14 Feb 07Analysts Fear Jobs "Distracted".

Despite repeated claims that the Apple options scandal is distracting CEO Steve Jobs, sources close to him indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.

“Were that the case,” said one source, “Were Steve to be so easily distracted, there are hundreds of other things that would have distracted the hell out of him prior to this.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has compiled the following list of the things that could be distracting Jobs, but are not because of his steely resolve, ability to focus like a laser beam and special boxer-briefs that give him an electric shock every time his mind wanders.

  • The almost rhythmic oscillation of Peter Oppenheimer’s doughy jowls when he talks.
  • Long-term project to determine the largest prime number using nothing but the Calculator app.
  • The chafing when his Brazilian wax starts growing out.
  • Prepping for the upcoming draft in the Apple fantasy baseball league.
  • The ass on that half-Japanese chick in accounting.
  • Putting the final touches on his grand Unification Theory.
  • Figuring out how they manage to dehydrate 8 ounces of pineapple to a weight of 1.5 ounces. It has something to do with removing the water… Think, dammit, Steve, think!
  • Own executive distraction team consisting of Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Rob Enderle and Kato from the Pink Panther movies.
  • That damn Guns N’ Roses the government keeps blasting in between entreaties to surrender.
  • Do the writers of “Lost” know where they’re going or are they just making it up as they go?
  • Why do they call it a nickel when it isn’t made of nickel?
  • Why do the boys in R&D only seem to be able to build male sexbots and why are they always playing the Dave Matthews Band really loud down there?
  • Asking self, “When I’m driving, why does the moon keep following me?”
  • Initiating letter writing campaign to the folks at Nestlé asking why they can’t make a decent vegetarian Hot Pocket. I mean, how fricking hard should that be?!
  • His torrid affair with Oprah Winfrey friend Gayle King.
  • Sleep, Restart, Shut Down? Sleep, Restart, Shut Down! SLEEP, RESTART, SHUT DOWN?!!!
  • President of Bolivia. That does sound nice…
  • Making sure the upcoming Apple Rubber Chicken is designed juuust riiight.
  • The free Wednesday waffle bar at Caffe Macs.
  • His long-term program to tag-and-release every squirrel on the Apple campus (rudely interrupted from 1985-1997).
  • Trying to figure out how to safely remove that deer tick the size of a grapefruit that’s attached to his back.
  • Leafing through the latest edition of Gentlemen’s Mock Turtleneck and Jeans Quarterly and wondering – again – when they’re going to interview him.
  • All those Cup-O-Puddins just sitting there in his mini-fridge waiting to be eaten.
  • The damn Wii that Joz put in the conference room.
  • Trying to identify that funky smell in his Mercedes. Is it an old yogurt cup under the seat? What the hell is that?
  • The time it’s taking to “mark his territory” on the award money that Apple has to pay those rumor sites before it gets sent out.
  • Finally being able to fully indulge his fetish for diapered astronauts online.
  • Looking for the “wow,” which is somewhere in “the social”… or… uh…
  • Drawing hilariously obtuse schematics for nonexistent products to leak to the rumor sites.
  • Gazing at pictures of Chris Breen’s luxurious hair.
  • Driving around trying to find a place to bury all those dead hookers in the back of his van.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but did say “Dead hookers? Really?”

36 Responses to “Analysts Fear Jobs "Distracted".”

  1. John Student says:

    first! Sweet…

  2. Carl says:

    Is anyone else seeing a Google ad for “pancreatic cancer”? I am, and it’s freaking me out!

  3. Carbonfish says:

    Will it be three or four??

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Three it was, and yes Carl the pancreatic cancer ad is disturbing. I hate ads that don’t say right up front what the going rate is. I wonder how much a case of pancreatic cancer is fetching these days?

  5. Carl says:

    In the spirit of Jobs, I suppose I should try not to let my pancreatic cancer distract me either? Or maybe I should just use my RDF to cause it to become the kind of cancer that’s so benign it actually pays you before removing itself.

  6. moksha says:

    Four, I’m afraid, Carbonfish. You see, my uncle is one of those dead hookers, so I get third rights.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Damn it! It always comes back to nepotism.

  8. Huh? says:

    Great report, but I’m havin’ an off day.

    I got nothin.

    Sorry, John.

  9. What, it’s an ad *FOR* pancreatic cancer? “Get your fine pancreatic cancer from GetPancreaticCancer.com”?

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    The moon follows him too? Wow. I have something in common with THE MAN. Hey, will it be reported here when he figures it out? It’s been keeping me awake through most of the daylight hours for years worrying about that.

