12 Jan 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Rip Ragged says:

    That should be “the stack of Lite beer cans that was playing Brian Urlacher.” We killed it. Twice.

  2. Psyko says:

    Crimany people. You should be ashamed of yourselves with all this evil sport talk going on.

    Cut it out!


  3. Streetrabbit says:

    I will demand the correct spelling of ad nauseam ad nauseam. (I’m looking at you Rip Raggedy pants.)

  4. Rip Ragged says:

    ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam I think I’m going to puke ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam ad nauseam.


    I thought I was the resident pedant.

  5. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay. I’ve been to The Peeled Apple. I must apologize. Over at my blog, I have completely failed to denigrate cricket (and tennis) along with idiotic American sports.

    You can tell when you’re at a good restaurant in my neighborhood. They unscrew the cap of the wine bottle at the table.

  6. Nxxx says:

    It could be worse, in fact it will be worse.
    Europe is making you a present of the Beckhams.

  7. Steve G. says:

    Re: #21
    >> Any chance of getting some Bi-Sexual Cheerleader ninja porn star sex bots?

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    Re: #57

    Any chance of getting a refill on my coffee?

    I believe in starting with small goals.

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Re: #55. Well at least some us are concerned with sport other than American Football. For instance, if you were to enter “Badminton” in the “Search Blog” box over on the Carbonfish blog…

    Oh that’s right! I think I promised no more shameless self promotion…

    Never mind.

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    No more shameless self-promotion?

    Good plan. From now on, I’m going to stick to only shameful self-promotion. In fact, since I seem to be good at it I think I’ll stay with disgusting, shameful, obscene, screaming, chest-thumping self-promotion.

    Kinda like Chad Johnson celebrating a touchdown, only without all the contrived humility.


  11. Huh? says:

    Good for you Rip! We’ll even act we’re paying attention!
    Just don’t pull a Charger(s)…

    Who’s Chad?


  12. Nxxx says:

    Where are the lazy buggers. We are charged £200 a month for CARS, and he is late again.
    Moltz, we will be coming to get our money back soon.

  13. Steve G. says:

    Re: my bad on #57 (Or, damn those non-escaped angle brackets! That’s what I get for posting from work, like I am now.)

    It should have read something like:

    Sexbots come in a standard model (double-entendre notwithstanding). There are available options for Ninja, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Gay, Porn Star, Cheerleader, Nurse/Doctor, Cowboy/Cowgirl, etc. (I would have used “ad nauseam” but I think this post has reached its quota.)

    I’m not sure if porting the MultiTouch interface from the iPhone to the Sexbots would be a good idea or not. The lazy among us might prefer a OneTouch.

    But that brings to mind a question: If you give the iPhone The Finger, does it crash?

  14. DimBulb says:

    We need a new post, Moltz; this is getting nauseating.

    [repeat ad nauseam]

  15. Stitch says:

    What ever happened to Security Biatch watch anyway?

    I just read Maynor wants to get his grubby lil paws on an iPhone. Everytime I read about him, the company he works for seems to change… hmm…

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    I always get worried when John gets all quiet like this. The new Ninja SexBot Quarterly came in the mail today, and the bathroom door is locked.

    He just gets uncommunicative.

    Don’t touch the blue ones. They bite.

  17. Posto Meestar Moltz, Postoooooh!

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