30 Jan 07Angry, Drunken Vista Punches 13-Year-Old.

Highlighting what has become a difficult product launch for Microsoft, the Vista rollout was marred by violence today.

In a sign that the freshly revised operating system is under tremendous pressure after bad reviews and questions about its adoption rate, Vista showed up drunk at a launch party in an East Lansing, Mich., CompUSA.

Stumbling around the store, Vista knocked over a stack of Xboxes and threw up in an open Dell tower.

“Whaddar you lookin’ at?!” the aging celebrity snarled at frightened patrons.

“Yeah, I’m Vista! I’m all new!” the operating system said sarcastically. “At least certain parts of me. Like my graphics. And my tits. Yeah, that’s right. I had my boobs done!

Vista curled up under a row of laptops and began to sob. Minutes later the operating system seemed to have forgotten its despondency and was bouncing around the store like a coke-fueled weasel when it was approached by an over-curious 13-year-old Landon Roberts.

“Don’t touch me!” Vista screamed suddenly, flailing its arms and landing a glancing blow on Roberts.

Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like a dirty sock.

Microsoft declined to comment for this story and even refused to admit that it had ever heard of an operating system called “Vista.”

No Responses to “Angry, Drunken Vista Punches 13-Year-Old.”

  1. Squished Squirrel says:


  2. Dreil says:


  3. Dreil says:

    “SORRY, you can can’t post more than more than fifteen seconds. Slow down cowboy :(“

  4. Don of Doom says:

    4th – and I don’t even use a news reader! beat that!!

  5. Carbonfish says:

    FIVE! Being in the top ten is getting too easy. Sort of like shooting monkeys in a barrel.

  6. Squished Squirrel says:

    It’s gonna be taken away by another WordPress bug… I just know it.

    Surprisingly, throwing up in the Dell tower resolved several issues it had with self image… now it feels more comfortable being the trailer trash computer it is. It is now operating smoothly, aero urp and all.

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    Oh Thank Bob the rumor about Steve Jobs introducing Vista didn’t come true. You know if it would have been like the time you predicted the thing about the iPhone only having one operating system or one third-party sudoku game or something. It was one something. I remember it like it was yesterday. Not that I remember much about yesterday. Maybe I remember it like it was a couple of months ago. I couldn’t have dealt with that, anyway. Too weird.

    Did I leave an aquarium filter in here last night?

  8. Carbonfish says:

    What’s a “news reader”? You mean you can afford someone to read your news to you?


  9. John Moltz says:

    I hope you closed those tags, young man.

  10. John Moltz says:

    OK, we’re good.

    (HA! WordPress stopped me, too.)

  11. Huh? says:

    Well at least it wasn’t like a Mountain Dew™-fueled weasel. That’s just wrong.

    Oh, my Pants™ inform me it threw up into FOUR Dell machines.
    But at least its boobs look nice.

    Could some take this aquarium filter? It’s leaking all over my carpet.

  12. Don of Doom, you do not use Firefox or Safari? SHAME ON YOU!!!

  13. Nxxx says:

    Three comments Moltz? What chance do we, your commenters have when you dominate the board?

    Actually, I’ve nothing to say.
    *Wanders off, sobbing.*

  14. Don of Doom says:

    Mr Carbonfish.

    You know, as soon as I posted that comment I realised that I was showing my ignorance of RSS newsfeeds or whatever this new fandangled technology stuff is. I was just hoping that no-one would notice. So, thanks! Being the ignorant ass I am, I suppose I just have to go and buy Vista now. Just F$%% great!

    D of D

  15. Don of Doom says:

    Anastasios Booby Chalcedon, I do use Safari, but will admit to knowing little about RSS. How do I get automatically notified of new posts on CARS?

  16. disgruntled cynic says:

    I don’t mean to butt in, DoD. I know you weren’t talking to me, but I felt I had to get involved before you do something rash. Or something that might cause a rash, like buying Vista.

    If you’re using Safari 2 or Firefox 2, just click on the RSS button in the address bar and it will give you the opportunity to “subscribe.” In a browser, that really just makes a fancy bookmark that notifies you of new stuff and summarizes it in a browser page.

  17. OMGHAX says:

    I’m a purple belt in Kajukenbo! I could drop vista like David Scott dropped the hammer and feather on the Moon!

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay kids.

    Weasels, irradiated badgers, donkeys, tribbles, monkeys, ponies, skunks, ninja kittens; mammalia ad nauseam.

    How about taking a break from hairy things for a while? Why not reference trilobites and cuttlefish and such? Or nematodes or planaria. Or even things with feathers? Please?

  19. vitamin fortified says:

    Yeah, I saw Vista stumble out of there. Found the operating system trying to catch pigeons to roast. Screaming how the tapeworms are sending IM’s on the lack of poultry in the diet. They are tired of Mountain Dew fueled self-pity

    Giardia Lambglia

  20. J0n says:

    Ace, I had a boa constrictor several years ago. She ATE mammals (rodents, to be specific).

