Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.