01 Feb 07Vista Revealed to be Suit of Bats.

Princeton University researchers today announced that Microsoft’s new Windows Vista operating system is nothing but a suit full of bats.

“We were examining the code to find weaknesses in the new DRM [digital rights management] system… um, mostly so we could cheese Microsoft and the RIAA off.. and we discovered that there was no there there,” said Professor Ed Felton.

When Felton and graduate students working closely with him looked behind a closed Vista window, they first saw a shadowy form they assumed to be Vista’s underlying code. On further decompiling, however, the form collapsed into a suit full of bats which flew shrieking away from the computer, escaping over the Internet.

“Nosferatu takes many forms,” Felton said. “Our close work in examining the music and film industry has revealed many of them, including the bag of mice, the box of insects, and former MPAA head Jack Valenti – who, interestingly enough, turns out to be voles operating a marionette.

“Kinda… creepy.”

Further evidence that Vista is simply a suit of bats came during a press conference with Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates, together in a rare appearance at Vista’s launch in New York. When a reporter innocently produced a boxed copy of Tiger to ask if it was the model for Vista, the large X – a cross – on the cover, caused Gates to shriek, emit noxious fumes, and sink into the stage, disappearing from view.

Ballmer, meanwhile, began wailing, “Master, oh Master!” and then ate several cockroaches. The Microsoft CEO was put in a straitjacket and incarcerated in a padded room in the Bellevue Mental Asylum in New York.

Felton said, “The accidental unearthing of an ancient evil was certainly only slightly beyond our expectations. We had hoped to find a timing error that revealed encryption keys, but a suit of bats confirms our worst fears.”

Felton then threw on a cassock, grabbed a vial of water that had dripped from the cooling system of a Linux box, and summoned his students, striding forward into the night.

The Federal Trade Commission said that while consumers who purchase Vista may be unhappy to receive an operating system that contains a suit of bats, the licensing agreement clearly states “Microsoft warrants Vista contains a suit of bats,” and thus returns cannot be forced under federal law.

No Responses to “Vista Revealed to be Suit of Bats.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Deuce

  2. Rip Ragged says:

    Huh. I have a Bat Suit. It’s from Halloween, 1968. It’s the television show version. Polyester.

    Odd news, John. I always sort of figured that if someone was going to shriek and emit noxious fumes it would be Ballmer. Has Phil been briefed on this?

    Ah well, c’est lalalalala lala la laa. No, wait. Christmas is over.

    Remember, if you’re not part of the whatchamacallit, you’re part of the other thing.

  3. redeyebase says:

    Fourth and forthmost.

  4. John Moltz says:

    I think I had that same suit, RR.

    Oh, wait, I’m wearing it right now.

    Huh.

  5. Huh? says:

    Oh.
    Never mind.

    My bat suit is a bit uncomfortable. All that wood. Doesn’t bend very well.
    Yeah.

    My Pants™ said I souldn’t divulge that information, but if not here, then where?

    And if you’re not part of the other thing, you’re part of the doo-hickey.

  6. OMGHAX says:

    Like scooby doo and shaggy entering a deep, dark cave.

    Nosferatu? That means Klaus Kinski has risen to haunt Microsoft!

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    I wondered where it went. Don’t worry about that stain. It’s sanitary.

    It’s good to know that Ballmer will be able to find something to do. After MS tanks he can always get on with Terminix.

    You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him go to Amway meetings.

  8. Huh? says:

    I thought Ballmer was running a coke-fueled monkey reserve on the side?
    Hmmm…

    You can lead a pig to a Amway meeting, but he won’t taste any better.

  9. Nxxx says:

    If they’d have made Vista from British Cricket Bats, it would have been worse. Streetrabbit will confirm.

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Brilliant. Though I’m irritated that through reading the article I missed eleven.

  11. Paul says:

    I don’t mean to harp on this, but you had the Robin suit. You know it, and I know it.

  12. Nxxx says:

    PoisedNoise,
    Swap?

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    At least with British Cricket Bats, in a pinch you can paddle.

    I’m wearing my Bat Masterson costume.

  14. J0n says:

    Huh?, I would think you’d have an aluminum bat suit, instead of one made of wood; the aluminum would coordinate with PowerBooks / MacBook Pros better.

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay, it was the Robin Suit. What of it? Robin was cooler. Does that make me less of a caveman?

    Holy Stale Pop References.

  16. Spell Czech says:

    It’s called a straitjacket. A “straight jacket” would mean, well, a jacket whose lines and seams are all straight.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to fly up to the rafters, hang upside down, and get my beauty sleep. Or maybe a church mouse as a bedtime snack first.

  17. A Priest, a rabbi,Michael Jackson, and a very scared little boy says:

    “.. and we discovered that there was no there there,”

    Since nobody else seems to want to point out the typo, I guess I’ll do it.

    Sorry Mr. Moltz

    I feel so dirty now…

  18. buthidae says:

    Not there – There! Not there – There!

  19. Steve G. says:

    Blackjack!

    At least it wasn’t made of grues. They’re nasty. Especially in the dark.

    And since someone opened the subject of comics and straight lines, ever notice how in the comics when someone is wearing a jacket with a check pattern, the lines are always straight regardless of how the wearer is standing? Some weird comic book physics, I guess.

