25 Jan 07iPhone Has Muliple Uses.

Followers of Apple already know that the iPhone will, in the words of Steve Jobs, allow you to “touch” your music and your contacts.

But entrepreneurs in the adult entertainment industry have realized that Apple’s new device will also allow you to touch something else: your porn.

“Apple has created an all-new and exciting means of interacting with your porn,” said adult content producer Max Stuph. “For years we’ve only dreamed of being able to produce top-quality hardcore that users could actually pinch and spread, and now, thanks to Apple, that dream has become reality.”

Stuph indicated that his firm, Big Stuph Inc., is working on an interactive system that provides real-time feedback based on the user’s gestures on the iPhone’s multi-touch display.

Stuph said the feedback is not limited to but could consist of any of the following:

  • Movement of various body parts.
  • Enlargement of various body parts.
  • Moaning.
  • Cries of such things as “Ooh, you’re nasty!” or “Ooh, I’m nasty!” or “Ooh, the starting line-up of the Sacramento Kings is nasty!
  • The sudden presence of fluids.

Asked if he was concerned about Apple’s statements that third party developer applications would be required to be closely vetted by Apple, Stuph shook his head.

“We feel confident that we can work with Apple to get our software certified on their hardware. The process for which I know little about, but I imagine will be really hot.

“I think we’ve got a lot to offer the people at Apple who would be making those kinds of decisions, you know? I think we have a lot to bring to the party. I think the people at Apple will enjoy working with us.

“What I mean is, I know a lot of women who will have sex with people for money. Just in case I’m being too obtuse.”

Stuph went on to say that while he was sure that Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller and Jonathan Ive “do OK”, he thought “that Donald Rosenberg probably needs to get laid.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but was showing some interest in Stuph’s proposal.

If you know what I mean.

35 Responses to “iPhone Has Muliple Uses.”

  1. moksha says:

    FIRST! article time.

  2. moksha says:

    OH MY GOD! I DID IT!
    I ACTUALLY MADE FIRST!

  3. Huh? says:

    I have no idea what you mean.
    My Pants™ do, but they won’t tell me.

    This fish is good and all, but the rash is a bit disconcerting…

  4. moksha says:

    Oh man, I even got first on a funny story. Talk about luck. Next person gets second, since I’m kind.

    I think you forgot tickling. Tickling is a fundamental aspect of touch-screen sex. Hey Steve, I’ve got my own stylus right here, and I don’t think I’m going to lose it… 😉

  5. moksha says:

    Are you sure Phil Schiller does okay? Those Hawaiian shirts… ungh.

  6. Carbonfish says:

    I give up… I’m not even going to try for the top ten anymore. The thrill is gone.

    Nice entry though John. Sex sells. Unless you sell sex, then sex pays.

  7. moksha says:

    Carbonfish: Maybe you’d try harder if you had to go through one of these interactive porn thingies on your iPhone to comment.

    CARS Staff: Would it have a high score list for various activities?

  8. OMGHAX says:

    What has this depraved world come to!?

    I mean, iPods with the complete Yanni collection preloaded on them? Give me a break!

  9. Carbonfish says:

    moksha Says:
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    “Carbonfish: Maybe you’d try harder if you had to go through one of these interactive porn thingies on your iPhone to comment.”

    Yeah maybe. But if I had to go through one of those pr0n thingies, my typing stutter would come back and I’d never get the comment finished. *shrugs*

  10. Squished Squirrel says:

    Funny thing that of the 3 prototypes that Enderle showed in his “death to iPhone” article (see Grubers page) the first one looks like an oversized butterfly vibrator, and the last looks like a maxipad. Just how long has the porn industry been in bed with phone companies?

    The iPhone is a wonderful first step, however, the product the porn industry is really waiting for is a combination of the iPhone UI with the folding/tenting screen of the phillips prototypes. Until your phone can conform to the task at hand, it will only be “digit-al” stimulation.

    The sudden appearance of fluids is a problem though. I think the zune already has a patent on that feature.

  11. Rip Ragged says:

    Huh. I guess I have to hit the button before I nod off next time.

    Yeah. You can watch porn on an iPhone. But if you want to squirt, you need a Zune.

    Pass the lemon m&m sauce, please.

  12. vitamin fortified says:

    Now there are already vibrators that work with iPods. So does that mean that with the iPhone and its conference abilities, phone sex truly becomes interactive? How much would that cost. Would Cingular throw in Trojans with each 2-year contract. Maybe Stuph already got to Cingular already (if you know what Huh? Pants mean) since it is rumored new subscribers get 18 months free.
    And with all that pinching and squeezing, would that leave marks?
    So many questions, so little KY

    I am ok, I will just stand here next to the giraffe.

  13. Nxxx says:

    Oi Moltz,
    What you on? Whatever it is, can we have some?
    All these postings, unless it’s piece rate or threatening your reporters with the boot.
    Slow up man. Soon we’ll have to sit by the ‘puter 24 hours a day to get first post.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    With all the multiple uses, Apple could boast, “With the iPhone, we’ve just scratched the surface.”

    Get ready for another round of lawsuits.

  15. Nerd says:

    What’s a muliple.

  16. spresso says:

    So I AM getting my sexbots after all.
    Yowser!

  17. DimBulb says:

    Speaking of fluids, they are now squirting concrete! Next door, I mean. You know, the parking ramp erection.

    No wonder I never get any work done.

  18. vitamin fortified says:

    I think a muliple is when you have those stats with decimal points like 2.3 kids, 3.2 machetes or 3.4 iPods per household.
    Or it a nice euphemisim for Jennifer Freaking Connolly.

    Once you removed the hairs, the legs don’t taste so bad

  19. Steve G. says:

    Blackjack!

    Re #15: The iPhone may support the phone sex conference, but Cingular might not. Don’t you hate it when you know there’s a wonderful feature built into the device, but the damned provider won’t let you access it?

    Or, you can move to Europe or Asia to get an unlocked iPhone and full access, if you know what I mean.

    That damned #57 bus is late again! It’s too cold for this!

  20. Steve G. says:

    Damn, too slow for blackjack. But I did get Mattingly!

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    A parking ramp erection? Tell those kids to put on coats or get in the house. For crying out loud. Don’t they know it’s cold out there? They’ll catch their deaths of damn foolishness.

    If you haven’t tried marmalade on cold pizza, you haven’t lived.

  22. Stitch says:

    muliple????

  23. blank says:

    Poor Max. He obviously doesn’t know about Apple’s long-running sexbot project. I don’t think he really has anything to offer that the folks at Apple don’t already have.

    If you know what I mean.

  24. NWJR says:

    Does the screen still work if it gets sticky?

    26th! Woo hoo!

  25. Squished Squirrel says:

    What’s a Muliple? Its a MIPSpelling, of course.

    Oww, Oww, don’t break my ARM!

  26. Chris says:

    Just catching up with the week’s posts. A great week for CARS, IMHO.

  27. Nerd says:

    Who is a muliple.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    First post with the word “geotropism.”

  29. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    Is the iPhone the rumored SexBot ??? Is it really four in one … not three in one?

    Widescreen iPod … Revelutionary Phone … Breakthrough Internet Device … Sexbot … Widescreen iPod … Revelutionary Phone … Breakthrough Internet Device … Sexbot … Widescreen iPod … Revelutionary Phone … Breakthrough Internet Device … Sexbot …

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    Last.

    Yes, I still accept Master Card.

  31. Nerd says:

    You Lose, Rip.

  32. Spellman says:

    “iPhone Has Muliple Uses.”

    Is one of them spell check?

    Just askin…

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