24 Jan 07Macworld Only Now Ending For Some.

Sources close to Cingular CEO Stan Sigman indicate the 62-year-old executive has just now finished his Macworld keynote speech.

Despite leaving the stage after delivering his clumsy summation of the comments already delivered by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, platitudes about how great Cingular is and veiled FU’s to other cell companies, Sigman was apparently only getting rolling. He has been continuing to deliver his speech ever since.

“We went out to lunch after the keynote,” said Apple marketing executive Stan Ng. “and he just kept shuffling through those same cards. Sitting there in Sushi Ran in that dorky Cingular blazer. It was like he was stuck in a loop.”

Indeed, several Macworld attendees say that they heard Sigman as he was ushered off the Moscone Center stage still monotonically saying “At AT&T, we respect the synergy and the effluvents with which it was founded and with Apple as a partner and AT&T, which Cingular, the greatest company ever, with Apple, the partner, and the iPhone, the great kind of products that this company, Apple, AT&T, the partners…”

Cingular sources at the company headquarters say Sigman finally wore through his cards early this afternoon.

“He just sat there, like he had no idea what to do,” said Cingular chief operating officer Ralph de la Vega. “He tried to piece the cards back together but they were just shreds.

“He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it.”

Apple sources said that steps were being taken to more carefully vet the guest speeches to be delivered for unbelievable boredom and pointless redundancy.

40 Responses to “Macworld Only Now Ending For Some.”

  1. Magnanimous Wang says:

    First!

  2. Magnanimous Wang says:

    This first post brought to you by
    The Foundation to Prove that John Moltz Is John Gruber

  3. moksha says:

    Shit. Second and third. I was so shocked that I was first that my iMac exploded and I had to run down to my other computer.

  4. Magnanimous Wang says:

    More like second and fourth… sucka!

  5. John Moltz says:

    Well, if I’m John Gruber then who is he?

  6. His Steveness says:

    Like alway, there is essential information missing, Moltz: “He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it, riding a black iPony…”

  7. 2000guitars says:

    Would that be…One Infinite Loop?

  8. MasonK says:

    That poor squirrel…

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    9….hhmm….please someone be posting at the same time as me and make me 11.

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    Drat….didn’t work.

  11. Huh? says:

    My Pants™ inform me that Stan did endeed catch up to the squirrel.
    The squirrel promptly kicked his ass.

    Could you pass the mustard? It’s getting a bit drafty over here.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Must’ve been a red squirrel then. Those are nasty fuckers.

    Not like the grey. Lovely squirrel the grey.

  13. NWJR says:

    I was thinking of camping out next year so I could be the last one to leave.

  14. Joe #2 says:

    You know, a squirrel can be quite vicious when cornered.

  15. Del says:

    There is a video on YouTube of a Squirrel attacking a deer that tried to eat from the Squirrel’s feeder. The quality isn’t that great but I giggle every time I see that Squirrel launch himself at the deer.

  16. DimBulb says:

    Squirrels are often quite aggressive on college campuses, where they accost passing students, demanding handouts.

  17. OMGHAX says:

    Tiens, les écureuils. Quel dommage!

    Squirrels know kung fu and they will show you.

  18. Lurker says:

    Squirrel on a stick. Them’s good eat’n!

  19. John Moltz says:

    Years ago there was this awesome British special that came to PBS where they set up these elaborate obstacle courses and got wild squirrels to run through them – opening doors and jumping towers – to get, like, a peanut.

  20. blank says:

    Yeah, they’re pretty dumb. It would take some serious cash to get me to do that sort of thing. Triple, if I have to wear a squirrel outfit.

  21. Squished Squirrel says:

    Fortunately I was NOT the squirrel that Stan’s attention diverted to. I don’t think I could deal with Mr. Monotone.

    I am, however, a little annoyed at all the sterotyping going on here. I feel like the caveman in the Geico commercials. We are quite evolved.

    I have never attacked any deer. I have not accosted anyone on campus… although I’m not averse to that. I am not vicious when cornered, and my Red breatheren are more like Sammy/Hammy from Over the Hedge. A little hyper, but good folk.

    So, lets take it easy on the squirrels… now… could anyone help me find my nuts?

  22. Squished Squirrel says:

    I may not have attacked any deer, but as for that redneck dumb buck stealin’food from my cousin’s feeder… you’re damn skippy he went all K-9 on him.

    That fat fuck had been stealin’ food from his crib all winter long. We may be evovled, but we don’t take no crap from those prancy pricks.

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    Pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy, pointless redundancy.

    Where is the invisible evil boy’s choir when we really need them?

  24. Nxxx says:

    John,
    Posting twice in one day means that we, your workers are entitled to overtime payments. Arrange a meeting within two days please and despatch a return business class ticket or we will consider withdrawing our labour.

  25. pauldwaite says:

    Fine, but what about the attendees that actually bothered listening to what he was saying?

    WILL THEY EVER WAKE UP?!?

  26. Dr. Who says:

    Doesn’t it make you cringe when you realize that 99% of all companies are run by the Sigman clones, while the remaining MAY be Jobsian like visionaries…like CARS for instance?
    Like decades ago there was Big Bad Ma Bell (AT&T), which was broken up into little pieces to enhance competition, and now like magnetic particles, are coming back together as ….AT&T…..only with worse leadership…let alone lousy service. Cingular means “middle digit” in most non-earth languages.
    Time to take the Tardis and hide out for a while.

  27. Spam says:

    Magnetic particles? I’m thinking more like T-1000 terminator made of liquid metal and how all those droplets come back together.

    Yeah, that’s a better metaphor.

    Or is that a simile?

    Hmmmmm…..

  28. MacBook amateur says:

    I haven’t watched the keynote video yet and now you’ve ruined it for me. I was so looking forward to Mr. Sigman’s keynote address. I guess I won’t watch it now. Thanks a lot.

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    Is it just me or has this discussion wandered off-topic? And if it hasn’t, why is it not wandering off-topic. All the other ones always seem to. Or maybe that was just me. Maybe it’s always just me. Or maybe I’m not really here at all. Is anyone here? Or are we all just a figment of some twisted imagination? And why did my digital camera quit working?

    Creamed chipped beef on a bed of crumbled oreos, anyone?

  30. disgruntled cynic says:

    Not quite, Carbonfish.

  31. *drying the eyes*

    “He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it.”

    Omg, thank you.

  32. […] Ohhhh shit. This is hilarious! I don’t know why I don’t read Crazy Apple Rumors more often. […]

  33. RobertoSucco says:

    Do you think this will make my Cingular stocks rise? 🙂 http://iam.always.online.fr/tr.php?wordid=479

  34. Nuts says:

    Man, he moves well for a big man in a suit. Go furry!

  35. […] Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech. […]

  36. digginestdogg says:

    Perhaps that “squirrel” was really “Squirrel Boy” of FSJ fame? Maybe Stan was following the scent of the rumored Google Phone and wanted to talk synergy. Or perhaps just find some buried nuts.

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