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and hear you sully this man’s life work.

Even if it is his third life work.

So…

I hope I’ve made my point.

Don’t make me travel the globe so I can smack each and every one of you.

Uh, anyway, we had a good time.

That’s all I wanted to say.

  1. In my quest to touch as many Apple executives as possible, I actually did manage to touch senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson, but he was the only one. He was talking to someone and I walked up and touched him on the arm and walked away. He seemed confused. I have no idea why.
  2. Peter Cohen really did grab my ass. Apparently the social rules that apply at Macworld are similar to those in prison.

No Responses to “Two Macworld facts”

  1. gdw says:

    I knew it. Apple is creating a secret prison of Mac users, and using MW as a starting point!

    Actually, I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m just hoping my post has more substance than something like “Second!”.

  2. gdw says:

    Or, ya know, “First.” That works too.

  3. Redeyebase says:

    well, since you didn’t say second, i will. SECOND

  4. Redeyebase says:

    ok, fourth.

  5. Loose Leaf says:

    All in favor…

  6. Carbonfish says:

    Aye… What did I just “aye” to? Seventh!

  7. Carbonfish says:

    John,

    Please refrain from using the tiny font size. Those of us who have attained respectability through our persistent existence (formerly referred to on these pages as “Geezers”) can’t read the tiny print without slamming on our + buttons about eighty times.

    Thanks.

  8. OMGHAX says:

    You should have tapped him on the shoulder and then walked away totally innocent-like, and he woulda been like, “Gosh jeepers, is Moscone West haunted with the ghost of Macworlds past? Or is it just Gil Amelio?”

  9. Open Source cheaper iPhone?

    http://www.openmoko.com/press/index.html

    Oh and it allows 3rd party Apps unlike the Apple iPhone.

    Oh yeah baby, yeah!

  10. Now when Cohen grabbed your ass, did you feel violated like a picked-too-soon delicate flower or just warm and tingly all over like a mild electric shock?

  11. Nxxx says:

    Moltz are you suggesting Guantanamo, or however you spell it, is an Apple Inc. product?

  12. Sir Macallot says:

    Assgrabbing at MW?

    CEWL!! :oP

  13. The Highly Esteemed Yoyo says:

    Nothing to see here, move along.

  14. jimothy says:

    Let’s set some ground rules here, okay? If your last name is Johnson, you simply don’t, under any circumstances, name your son Rod, Richard, or Peter. You just don’t do it, god dammit!

  15. J0n says:

    The title of this post (“Two Macworld facts”) concerns me.

    The posting of “facts” on the CARS website is, I believe, a violation of nature.

    Please refrain from such behavior in the future.

  16. too all-beef patty says:

    Just woke up, am I first?

  17. Rip Ragged says:

    Facts are odd things. I prefer to avoid them. Ass-grabbing facts, though, are a slightly different beast.

    I prefer to fantasize about Carmen Electra – dribbling melted pasteurized process American cheese into her cleavage – grabbing my ass with one hand while she stuffs a burrito into her face with the other one.

    Ubuntu.

  18. Major Flatus says:

    If someone grabbed my ass (and I’m not saying they did). they’d have their hands full.

  19. Biff Whammy says:

    The OB/GYN who delivered my sister was named Dick Johnson. Really.

  20. NWJR says:

    I’ve resorted to grabbing my own ass.

  21. John Moltz says:

    My parents have a friend named Dick Sores. Really.

  22. Ijit says:

    A friend of mine came across someone named “Candy Sugarbottom” while working for some company that sorted personal data for other companies. We where joking about the poor girl requiring platemail during school, when it suddenly occurred to me, that we didn’t actually know the sex of this individual… which just makes it so much worse, a guy, named candy sugarbottom…

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