Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today we take pity on our Windows-using friends and provide some much-needed technical support in advance of the Windows Vista Mega-Cool Super-Awesome Launch 2006!
Uh, I mean 2007!
Was… really supposed to have been, like, 2004, but…
Q: I’m really confused about the different versions of Vista and I’m hoping you can tell me which one to install.
A: Well, I’d recommend Vista Home Premium. It has the see-through windows and pretty much all the consumer-level benefits of the operating system.
Q: Huh. Well, I like computers, but I don’t really consider myself a “premium” kind of guy. I just want a little Windows, you know?
A: Oh. Sure. Then how about Windows Vista Home Basic? it doesn’t have the see-through windows, but it has most everything else.
Q: Hmm. I don’t know. I live in an unfurnished apartment. I think “Home” is kind of a stretch.
A: Oh. Well, OK, maybe you should look at Vista Starter. You can only run three applications at a time and it’s limited to 256 MB of RAM.
Q: Three applications?! Jeez, who am I? Merlin Mann? All switching between applications and being all productive?
A: Uh, well, no, because Merlin’s a Mac user.
A: Look, maybe you should just get Windows Vista for Dummies.
Q: Ooh! That sounds good!
A: Oh, it’s not. Limited to 32 MB of RAM, one application and you get an electric shock every five minutes to remind you to reconfirm your license.
Q: Awesome! Man, Microsoft is so innovative!
A: It is… something… alright…
Q: I’ve been thinking about getting Vista, but I’m really concerned about this catch-phrase they’re using: “Show us your ‘Wow’.”
A: Why does that bother you? Other than that it’s really stupid?
Q: Well, it’s apparently in the EULA. If you install Vista, you have to show Microsoft your “Wow.”
A: Really? That seems wrong.
Q: I know. I mean, I don’t even know what it means and already I don’t want to do it. I’m really hoping it’s not anything like showing them my “Oh!” face.
A: Ugh. Me, too, because the first “Show us your ‘Wow'” page is Bill Gates’.
Q: My problem with upgrading to Vista is less technical and more existential.
A: Oh. OK, lay it on me.
Q: OK. See, I know I’m supposed to want to upgrade to Vista, but somehow the whole thing is just leaving me feeling empty. Alone. And kind of used.
A: How come?
Q: Well, it just seems so pointless after all this time. I mean, if I’ve been using XP for five years, why the hell should I bother upgrading now? I’ll have to run out and buy a new video card or a whole new machine… and for what? So I can see through my windows? Is that it? Is that what life is all about?
Q: Yeah. Will that provide meaning to my pathetic existence? Is this going to help me meet a girl?
Q: I mean, all I want at the end of my meagre existence is for people to look at my life and say, “Jim Allchin: he was a really great guy.”
A: Jim… Allchin?
Q: Oh. Uh… I’ve got to go. [click]
A: Huh. That was weird.