Despite repeated claims that the Apple options scandal is distracting CEO Steve Jobs, sources close to him indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.
“Were that the case,” said one source, “Were Steve to be so easily distracted, there are hundreds of other things that would have distracted the hell out of him prior to this.”
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has compiled the following list of the things that could be distracting Jobs, but are not because of his steely resolve, ability to focus like a laser beam and special boxer-briefs that give him an electric shock every time his mind wanders.
- The almost rhythmic oscillation of Peter Oppenheimer’s doughy jowls when he talks.
- Long-term project to determine the largest prime number using nothing but the Calculator app.
- The chafing when his Brazilian wax starts growing out.
- Prepping for the upcoming draft in the Apple fantasy baseball league.
- The ass on that half-Japanese chick in accounting.
- Putting the final touches on his grand Unification Theory.
- Figuring out how they manage to dehydrate 8 ounces of pineapple to a weight of 1.5 ounces. It has something to do with removing the water… Think, dammit, Steve, think!
- Own executive distraction team consisting of Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Rob Enderle and Kato from the Pink Panther movies.
- That damn Guns N’ Roses the government keeps blasting in between entreaties to surrender.
- Do the writers of “Lost” know where they’re going or are they just making it up as they go?
- Why do they call it a nickel when it isn’t made of nickel?
- Why do the boys in R&D only seem to be able to build male sexbots and why are they always playing the Dave Matthews Band really loud down there?
- Asking self, “When I’m driving, why does the moon keep following me?”
- Initiating letter writing campaign to the folks at Nestlé asking why they can’t make a decent vegetarian Hot Pocket. I mean, how fricking hard should that be?!
- His torrid affair with Oprah Winfrey friend Gayle King.
- Sleep, Restart, Shut Down? Sleep, Restart, Shut Down! SLEEP, RESTART, SHUT DOWN?!!!
- President of Bolivia. That does sound nice…
- Making sure the upcoming Apple Rubber Chicken is designed juuust riiight.
- The free Wednesday waffle bar at Caffe Macs.
- His long-term program to tag-and-release every squirrel on the Apple campus (rudely interrupted from 1985-1997).
- Trying to figure out how to safely remove that deer tick the size of a grapefruit that’s attached to his back.
- Leafing through the latest edition of Gentlemen’s Mock Turtleneck and Jeans Quarterly and wondering – again – when they’re going to interview him.
- All those Cup-O-Puddins just sitting there in his mini-fridge waiting to be eaten.
- The damn Wii that Joz put in the conference room.
- Trying to identify that funky smell in his Mercedes. Is it an old yogurt cup under the seat? What the hell is that?
- The time it’s taking to “mark his territory” on the award money that Apple has to pay those rumor sites before it gets sent out.
- Finally being able to fully indulge his fetish for diapered astronauts online.
- Looking for the “wow,” which is somewhere in “the social”… or… uh…
- Drawing hilariously obtuse schematics for nonexistent products to leak to the rumor sites.
- Gazing at pictures of Chris Breen’s luxurious hair.
- Driving around trying to find a place to bury all those dead hookers in the back of his van.
Apple declined to comment officially for this story but did say “Dead hookers? Really?”