After scores of mixed reviews and years of criticism over delays, Microsoft has decided to turn to the only person capable of pulling off the Vista launch tomorrow: Apple CEO Steve Jobs.
Sources within Apple report that Microsoft has secured Jobs’ services to conduct a surprise presentation tomorrow touting the latest version of Windows as only Jobs can.
“The only reason Steve agreed to do it,” an Apple source said “is that we just don’t feel that threatened by Windows anymore. And because [Microsoft CEO Steve] Ballmer offered him 18 kajillion dollars.
“I know that sounds like a fake amount, but it’s actually some kind of amount the über-rich conduct business in.”
Despite the concerns of Mac users that Jobs is selling out, the source said Jobs will put the money to good use.
“I believe he’s going to invest it in developing a new product that will put Apple into a market-leading position, much like the iPod. Possibly it will be something monkey-based. It’s an entirely untapped field in technology and people love monkeys.
“OK, yeah, I’ve been running a monkey skunkworks project for five years. But we’re showing a lot of results.”
Reached for comment, Ballmer did admit that Jobs would be delivering a Vista presentation on Tuesday.
“It really made sense because Steve already has experience introducing these features,” Ballmer said.
“We knew the Vista rollout was in trouble because, well, it’s a piece of crap. Yeah, I said it. It’s crap software. Crap-crap-crappity-crap-crap. So we wanted the best possible person to present it. And it ain’t me – I’ve got a perspiration issue – and it ain’t Steven Hawking out of the wheelchair. What’s his name. Frumpy McScrawny. Gates.
“So, I called Jobs and said ‘Whatever you want. If it’s money, we’ve got great piles of it lying around here. Not really a problem.’ He named his price and tomorrow we’ll put it all behind us.
“God damn piece of crap.”
Jobs will perform his keynote-like presentation touting Vista tomorrow that will air on MSNBC and, for some reason, Telemundo.