  20. John Moltz says:

    That’s not a typo, Priest. It’s a colloquialism.

    Thanks for the Phil Ken Sebben reference buthidae.

    Ha-ha! Colbert.

    And for the last time, Kafasis…

    SPIDER-MAN!

    Who, by the way, could kick the Flash’s ass any day of the week.

  21. Rich says:

    You can lead My Little Pony to water, but you can’t make him use Vista.

  22. OMGHAX says:

    What about My Pet Goat?

  23. Joe #2 says:

    Sorry, Flash would win a fight with Spiderman.
    Spidey can’t dodge something faster than his spider sense can detect.

    Oh wait, that was the old Flash. They’ve tuned down all the DC Heroes so they aren’t all ridiculously overpowered.

    I give it a 50/50 chance of Flash winning cause Spidey is just that cool.
    Either of them could kick Vista’s butt. Come on, bats, like either of them wouldn’t be able to catch them.

  24. Anomynous says:

    Is a cassock anything like a cossack?

  25. greenacres says:

    I saw the typo, too, but I REALLY was drawn into the story at that point and didn’t care. What will happen next week!? Stay tuned friends, same Bat time, same Bat channel!

  26. Hobbs says:

    In other news when Newsweek asked Bill-The-Copy-Cato:

    “In many of the Vista reviews, even the positive ones, people note that some Vista features are already in the Mac operating system.”

    The-Copy-Cato replied:
    “You can go through and look at who showed any of these things first, if you care about the facts. If you just want to say, “Steve Jobs invented the world, and then the rest of us came along,” that’s fine. If you’re interested, [Vista development chief] Jim Allchin will be glad to educate you feature by feature what the truth is.”

    He also said that they would updating Vista every year (to add the features that debut in Leopard or any future Mac Os updates).

    The-Copy-Cato continued: “For instance, in the next update, we will have a brand new feature not previously conceived by Apple/Steve Jobs. It will be called “Roll Back”. This features is an actual time machine not some gimmicky stuff on the screen. As you choose a previous time zone, not only will you be able to recover your old erased files , but will also grow younger! One conundrum we have not solved yet is if you go back before the PC was invented you won’t be able to come back! We will use this top secret feature to send Steve Jobs waaay back, (a trojan will install it on his computer running Leopard) so that he won’t be able to come up with fresh stuff all the time!”

  27. blank says:

    Oh, *bats*! I thought you said something else. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

    Original Flash everytime, btw. Don’t bother with Flash light, he’s worthless.

  28. OMGHAX says:

    Cato! Come out! I am wary!

  29. Biff Whammy says:

    Rumour has it that Burt Ward was the “biggest” man in Hollywood at the time. So Rip has a pretty big, um, suit to fill.

  30. Complete Idiot says:

    Klaus Kinski?

    Wasn’t he the guy they called “The German Beatle”?

    Nevermind, you are all too young to remember that….

    Can you make a horse attend an AA Meeting? I need a lift.

  31. A Priest, a rabbi,Michael Jackson, and a very scared little boy says:

    Ahhh, I see. Clarification moments before my head exploded after rereading that sentence repeatedly.

    Brilliant!

  32. Nxxx says:

    Spell Czek,
    I believe you do Mr. Moltz a disservice.
    Straight Jackets keep you straight.
    Straitjackets are to keep you afloat in Straits. I’ve used mine often to cross between Wales and Anglesey frequently.

  33. FlyingMonkeyButt says:

    I must be gettin old and near-sighted in my advancing years, I swear, when I took a look, that Vista was filled with not with bats, but a squadron of flying monkies leaded by a wicked witch. And they carried signs warning that I probably erred and to press yes, please forgive me or press no, I want to sin and chance suffering etenal damnation.

    I also thought a saw a man, wearing glasses with dried remnants of cream pie on his face. hiding in a room behind a throne in a green city, paved in golden bricks, He was screaming in a microphone, demanding activation codes and payments up front for things I hadn’t even expressed a desire for, and that I only could use the unwanted files on one machine, and when I tried to use them they failed and I began receive threatening e-mails from the riaa demanding ever escalating amounts of money.

  34. John Moltz says:

    Czech, you can actually spell it either “straitjacket” or “straightjacket”.

    As I had a space in there and had to change it anyway, I changed it to the original spelling because I rock it hard old-school.

    Y’all.

  35. Spell Czech says:

    I’m so glad we got that all, um, straight.

    And Nxxx, I believe you’re short a couple of letters.

  36. Rip Ragged says:

    I’m so glad we had this time to really talk this out. Please see the doorman on your way out.

    No tipping. Listing, leaning, and capsizing are fine.

    No. I didn’t say I need a posse.

  37. I have just read your tasteless and pathetic attempt at maligning the good character of evil incarnate generally, and me, The Suit of Bats, specifically.

    Be prepared for an especially spooky nocturnal visit or two, and if that does not convince you that a carefully worded retraction is in order, then you may expect increasingly unpleasant contacts from The Suit of Bats legal team.

    Sincerely,

    The Suit of Bats

  38. Y’see. That’s the sort of thing that happens when you name names. Over at my place we use unrecognizable pseudonyms so that people won’t know.

  39. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    I call first on the next posting! … and shotgun too!

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