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Apple and Cisco are reportedly in late talks attempting to salvage a deal on the iPhone trademark before the matter heads to court.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has a transcript of the latest meeting that provides a heady look into the head-to-head negotiations between these two technology powerhouses.
APPLE: I have been forced to succumb to your childish attempts to get my attention and I now bring an offer I believe you cannot refuse.
CISCO: Unlikely, as your past entreaties have been as meaningless to my senses as the collected works of Rob Schneider. But speak.
APPLE: Hear now my words and witness your own undoing. $750,000, lunch at the fast-food establishment of your choice and the original cloak and blaster from a 1981 Star Wars Jawa collectible action figure. I know you have the action figure but are missing the cloak and blaster! Ah-ha! I have you!
CISCO: Ha! Again we see that there is nothing you have that I want, whereas something precious to you is in my possession. For I traded the Jawa for a cloak and lightsaber for my Luke Skywalker action figure last week!
APPLE: Blast! That would explain why Google approached me on Monday about the Jawa cloak and blaster.
CISCO: Well, if our business is at an end here…
APPLE: No! Wait.
CISCO: Ah, you have more shiny baubles to dangle before me, as if I were some country bumpkin fresh to the big city?
APPLE: Mock if you will, but consider this: $1,000,000, a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and an original Major Matt Mason action figure, with his internal wires all still intact! Now, give me the iPhone trademark!
CISCO: Does he still have his helmet? And is there any paint chipping?
APPLE: He does have his helmet but there is some light chipping around the buttocks.
CISCO: Unacceptable. Clearly this means more to you than it does to me. You must do better.
APPLE: Very well. I have saved the best for last. $1,500,000, a huge bucket of delicious kettle corn and a 1978 issue of the Space: 1999 comic book pencilled by none other than the legendary John Byrne! Bagged and boarded! Let’s make a deal!
CISCO: Mmm. No. No. Byrne’s work has not aged well as the influence of Japanese anime has improved the medium. I grow tired of these discussions and wish to watch Adult Swim.
APPLE: No! It is I who grow tired and wish to retire to my fainting couch and have my feet massaged by bisexual Thai handmaidens!
CISCO: Ooh! I want that, too! And Adult Swim!
APPLE: Well, at least on this we agree.
CISCO: But I still don’t want you to use “iPhone”.
APPLE: Damn you to hell!
CISCO: Ha-ha! I’m the anthropomorphization of a soulless commercial and legal construct known as the corporation! I hardly think that’s going to happen!
APPLE: Still, your torments will be long and painful, wherever they are carried out.
CISCO: Oh, you say that to everyone who sues you.
APPLE: [sigh] Perhaps.
CISCO: Hmm. Well… let me see the Major Matt Mason.
APPLE: I… don’t have him on me…
CISCO: Oh, come on! It’s like you’re not even trying!
Apple and Cisco were reportedly last seen at a Shakey’s, arguing over what toppings to get on a pizza they were splitting.