31 Jan 07God Borrows $5 From Jobs.

In another sign that Steve Jobs may, indeed, have more money than God as many have said, sources close to the Almighty say He recently borrowed $5 from the mercurial Apple CEO.

On a recent edition of the 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson pleaded with viewers to help.

Closing his eyes and holding hands with co-host Terry Meeuwsen, Robertson said “I see something terrible. Just terrible, ladies and gentlemen. I see Our Lord receiving a five dollar bill from a man… I don’t know who he is, but he’s wearing glasses and… and a black turtleneck… no, it’s a mock turtleneck…

“Mock turtleneck,” Meeuwsen intoned, nodding her head in agreement.

“…and jeans… This is just awful. Please, please, send as much money as you can… preferably in large denominations… or you can simply mail us a signed check with the amount left blank and we’ll take care of the rest.”

Reached for comment, Yahweh shrugged off the incident.

“I was a little light this month and Steve was kind enough to lend me a five spot. It’s no big deal. I’ll have it back to him by Friday. Next Tuesday at the latest. Absolute latest.

“Assuming a couple of things come together for me early next week.”

It’s uncertain when Jobs surpassed the One, True God in net worth, but many suspect it was last year when Disney bought Pixar.

Responding to those who fear that if Jobs has more money than Jehovah, then Bill Gates must also, noted religious scholars pointed out that Gates is evil.

“Hence, his money is evil,” said divinity scholar Robert Hansen of the University of Chicago. “So, it’s like… negative money.

“It’s, uh, kind of complicated for a lay person to understand.”

Apple declined to comment, but the Cupertino campus was bathed in a warm, heavenly glow.

31 Responses to “God Borrows $5 From Jobs.”

  1. Carbonfish says:

    FIRST and foremost!

  2. redeyebase says:


  3. sg says:

    Oh man, it’s stories like these that remind me why I love this site.

  4. Zesty says:

    So… Bill Gates must have more money than Satan, right?

  5. Ryan says:

    lucky number five… which is like 2+3 or THE NUMBER 23!!!

    and the amount G*d borrowed

  6. Rip Ragged says:

    I laughed, I cried, I continued digesting dinner, I took off my shoe and scratched between a couple of toes, because my foot just itches for some reason. Actually more lately. I think it has something to do with the weather. My wife thinks it’s because I eat too much pasta. Have you ever thought about that there are only names for the big toe and pinky. The other three are completely neglected. You’d think after all these years somebody would have taken care of that. But then, that would kind of make you wonder about the kind of person who names all his body parts. I mean, that’s just weird.

    I would have loaned him a fiver. I wasn’t even asked. Sheesh. You think you know a guy.

    First comment to use the word “cytoarchitecturally.”

  7. OMGHAX says:

    Your mom borrowed $5 from Steve Jobs! And she went to the grocery store to turn it into some quarters for the laundry! Ooooh! Cold as the katabatic wind!

  8. iHarley says:

    I just have to ask, after reading for a while here, where do you come up with this stuff? Excellent, and keep it up.

  9. Rip Ragged says:

    I was going to say that. And no, John, I don’t think those pants make your butt look fat. You look wonderful. Really.

  10. Huh? says:

    Anti-money? So if Steve gave Bill a dollar, and he put it in his wallet, the universe would implode. Right?

    Just for the record, when my cells get together, they most definitely arrange themselves.

    Reductholism. My anti-… um. Something.

  11. Huh? says:

    Psst. John… Rip’s lying.

    Go change.

  12. John Moltz says:

    Now, come on. You *know* I’m wearing polyester stretch pants.

  13. disgruntled cynic says:

    For the love all that’s holy, John, at least put the stirrups inside your pumps.

    Um. Sorry, Rip. I guess you were ommitted (inadvertently) from the distro list when the toe memo went out. They are: Cecil, Clyde and Oliver.

    I’ll talk to Sheila in H.R. and have her check the master list for your name to make sure we don’t have another incident as unfortunate as this one. You might want to see if someone on your team can forward you the updated “Corporate Naming Conventions for Anatomy” spreadsheet, too. You’ll want to make sure you get the one marked “Internal circulation only.”

    Y’know. Just to be safe.

  14. shawk says:

    Apple money is pure white, perfectly proportioned, only used by the most discerning 5% and totally blank.
    Some people say that it’s just sliced up typing paper but they do not understand that Apple money never gets viruses.

  15. His Steveness says:

    66 is reserved my little black pony from hell…

  16. Nxxx says:

    You might be the recipient of the
    “F__k it! Missed.” golf/vicar joke.

  17. Me says:

    Absolutely great one! That’s why I come back to that site so often.

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  18. Simon says:

    > Anti-money? So if Steve gave Bill a dollar, and he put it in his wallet, the universe would implode. Right?

    Correct! And if Bill gives Steve $150 million, Apple fans’ universe would implode; as, indeed, it did. QED!

  19. rahrens says:

    Naw, the Mac fan universe didn’t explode, just a few heads. (and maybe a few noses, but that doesn’t count…unless you count the soda that went through my nose onto the guy’s head in the row in front of me.)

  20. UhhhDude says:

    Really John. Change out of those stretch pants. They’re giving you camel toe.

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    Rip, you have a serious gap in your education.

    I have it on good authority that the names of the toes are: This Little Piggy, This Little Piggy, This Little Piggy, This Little Piggy, and This Little Piggy, respectively, going from large to small.

    Further, the names of the fingers are (from large to small), Thumb, Index, The Bird, Ring, and Pinky.

    Extra credit answers: The depression between the lower lip and chin is called the dwampus. The indentation on the upper lip (sometimes called the philtrum) is called the yerd. The strands of connective tissue that become evident on the neck when grimacing are called strendels. The inside of the elbow is called the elbuckle. The inside of the knee is called the kneeckle. The back of the hand is called the back of the hand. You’d think they could come up with a better term, but no!

    For your further edification, the seating postions in a sedan are: (front seat, left to right:) Driver, Front and Center, Shotgun, (back seat, left to right:) Backseat Driver, Ned Brown, Backseat Shotgun.

  22. Anomynous says:

    I believe the middle spot in the back seat is known as “Bitch”.

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    Must be a regional difference. Where I come from it was always Ned Brown, the safest and least desirable position in the car, unless you count the seventh position, which was to be stretched across the laps in the back seat.

    Or the eighth, which is the trunk. I always hated that and still do.

  24. Gruff says:

    >I always hated that and still do.

    Well, Ace, maybe if you behaved better I wouldn’t have to keep putting you back there. After all, Mother was only trying to help.

  25. Nxxx says:

    You are mistaken. You’ve forgotten that we have named fingers for the nose and the ears.

  26. steve aint got nothing on me God borrowed 10 bucks from Me to pay back jesus When he bet him that Jobs wouldn’t pay up.

    With all sincarity

  27. ergo says:

    Obligatory post to confirm I still occasionally read this site.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    I don’t know about a gap in my education, but the gap between this little piggy and this little piggy itches like hell.

    Compurgations, please.

  29. moofer says:

    If I was to go out and shoot my toe off, then go through recovery, and then go to the local bar on the corner and tell the tale, not a single damn person in that bar would ever ask the question “Which one?”