29 Jan 07Vista Launch To Get Special Help.

After scores of mixed reviews and years of criticism over delays, Microsoft has decided to turn to the only person capable of pulling off the Vista launch tomorrow: Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

Sources within Apple report that Microsoft has secured Jobs’ services to conduct a surprise presentation tomorrow touting the latest version of Windows as only Jobs can.

“The only reason Steve agreed to do it,” an Apple source said “is that we just don’t feel that threatened by Windows anymore. And because [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer offered him 18 kajillion dollars.

“I know that sounds like a fake amount, but it’s actually some kind of amount the über-rich conduct business in.”

Despite the concerns of Mac users that Jobs is selling out, the source said Jobs will put the money to good use.

“I believe he’s going to invest it in developing a new product that will put Apple into a market-leading position, much like the iPod. Possibly it will be something monkey-based. It’s an entirely untapped field in technology and people love monkeys.

“OK, yeah, I’ve been running a monkey skunkworks project for five years. But we’re showing a lot of results.”

Reached for comment, Ballmer did admit that Jobs would be delivering a Vista presentation on Tuesday.

“It really made sense because Steve already has experience introducing these features,” Ballmer said.

“We knew the Vista rollout was in trouble because, well, it’s a piece of crap. Yeah, I said it. It’s crap software. Crap-crap-crappity-crap-crap. So we wanted the best possible person to present it. And it ain’t me – I’ve got a perspiration issue – and it ain’t Steven Hawking out of the wheelchair. What’s his name. Frumpy McScrawny. Gates.

“So, I called Jobs and said ‘Whatever you want. If it’s money, we’ve got great piles of it lying around here. Not really a problem.’ He named his price and tomorrow we’ll put it all behind us.

“God damn piece of crap.”

Jobs will perform his keynote-like presentation touting Vista tomorrow that will air on MSNBC and, for some reason, Telemundo.

No Responses to “Vista Launch To Get Special Help.”

  1. Dreil says:

    bah, newsfire loses every time. I posted 5 seconds after the bounce, and i still didnt make it 🙁

  2. John Moltz says:

    Hit refresh. There was a late update to the story.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    So would this new product be the “Monkey Pod”?? ’cause there’s already a tree by that name and I’m afraid that someone might have to put in a another call to the boys down in legal…

    …just askin’

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Firsty after the update!

  5. Carbonfish says:

    HA! Two firsts in ONE DAY!! Beat that my not-so-quick-on-the-draw pals!

  6. disgruntled cynic says:

    “I believe he’s going to invest it in developing a new product that Apple will put Apple into a market-leading position…

    C’mon, John. Us dopes out here make stupid mistakes because we’re trying to get frist post or some crap. (That, and some of us really are just stupid.) What’s your excuse?

  7. disgruntled cynic says:

    Oh, and I think that proves I read it.

  8. disgruntled cynic says:

    I did like the Frumpy McScrawny thing. Bonus points for that.

  9. Huh? says:

    Just so long as the monkeys have nothing to do with the sexbots.
    That would just be wierd.

    No sir, my Pants™ wouldn’t approve of that at all.

  10. John Moltz says:

    Frumpy McScrawny was the late update.

    Oh, and my excuse is that my dog ate it.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    And I’ve been running a skunk monkeyworks project for five years. Coincidence? I think not.

  12. Now will this new monkey project be powered by irradiated badgers? I think that would make a huge difference.

    And somehow I see Steve doing this as a Get a Mac Ad. Giselle will be Leopard and Vista will be the hairy guy in the dress. I heard Steve already deposited the cash in an offshore account.


  13. Nxxx says:

    Got it wrong again Moltz, he clearly said donkey.

    Now for toast and marmalade. Luxury. And a handful of hot gravel.

  14. pauldwaite says:

    “Monkey skunkworks” eh? The ladies must love that guy. FRESH.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Having a “Phil Schiller has a posse” t-shirt and a bumper sticker, I can swan about just like I’m the CARS Oceania correspondent.

