Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today – all iPhone, all the time!
Q: I am, of course, going to get an iPhone the moment they’re available. Mostly because of the interface and the feature set. But also… um… I’ve heard… well, it’s widely rumored that… uh, the iPhone will have a noticeably positive effect on… uh… the size of my…
Q: My package.
A: Your junk?
Q: My stuff.
A: Your unit?
Q: My family jewels.
A: Your hey, now, how do ya do?
Q: My meat and potatoes.
A: Your frank and beans?
Q: My bangers and mash.
A: Your cucumber salad?
Q: My freeway and onramps.
A: Your Wallace and Gromit?
Q: My catalytic… My “Wallace and Gromit”?
A: Yeah. Your tube sock.
Q: Ah! My trouser luggage!
A: Your soap on a rope!
Q: My hard drive!
A: Your roll of mints!
Q: My… uh… braunschweiger…?
A: Your… um… bakery-fresh cruller?
Q: Uh… sure. So, anyway, is that true?
A: Uh… what was the question?
Q: I was hoping you would remember.
Q: I’m kind of interested in the iPhone, but I have some concerns.
A: Lay ’em on me.
Q: OK, well, it looks awfully slippery. Is it going to slip out of my hand all the time? I can’t afford to buy one every month, you know.
A: Never fear. Already there are several third-party solutions in the works that will make it less slippery. Griffin Technologies, for instance, is going to make a 40-grit sandpaper that you can use to put some really nice grooves into your iPhone.
Q: Oh. OK. That sounds good.
A: Should give you a nice grip.
Q: And possibly void my warranty.
A: Uh… yeah. And that.
Q: But I’m also concerned about heat. It seems like the iPhone’s probably going to run a little hot and I’m worried about having it pressed up against my face for a long time.
A: Oh, don’t worry about that. Kensington is going to make a Bluetooth crotch adapter.
Q: A what?
A: You put your iPhone in your pants and then you just use a Bluetooth headset.
Q: You mean I put my iPhone in my pants pocket, right?
A: No. In your pants.
Q: Why would I do that?
A: Uh, to use the Bluetooth headset? Helloooo?
A: Also, it keeps your junk warm.
Q: Oh, let’s not go there again.
A: Um… OK.
Q: I’ve got a concern I haven’t seen addressed in any of the literature I’ve read about the iPhone so far.
Q: If I’m holding the unit up to my head and my hand is covering most of it, how are people going to know I’m using an iPhone?
A: Well, that is going to be a problem. How do you effectively project your iPhone user status to the masses?
A: I don’t have an Apple-endorsed answer or a third-party solution for you here, but I can tell you what I intend to do.
Q: What’s that?
A: Work it into the conversation.
A: Well, let’s say I’m calling my buddy to see what time we’re meeting at a bar. I ring him up and I say as loudly as I can “Hey, man, I just wanted to call you on MY IPHONE to see what time we’re meeting for beers.”
Q: Oh, yeah! So, like, “Hey, Gloria, I just got MY NEW APPLE IPHONE and I wanted to call you on MY NEW APPLE IPHONE so you’d be the first to know that I HAVE SYPHILIS!“
Q: Kind of like that, right?
A: Uhh… I don’t think you need to emphasize that last part.
Q: Oh, but the people at the clinic were very specific about that. “Make sure she knows it’s syphilis,” they said.
A: Oh. OK. But does everyone else need to know?
Q: Um… I didn’t ask them that.