26 Jan 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take pity on our Windows-using friends and provide some much-needed technical support in advance of the Windows Vista Mega-Cool Super-Awesome Launch 2006!

Uh, I mean 2007!

Was… really supposed to have been, like, 2004, but…


Q: I’m really confused about the different versions of Vista and I’m hoping you can tell me which one to install.
A: Well, I’d recommend Vista Home Premium. It has the see-through windows and pretty much all the consumer-level benefits of the operating system.
Q: Huh. Well, I like computers, but I don’t really consider myself a “premium” kind of guy. I just want a little Windows, you know?
A: Oh. Sure. Then how about Windows Vista Home Basic? it doesn’t have the see-through windows, but it has most everything else.
Q: Hmm. I don’t know. I live in an unfurnished apartment. I think “Home” is kind of a stretch.
A: Oh. Well, OK, maybe you should look at Vista Starter. You can only run three applications at a time and it’s limited to 256 MB of RAM.
Q: Three applications?! Jeez, who am I? Merlin Mann? All switching between applications and being all productive?
A: Uh, well, no, because Merlin’s a Mac user.
Q: Oh.
A: Look, maybe you should just get Windows Vista for Dummies.
Q: Ooh! That sounds good!
A: Oh, it’s not. Limited to 32 MB of RAM, one application and you get an electric shock every five minutes to remind you to reconfirm your license.
Q: Awesome! Man, Microsoft is so innovative!
A: It is… something… alright…

Q: I’ve been thinking about getting Vista, but I’m really concerned about this catch-phrase they’re using: “Show us your ‘Wow’.”
A: Why does that bother you? Other than that it’s really stupid?
Q: Well, it’s apparently in the EULA. If you install Vista, you have to show Microsoft your “Wow.”
A: Really? That seems wrong.
Q: I know. I mean, I don’t even know what it means and already I don’t want to do it. I’m really hoping it’s not anything like showing them my “Oh!” face.
A: Ugh. Me, too, because the first “Show us your ‘Wow'” page is Bill Gates’.
Q: Eww.

Q: My problem with upgrading to Vista is less technical and more existential.
A: Oh. OK, lay it on me.
Q: OK. See, I know I’m supposed to want to upgrade to Vista, but somehow the whole thing is just leaving me feeling empty. Alone. And kind of used.
A: How come?
Q: Well, it just seems so pointless after all this time. I mean, if I’ve been using XP for five years, why the hell should I bother upgrading now? I’ll have to run out and buy a new video card or a whole new machine… and for what? So I can see through my windows? Is that it? Is that what life is all about?
A: Life?
Q: Yeah. Will that provide meaning to my pathetic existence? Is this going to help me meet a girl?
A: Uh…
Q: I mean, all I want at the end of my meagre existence is for people to look at my life and say, “Jim Allchin: he was a really great guy.”
A: Jim… Allchin?
Q: Oh. Uh… I’ve got to go. [click]
A: Huh. That was weird.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Rip Ragged says:

    Damn that feels good.

  2. moksha says:

    Oh man, first and second in just two days.

  3. moksha says:

    Maybe Jim would feel better if he listened to his feelings, and bought himself an iPod.

  4. moksha says:

    I guess sitting forlornly beside my RSS reader night after night really pays off.

  5. OMGHAX says:

    If you want see through windows, don’t buy the frosted glass panes next time. Noob.

  6. Rip Ragged says:

    My workplace will eventually upgrade to Vista. I really hope they upgrade to Extra Super Economy Size Vista with Clorox 2, April Fresh Downy, and a Free Side Salad with Blue Cheese Dressing and Garlic Croutons. I’d hate to think that I was installing weekly security patches on a second rate system.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Did I say 7th? I meant 11th. My mistake.

    Carry on.

  8. Carbonfish says:

    I said 11th and I meant 11th!

  9. vitamin fortified says:

    RR I was really hoping to get the Vista 6-CD changer, heatead seats, sunroof, underbody rust-proofing upgrade.

    But even the, spritz you with Valium as Muzak plays because you have a nervous tic from using any Windows product with weekly sessions with a therapist on your feelings of inadequacy and failure upgrade is catching my eye as well.

    Don’t use that it might poke your eye out, use this one for the transphenoid lobotomy

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    I only use Windows because they make me. I mask my feelings of inadequacy by assaulting the internet with my “Big G5” when I come home.

    I’m only going to say this once: allogamous

  11. Huh? says:

    You just leave my plants out of this.

    Luckly for me, my workplace is Windows-free. Well, except for the one lonely XP machine in the warehouse.
    It just stits there, looking at people walking by, randomly crashing…

    The fish… well, they sank to the bottom and died

  12. shawk says:

    I like Windows.
    It’s the operating system you roll up and hit a puppy to housebreak.

    I really like Windows Vista.
    It’s the operating system you roll up and hit a puppy to housebreak and it smells like meat.

    I suppose this might make more sense if I weren’t severely jet lagged and in Germany.

  13. Nxxx says:

    That is the correct word for making people take a deep breath, isn’t it?

  14. Rip Ragged says:

    Why would you want to make sense here? I’m severely jet lagged. I haven’t left my house.

    I would never call John C. Dvorak a bad name. Although his writing is what I would expect from an idiotic asshole. He might just be pretending.

    Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious.

  15. g0rdo says:

    You gonna get raped.

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    Somebody in here order a Hawaiian with extra green peppers?

  17. NWJR says:

    Top 20! Woo hoo!

  18. Vegetarian Coward says:

    The “Mega-Post” has as many comments as Vista. And it keeps growing!

    I’m offended by both hitting puppy dogs and the meat smell. Damn puppy sandwich.

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    I also don’t approve of hitting puppy dogs. Puppy dogs that hit should be taken outside and shot – in this case, both of them.


  20. Loose Leaf says:

    Man, they are going to loose a ton of money on the porn crowd. They better get some curtains or blinds to go with them see through windows. I didn’t spend all that money so someone else can watch my porn.

  21. Huh? says:

    My Pants™ suggest we should let the Col. take care of the hitting puppies…

    In the meantime, I’m going to go walk my Ouroboros.

  22. Woz says:

    Jim Allchin. Does that mean he’s like Jay Leno?

    If Jim’s all chin, then what is Ballmer?

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    I’m beta testing Windows Vista for Dummies right now and it seems to be a little underpowered. Perhaps if they **ZAP** uh, if they uh, where was I? Oh yeah, it seems a little unde**ZAP** … and if maybe, uh, then they **ZAP** … you see, uh, **ZAP** … **ZAP** … **ZAP** … … .. .

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    That isn’t how you do it. Try th…

  25. Rip Ragged says:

    Oops. No. That wasn’t it. Just push



  26. Rip Ragged says:

    Ballmer. Hmmm. Etymologically speaking the closest I can get to it is Ocean of Testicles.

  27. Steve Jobs says:

    Do you think Bill will post my ‘Wow’ moment on his website….

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    I’ll let you know. First let me go to Phil Mickelson’s blog for a compendium of Tiger Woods’ eagles….

  29. Stitch says:

    HAHA! I checked “show us your wow”, and the first window it shows in front is a Leopard….

  30. Joe #2 says:

    Now THAT was funny.

    My wow is Leopard.

  31. UhhhDude says:

    Pft. My workplace probably won’t upgrade to Veesta until several years from now, just like most other workplaces will do and just as they did with XP.

    Which gives me and my boss plenty of time to execute our diabolical plan to replace all our PCs with Mac Pros.


  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Interesting. I went to the “show us your wow” page. The first window was Bill Gates. I think he was showing his “Wow, I just swallowed an earthworm.”