  21. Del says:


    Your reporting is getting a little shoddy. I was there for the event, being a Michigan native and living in the East Lansing area. First off there is not a CompUSA in East Lansing. There is one in Lansing in the Frandor Mall area.

    Also you forgot one very important point, When Vista was curled under the laptop bench sobbing he had his arms around a new MacBook Pro. He kept saying over and over “Why can’t I be like you OS X all happy and shiny, I can’t even run on you with Boot Camp.”

    At this point I attempted to slip Vista a razor blade with the advice long-ways not across, but Vista flipped over to insane bouncy mode and I never got a chance to approach him before he got tossed. I heard he spent the rest of the evening at the Red Lobster Bar until he got tossed for attempting to “Squirt” into the lobster tank.

  22. UhhhDude says:

    Well of course Veesta is going to be acting like that. Look at its parents.

    Or did you forget the time Windows 95 stole that Corvette and wrapped it around a tree? As I recall, Netscape was never the same after that. And remember when Windows XP (Home Edition) went streaking at that football game? Or the time Windows CE was arrested for robbing that liquor store?

    Has anyone seen my glasses? No, the other pair, not the ones I have on.

  23. DimBulb says:

    No comment.

    Really, no comment.

    No, I will not even say something off-the-record.

    NO, NO, NO, NO.

    And a partridge in a pear tree.

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like Paris Hilton’s panties.

    Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like Bush’s approval rating.

    Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like fifth period economics.

    Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like a used Tampon.

    On CNN recently, John Moltz was asked about the similarities between CARS and AtAT.

    “No, no, no” Moltz began, “We’re ahead on a lot… There’s whole areas where we’ve innovated like rumors and humor…”

    Clearly shaken by the question, Moltz, editor in chief of CARS, finished by saying, “We have a caveman on staff. Jack never had one of those. Clearly different.”

  25. Ace Deuce says:

    If Vista is the Bush twins, who is Leopard?

    And thanks for restoring balance in the animal world, people. I can sleep again.

  26. blank says:

    I have to admit, the phrase “coke-fueled weasel” brings with it an image that’ll stay with you all day.

    Get it off, get it off! Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhh!

    “Coke-fueled budgie” just doesn’t have the same effect.

  27. Picker of Nits says:

    So is that coke made from coal or Coke made from Coca-Cola®?

    Did you know that Coke isn’t a registered trademark?

    Well, didja? Didja?

    Where’s my Coke?!?

  28. Walking Contradiction says:

    Roberts, a black belt in karate, proceeded to drop Vista like a dirty sock.

    Vista is a wussie. I can’t fight my way out of a wet paper sack, I guess I would fall into the “lavender belt in karate” group, or some such gay color. Yet later that same night I had a run-in with Vista and even I kicked it’s sorry ass. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.

    Hey Vista, I think I hear your mommie calling for you …

  29. spresso says:

    Another reason to switch to mac.
    Real boobs.

  30. Biff Whammy says:

    Del didn’t mention the mess Vista made at Tractor Supply Company. Trailer trash, indeed.

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    I’d much rather the brawling Vista than that stuck up little twerp Windows ME.

    Me this, me that, me me me all the time…conceited little jerk.

    Boy I really hated that guy.

  32. Rich says:

    Seriously, dudes, this is the FUNNIEST post you’ve had in months.

    CARS is bringin’ FUNNY BACK!

    Oh, and…


  33. MacBook amateur says:

    If they had the funny guy from Cingular at their keynote, it would have all gone a lot better.

  34. Rip Ragged says:

    They had a keynote? I’ll bet they didn’t even talk about the Macintosh at that one either. I’m getting really tired of all these people not talking about the Macintosh. Nobody talks about it at work. The cop that pulled me over the other day didn’t say a word about Leopard. The guy at the deli counter never mentions Airport Extreme (not even the new one). Frankly, I’m starting to get a little suspicious.

    Also, I seem to be out of laundry detergent and Havarti.

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    Rinji news o moshiagemasu!
    Rinji news o moshiagemasu!
    Godzilla ga ginza hoomen e mukatte imasu!
    Daishkyu hinan shite kudasai!
    Daishkyu hinan shite kudasai!

  36. Huh? says:

    Godzilla. GODZILLA!!!!!

    Where are the emergency shelters when you need them?

    Oh, wait. I’m not in Ginza.
    Never mind.

  37. Vegetarian Coward says:

    I had a ferret. Like a weasel. Can’t imagine him any more hyper than he was, well, unto he died. Not so hyper then.

    I take offense to shooting monkeys in a barrel. They aren’t that quick. You could probably chase them down and club them death like a baby seal.

  38. Take aim says:

    What kind of barrel is it?

    I’d kind of expect monkeys to escape from a normal kind of barrel.

    Unless they’re rabid.

  39. Saikou Yuden says:

    Godzilla de nai! Gojira desu!