26 Feb 07Editorial: Where's My Fricking Second iPhone?

I know everyone’s wound up about the AppleTV delay that was announced today, but I’d like to talk to you about another Apple product that we haven’t seen yet.

You will remember that late last year it was widely konfirmed that the iPhone would be quickly followed by a second iPhone with special features of some kind or another.

I don’t really remember what they were and it’s not really germane to this argument. What’s important is that Apple has failed to deliver.

And, no, “konfirmed” is not a typo. That’s how we spell it on the Apple rumor business.

Because, well, “confirmed” would technically be innacurate. But, as part of the rumor site code of ethics, a story can only be run once it has been “konfirmed”, which means that it has been sourced by not one but a minimum of two anonymous emails. Or Slashdot posts. Either one.

Or Crazy Larry who lives under the freeway bridge. He’s good.

But it’s high time that Apple admit that rumor sites, like the Pope, are infallible.

“Oh, come on, Moltz,” you say. “Infallible?

“The Pope’s not infallible.”

Well, look, that’s really between you and the Catholic Church – I’m not getting into that – but I can assure you that rumor sites are infallible, regardless of your feelings on the Papacy, Vatican II or the teachings of Mel Gibson.

How does this work? Let’s say I write that Apple is going to come out with an update to the Newton. If Apple then releases an update to the Newton, I’m right and I get a job blogging for ZDNet. If Apple doesn’t release an update to the Newton, I simply say that an angry Steve Jobs cancelled the project when it was reported on a rumor site and I get a job blogging for ZDNet.

Either way, I get a job blogging for ZDNet and I’m living the rich life, hanging out in the luxurious ZDNet bloggers lounge with George Ou and going on beer runs with Jason O’Grady!

Wait a minute, why the hell would I want to do that?

I’m assuming they pay those goofballs, but it’d have to be an awful lot to make it…

Anwyay, the point is, Apple, you’re gonna release a second iPhone. It’s already been konfirmed, so let’s have it.

C’mon.

I don’t have all day.

Now would be a good time.

Nnnnnn…

Nnnnnn…

NOW!

OK, no, really.

I’ll just be sitting over here minding my own business.

La-la-la-la-la…

Just wa-tching Heroes

La-la…

NOW!

OK, look, I can do this all day, so…

NOW!

Well, fine. If that’s the way you want it, Apple.

Look for our exclusive report tomorrow entitled “ANGRY, BITTER STEVE JOBS CANCELS SECOND IPHONE!”

As soon as we get it konfirmed, of course.

33 Responses to “Editorial: Where's My Fricking Second iPhone?”

  1. Carbonfish says:

    What do you think would be the next technological step up from the first iPhone? A zipper instead of one button maybe??

    Or not…

  2. Don of Doom says:

    Third! Can’t believe I got top five! My life is complete!

    Time to read the article now and experience a Moltz Moment……

  3. John Student says:

    4?

  4. OMGHAKZ says:

    What I want to know is when will The Dark Templar reach Char! Ahem, I mean I want to know about the second iPhone too. Gosh, it seems like the Overmind I mean Steve just doesn’t care anymore! Just ask Tassadar!

  5. Loose Leaf says:

    I think Apple will skip the zipper and move straight to Velcro®. The model after that will just read your mind, kinda like the sexbots.

    Now where did I hide those KangaROOS.

  6. OMGHAX says:

    BTW, If you look on the right hand side of the page, you’ll see that Amazon is selling Jaguar… for 300 bucks! Now that’s righteous. They’re finally giving Jaguar the respekt it deserves.

    The Pope is dope. Alexander Pope, that is.

  7. carrowsmith says:

    6th … or so. Wow, Moltz posting so late after Heroes really pays off for us Aussies.

  8. disgruntled cynic says:

    Read the article, followed the link and read that old news, put some em tags around the word “that” and still got top 10.

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    There’s no ‘e’ at the end of german you know.

  10. His Steveness says:

    The ‘e’ at the end of germane has just been konfirmed 😉

  11. redeyebase says:

    oh no i missed the top 10. sheesh, what’s a frigtard to do?

  12. Open Moko FTW.

    BTW I hear that O’Grady teabags himself all day long. Kan you konfirm that?

