Jobs Continues To Express Himself.

When Apple CEO Steve Jobs came out against DRM two weeks ago, Apple fans cheered.

When Jobs lit into teachers’ unions last week, some Apple fans supported him while others said he had gone too far.

Now Jobs has pushed the envelope even further. In an 18-page diatribe, the mercurial Apple CEO hauled off on kittens today, sparking another round of controversy.

Here’s a small sample:

Cats, while destructive and useless in nearly every other regard, at least have the singular advantage that you can train them to poop in a box. Not so with kittens.

They are worthless. A blight upon humanity. If Apple did not have to fear an expensive lawsuit from the powerful and criminal kitten-lovers lobby, I would direct it to develop technologies aimed at eradicating these vermin from the face of the earth.

I, personally, have created preliminary schematics for several devices that would incinerate kittens through the use of highly concentrated photon beams. I implore the Bush administration, the U.S. Congress, the Massachussetts Institute of Technology, the Jet Propulsion Laboratories and the Anti-Kitten League to devote all of their funding to researching these vital technologies. Once designed, Apple will happily produce them for free.

Imagine a world without these sofa-scratching, mewling terrorists that can barely hold up their freakishly big-eyed heads.

That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

While most denounced Jobs’ most recent statement, some Apple fans actually came out in support of it.

“Kittens are evil little stuffed socks that move,” said Mac user Sam Marcus. “Long have I waited for someone to speak out against these tiny monsters.

“Although, I wish he’d have said something about when the new iMacs are coming out. I mean, should I buy one now or wait? C’mon, Steve, throw me a bone, here.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs is not finished expressing himself and in the coming weeks is expected to go off on other normally inviolate targets such as cocoa, oxygen, and the nape of Jennifer Connelly’s neck.

52 thoughts on “Jobs Continues To Express Himself.”

  1. Hah! I meant two, as in second first. Second first? Something doesn’t sound quite right about that.

    Back to the Gin. Nice to have a secretary from London that pays me for personal computer service with bottles of Tanquera.

    And my 4 cats are not amused….

  2. My favorite use of the word “mewling” is in the original “Thing (from another planet).” Damn, that’s a great movie. It always made me want to get my hands on some thermite and try to melt something out of a huge chunk of ice.

  3. But remind me how “mewling” was used in the Thing. I haven’t seen that in ages. I like the ’80s version, too.

  4. It is time!

    Loose the kittens of war!

    Rain down upon our enemies a mewling wrath!

    BRING FORTH A….

    …wait a minute. I like dogs.

    Never mind.

  5. Mewling Tags. That would be a great name for a band.

    I’m wondering if anyone has bounced this off of FSJ. I wonder if President Jobs will enact a moratorium on kittens. Federally funded neutering? A bounty on cats in general? I’m also wondering if we can get him to ban the phrase, “that’s why they pay me the big bucks.”

    Where subtlety fails, we must resort to cream pies.

  6. For just this once, Jobs has got it right, otherwise the guy is a total failure.

    HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please get me exorcised. Been taken over by a Vista undead.

  7. I always thought Jobs to be an ultra-liberal pussy, but standing up against the evils of teaching unions and now cats, proves he really is a man after all. Whoda thunk it? Maybe next he can admit AL Gore made up most of that crap in “An Inconvenient Truth”?

  8. I once witnessed someone step on a small kitten. I can attest to them being evil small stuffed socks that move!

  9. Isn’t her name Jennifer Frickin’ Connolly anymore?

    Del’s kitten squad may have gotten a little out of control last week, but Steve shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, blaming all kittens for the sins of a few.

    I’ll have Dinner for Two at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe for $35, Alex.

  10. The chink in the kittens armour is it’s fondness for a ball of wool.

    Wait long enough and they’ll get all tangled up. Then place them on a kicking tee and boot them as far as you can.

    Smaller kittens can be hit with a golf club.

  11. “Turning around, his face changes to one of horror. He jumps up, makes for the door, pulls out his revolver and fires off several shots as he goes. A mewling sound, like that of a cat being stuffed into a tuba is all we hear from The Thing. Barnes stumbles into the hallway and runs screaming into the Mess.”

  12. Kittens have always had that evil look on me, like they read in my mind what I would like to do with those little bastards.

    And someone used that word “stuff”.

    My, ten years of therapy gone with the wind. Twelve steps again, in that Kitten-Stuffing-Addicted Anonymous.

    Hello, my name is Scared Monster, and I like pretending things, and stuff kittens.

  13. When we had our first kid, my wife used to express herself and store the breast milk in the fridge. I had to be careful not to use it in my coffee.

  14. It won’t be long before Jobs speaks out against ponies. And where will we all be then?

    Plus, it’s spelled “Connelly.” How are you gonna find all the good pictures online by misspelling her name?

  15. It’s “eradicating”, not “irradicating”. Unless “irradicating” means “eradicating by irradiating”. Now that would be cool.

  16. Nobody even mentioned the smell. You always know when you’re in a cat house.

    MS has taken a position on not having Mista on Until Macs but has said nothing on cats or kittens.

    Steve has taken the high ground on this issue.