    Oh yeah, and I’ve always wondered what the hell “quarter” even is. It’s not on the periodic table anywhere. It’s a conspiracy is what I think. Something to do with Marilyn Monroe being Elvis, who’s still living on the grassy knoll in Area 51. Think about it. Have you ever seen Maury Povich and Jay Leno in the same car?

    I rest my case, my sixpack, my SlimJims, and my brand new unopened bag of Rold Gold Pretzels.

    Wash your hands first.

  11. Carbonfish says:

    Glenn Fleishman Says:

    February 14th, 2007 at 9:33 pm

    What, it’s an ad *FOR* pancreatic cancer? “Get your fine pancreatic cancer from GetPancreaticCancer.com”?

    Yup.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    There’s way too much fodder in this article.

    First, if you have oscillation, it’s rhythmic. There’s no “almost” there.

    Okay, I’ll stop now.

  13. John Moltz says:

    Pedant.

  14. Nxxx says:

    The most important one has been omitted, where did John Moltz originate?

  15. wlao says:

    Hardly something that would distract our Steve, since (if the rumor is true) John Moltz is John Gruber is Steve Jobs…

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    I found ““Where that the case,” said one source,” very distracting and difficult to read.

  17. Hobbs says:

    “The damn Wii that Joz put in the conference room”

    Who is Joz? Relative of Woz? Hybrid of Jobs and Woz?

  18. NWJR says:

    It’s the ponies in the courtyard. All those pretty pink ponies…

  19. UhhhDude says:

    “Distraction For Sale

    Low Priced Distraction Huge Selection!

    eBay.co.uk”

    Nice to know that Distraction is for sale at a low price with a huge selection. On eBay UK, of course.

    I’d post more, but that half-Japanese chick is about to walk by.

    Oh yeah.

  20. Doc Wolfram says:

    I am at a loss for words.

    Oh, and 20!

  21. J0n says:

    Eleventeenth!

    As usual, Mr. Moltz, a fine job!

  22. Yogurt? Yogurt? Yogurt?

    Steven P. Jobs is a Vegan!!!

  23. ZOMGHAX says:

    I don’t blame him, I’d be distracted by those things too.

    Has Kato ever cut a hole in the floor where Jobs was standing? That would be classic.

  24. wlao says:

    Vegan!!

    As in “doesn’t eat anything that has or had tail, paws, head, mouth, brain, backbone and/or intestine, or originates from a such thing”.

    Oh that was a relief.

    For a short moment I thought you meant “Vogon”.

  25. mnkr says:

    there is no largest prime number..

  26. vitamin fortified says:

    These posts have been disturbingly distractive. Doesn’t help that the half-Asian chick keeps walkinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

    Sorry, keeps walking past.

    And Moltz good job. I guess those leather restraints and cattle prods do wonder for your focus.

  27. OMGHAX says:

    mnkr -I assume that’s short for Moniker- just don’t tell that to Steve. He’d be crushed.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    John has cattle prods and leather on his focus? Gracious. I always though a couple of piercings would be plenty. Live and learn.

    Some gummi-worm Waldorf Salad?

  29. John Moltz says:

    He’s not a vegan. He eats fish. You’re awash in Jack Miller’s years-long propaganda campaign!

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    Vegan? I thought he was from the midwest.

    Green Salad Furniture for $100, Alex.

  31. Chris says:

    Makes you wonder if Jobs wife is a vegan too? Maybe that is why he is checking out the half-Japanese chick in accounting (what is her other half… umm… “other”?). I think he heard her saying something about really liking Sausages, and didn’t realize that she had been at a BBQ the day before where they were serving Saags Sausages (try the Chicken Parmesan, they are awesome).

    But lets face it, a nice ass would distract just about any “traditional” males.

    And just as a shout out to AtAT Jack… ohh.. look, something shiny.

  32. Readers Fear Moltz “Distracted”

    Readers wondering why there was no Thursday episode wonder what Moltz was distracted by this time. Something shiny?

  33. Doc Wolfram says:

    No Thursday episode? Probably that half-Japanese chick was reading Vogon poetry again!

    Alex, I’ll take Famous Sayings on the Tera Post for $400.

  34. Doc Wolfram says:

    And good work, MoltZ. You have us, hookers, one-liners, and sinkers.

    Make mine to go. Oh, and with a side of Cheez-Whiz.

  35. monkeys says:

    YOUR SISTER! HAH!

  36. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. My prayers are with everyone to has suffered from this disease. There needs to be more research for this cause!

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