    It was a thin tech news day here in Sydney with nothing much happening except for the launch of a new operating system from Microsoft. Three shoppers were seen glancing twice at boxes of Windows Vista in the Dick Smith Powerhouse at Warringah Mall. By days end shoppers were disappointed to find hundreds of copies of the operating system still on store shelves.

  16. A priest, a rabbi, and a monkey pod says:

    “Steven Hawking out of the wheelchair”


  17. Steve G. says:

    Monkey sexbots won’t sell, donkey sexbots might, but gerbil sexbots definitely will. Especially to Richard Gere. He’ll take a few.

  18. Nxxx says:

    Product recall. All gerbil sexbots to be returned to place where obtained, unless purchased by men who would benefit from the the Spam offers.

  19. Nxxx says:

    Product recall. All gerbil sexbots to be returned to place where obtained, unless purchased by men who would benefit from the the Spam offers.

  20. Chris says:

    Is Steve Ballmer from Baltimore? Is that why he has that name?

  21. Nxxx says:

    Apologise for stutter.

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Not only does Ballmer know crap and perspiration, he knows monkies too! So maybe Steve could return the favor and have MonkeyBoy Ballmer introduce the monkey-based technology.

  23. Anomynous says:

    Hey man, you wanna see a donkey show?

  24. monkeys says:

    yeah, you know, people really seem to actually love us, but in a very sexual manner.

    we’ve seen a lot of monkey-rapers lately.

  25. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Where do you think Steve Ballmer came from?

  26. blank says:

    A kajillion dollars would be good, but I’d rather have a bazillion dollars. As to the monkeys, sure it sounds like it’s all fun and games–until somebody gets ebola.

  27. Trev says:

    Steve better watch it or PETA will kick his ass.

  28. kingthedestroyer says:

    Maybe the monkey will be a special interface with some device, like on the iPhone, like scrath the monkey’s head and the phone calls your analist, rub his belly to order a pizza, spank him to call that crazy ex-girl friend and probably a few others that you wouldn’t want to do in public, exept maybe that Ballmer guy I keep reading about.

  29. NWJR says:

    Frumpy McScrawny. That’s some funny shit.


  30. Rip Ragged says:

    Dammit. No.

    That will screw up everything. If His Steveness announces Vista, all of us Slobbering Apple Fanboy Faithful (TM) will have to buy it. I don’t even OWN a friggin’ Dell to run it on.

    Oh my friggin’ heel calluses. I’d just have a useless piece of crap software sitting in my house pissing me off. It would be better than if I was actually going to try to install it and use it, but only slightly

    Complementations. Extra dijon.

  31. Rip Ragged says:


    Where’s the frippin’ Edit key.

  32. Huh? says:

    So if we put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with computers, would they eventually code Vista?
    We would, of course, have to keep Ballmer out. He’d be too much of a distraction.

    Would anyone like a fresh glass of iced dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane?

  33. Bill Fence says:

    Actually, we didn’t need an infinite number of monkeys, although we certainly could have afforded them. We just used two, and they coded Vista in about 3 weeks, and most of that time was spent masturbating and throwing poo.

  34. Ace Deuce says:

    I believe that that is precisely how they coded Vista.

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    I’ll bet they copied Apple’s monkeys.

    They always do, you know.

    Triploblastic with an attitude (and clean socks).

  36. Bill Fence says:

    In a brainstorming/poo-throwing session, the monkeys decided on brown as a zune color too.

  37. Rip Ragged says:

    Bill…..that was a poem. It just needed a little bit of meter to it.

    We didn’t have infinite monkeys
    We only need two
    Three weeks of coding and masturbating
    And throwing monkey poo

    I feel a song coming on. Oops. Nope. Just gas.

  38. Bill Fence says:

    Uhh …. unless you can stick that poem into a spreadsheet, I don’t want to hear it.

  39. thelairster says:

    Steve Jobs could sell Paris Hilton albums. He is that good.

  40. thelairster says:

    And he could also sell Chlamydia. Definately Chlamydia.

  41. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    I like Paris Hilton! She’s better than her lesser known sister, Bakersfield Hilton, anyway.