    I remember someone had a cat named Hillary. Which give rise to the saying- “Who’s been sleeping in my bed”

  17. We had a kitten once.

    I still have scars.

    White with black spots. We should have named it Cow.

    Instead we named it “Stir Fry” We figure the name was enough of a warning.

    It wasn’t.

    Mmmmm stir fry.

  18. mmmmmm neko oishi des ne!

    especially with a nice plum sauce

  19. Jon,

    Boric acid is innocuous. They use it for irrigating eyes. Boring. Now aqua regia is an acid to die for!

    I’ll take Spaceships of Literature for $42, Alex.

  20. While that stint I did in the Adams family was ok, it was getting to make Willford Brimley freak out that really brought home how much I love Hollywood.

    Come here, gimme a kiss.

  21. Ace beat me to it, I also thought her name was Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly, (especially in the Hulk when she looked…uh, never mind…), so John, be sure to add that phrase to a Find/Replace combo for your site. Her middle name really is Frickin’ with those eyes that…damn, there I go again.

  22. Shouldn’t that be “Jennifer Freaking Connolly?” When you skip her middle name, I don’t know who you’re talking about. Like, who would know who Anna Smith is without the Nicole?

  23. OMG! KITTIES!!!

    I’ll take this all seriously when the dog walkers clean their pets’ crap out of my front yard.

    “Hey! You kids get your dog out of my damn yard!!!”

    I’m filling-in for Cranky Old Guy today.

  24. Anna Smith….hmmm, nope, doesn’t ring a bell. As for the recently deceased Anna Nicole Smith, I saw her name mentioned more as just Anna Nicole. No Smith. Like she was pals with everyone. Of course, she certainly looked that way in those photos with the immigration head of state of the Bahamas… If our immigration people took the same stance, America would be full of beautiful Mexican girls only… None of which compare to Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly’s nape of the neck….just so we get things in perpective here.

  25. I’ll have to let you in on the “Inside Story”. The Ninja Kitten’s contract expired last week and Steve never renewed it. I think he was feeling a little cocky over the iPhone thing. I mean you send a squad of Ninja Kittens over to Cisco and of course you get the iPhone name.

    The Kittens don’t share all their info with me, but I’ve heard rumors that Google was looking for a little extra muscle. Plus the Kittens have been bringing home lots of Blue, Green, Red and Yellow swag.

  26. Meanwhile in Cupertino…

    Sally the Persian Blue has disguised herself as a coon skin cap. In a boardroom a high powered exectutive’s mind wanders while an obese financial officer drones on about budgets and how there’s no room for a “kitten killing device”. Enough already Oppi. Man I wish I was outta here and up at the cabin shooting me some squirrel. Mmmmm squirrel on a stick, now them’s g…

    To be continued….

  27. Express yourself

    (You’ve got to make him)

    Express himself

    Hey, hey, hey, hey

    So if you want it right now, make him —

    Oh, sorry. Got carried away there.

  28. John,

    Sorry I didn’t stick around to remind you about “mewling” in the “Thing”. Here it is.

    Remember when they left the poor airman shut up in the store-room with the thing frozen in the block of ice, and he gets creeped out because the ice is starting to clear so he tosses an electric blanket over it, but the blanket is still plugged in and melts the ice and releases the thing from the ice?

    Well, when the alarm is raised and the Captain is trying to get the story out of the hysterical airman about what happened in there, the airman babbles that he looked up and saw the thing standing there and he shot it a couple of times and it just made this “horrible sound like a cat mewling” or something like that.

    I only have the movie on video tape and I no longer have a VCR, so I can’t check the dialog exactly. But it’s been awhile since I’ve seen it and it’s a great movie, so maybe I’ll rent the DVD this week-end.

  29. then why does apple name their operating system after cats if mr. jobs loathes cats. should a future os x be named kitten? vice versa humans could be just as delicious play food for large cats depending where in the world do you live? maybe we can forget about animal rights in the jungle insects are supreme in the rain forest and humans make just as good an appetizer for insects.

  30. I own a kitten, I think, It might be the other way round. I’m not quite sure. The little monster craps all over the place, and climbs up my pants™ and sits on my shoulder™ like a parrot, wagging her tail like a dog™, and when i stroke her belly (although i’m not quite sure why i would want to do that) she attacks my hand, bites and scratches and causes mayhem in general. So far, I’m with Steve. My kitten, however, is an adamant Mac lover. Whenever she sees an opportunity, she will sit on the keyboard of my MacBook, making work virtually impossible (you understand that currently she is locked away otherwise this would have looked like34wq222fguyeuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  31. Apple uses the names of much larger cats such as “Jaguar” and “Leopard” as code names for Mac OS X development projects. Unlike the common household vermin that infest the houses of lonely people who need a animal to provide the routine abuse or neglect that they would otherwise recieve at the hands of a vicious and psychotic boyfriend or girlfriend, the larger cats have the advantage of remaining, for the most part, far removed from any human habitation.

    -jcr

  32. heh … mewling … sounds like some alien species on Star Trek.

    “The Borg have been seen near the Mewling homeworld.”

    I’ll take “damn it captain, I’m a doctor not a mewling” for $500 Alex.

  33. I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding Jobs Continues To Express Himself., but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong 🙂

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