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Hegel can but Kant kan’t.

  14. buthidae says:

    Moltz, I’m sure you’ve heard about the G6 dual-core PPC Powerbook they’re releaseing tomorrow, and if you haven’t, then you probably haven’t heard that it will be the only release tomorrow.

    You may want to retract your post stating “behind-the-scenes changes at Apple” before it’s too late.

  15. Nxxx says:

    John,

    Sit down. Try and relax. Bite a towel. Now concentrate.

    Con: shortened form of ‘Confidence Trick’.

    Firm: shortened form of ‘Firmative’ meaning proven, approved.

    Therefore ‘confirm’ means an approved confidence trick and is an accurate description.

    Quod erat demonstrandum, as the Greeks say.

  16. GroovyBrent says:

    NOW!

  17. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    that second iPhone will be the new widescreen iPod, except it will have 10 times the memory and can play any game from any non-cellular architecutre (pardon the pun) gaming system.

    In all seriousness, the iPhone raises a dilemma: On the one hand you have your iPhone and desktop. Great – you have the communications and entertainment media functionality when you’re mobile and a workstation when you’re not. But what about laptop users? If they can use the same wireless, what’s the pull of having an iPhone? Their work goes with them, and they can use said media on a much bigger screen (even if it won’t fit in you pocket). Personally, I hardly ever use my iPod outside of driving and working out now that I have my laptop where before it was always with me and playing most of the day.

    What does Moltzy have on this one, hmmm? Unless this iPhone has sexbots functionality, I’m not “confirming” any rumors in my book.

  18. Anonymous Coward says:

    As an anonymous source, I can Konfirm that Moltz is dead on regarding the updated Newton. The name is changed however, to iPhone Pro. You heard it here first. Of course, the website is already taken (http://iphonepro.com). Hello lawsuit!

    Either that or Moltz is just wrong. I kan’t Konfirm that though.

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    First to use the term “facility specific.”

    What do you mean there isn’t a second phone? What was the one in the commercial? That wasn’t the same one from the keynote. Was it? I mean. Jobs has his own, right?

    Hey. Can you make your thumb do this?

  20. OMGHAX says:

    It’s an ambiguous case! Is theta seventy seven degrees, or 103? Which makes more sense?

  21. Huh? says:

    fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble

    fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble

    fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble fluurble

    I have no idea what to make of that, but my Pantsâ„¢ have approved this message.

  22. kingthedestroyer says:

    Kan’t Moltz Know he Keeps Kanselling the Kumimg release of the iSexbot 2.0 with his Kontinous and Kantankerous Kastigations of Apple inK.

    I’ll take Konsonant Kurruption for the hell of it Alex._

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    I have Mr. Moltz’ second iPhone right here.

    He or one of his goons is welcome to try to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

    Actually my hands aren’t dead; that’s just an expression. They are cold, however.

  24. OMGHAX says:

    Put on some mittens.

  25. Biff Whammy says:

    An editorial? I wasn’t expecting that. Is CARS going to start accepting contributing opinion pieces, too? I’m sure the Fake Thomas Friedman would have something to contribute. Once somebody grabs fakethomas.blogspot.com, of course.

    Not that I’m a big Thomas Friedman fan, or anything. I just love the porn ‘stache.

  26. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay, work with me here. If there were two iPhones, wouldn’t that mean, statistically speaking, that there would have to be a punctuation mark that means “everything in the preceding sentence is sarcastic horseshit” and another one for general disbelief?

    Think about it. And just who the hell is Howard K. Stern, anyway?

  27. Shade says:

    Hm… Heroes… Good show. I think we should have a special or something with the a couple of the characters for the Crazy Apple Help Desk. That’s just me, cause, ya know, it’d be kinda interesting to have Mrs. Hyde as one of the people calling, with the split personality going and everything.

  28. Chris says:

    I want to see Hiro as a speshall guest host for the hilp desk.

    I believe someone is currently using the second iPhone as their electric toothbrush.

    Matt Parkman would be a good guest host for the help desk as well, since he could read your mind before you even asked the question.

    Are you on the list?

    Chris

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