Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: I just bought a Mac Pro last week and I got the optional bologna drive.

A: Oh,

Q: Exactly. The problem I’m having, though, is that it smells like frying bologna in here now. Blech. Isn’t there a way to burn to bologna without the smell?

A: Ha-ha! Did you just say “burn to bologna”?! Ha-ha!

Q: Uh, well, yes. That’s what the option is called.

A: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Q: Um… OK. But, the smell…

A: Oh, man! Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha!

Q: You, uh…

A: “Burn to bologna!” Ah…

Q: Um, you know…

A: Man, I bet it smells in there.

Q: That’s what I said!

Q: My mouse failed on me the other day and I was looking around because I thought I had a spare mouse but I couldn’t find it. Not in the drawer of USB stuff. Not in the bucket of former peripherals. But in looking around, I did find a wad of pimento loaf behind my desk, so I though, well, what the hell, I’ll try the pimento loaf. And you know what?

A: Oh, my god! It worked?!

Q: What? No. No. It didn’t. I mean, c’mon. It’s an old wad of pimento loaf.

A: Oh.

Q: I’m not even sure if a fresh wad of pimento loaf can be used as a mouse. And now I have pimento loaf in my USB connector.

A: And you want to know how to get that out.

Q: No, I just sucked it out.

A: Oh. Then why are you calling?

Q: What? I thought you called me.

A: Huh?

Q: What?

A: Uh…

Q: Huh?

A: Er… um…

Q: Wha-huh?

Q: My girlfriend has an iMac that she dropped when she was moving and it’s got a long crack in it now.

A: Ooh.

Q: Yeah. So, what I want to know is, can I fill it with pressed turkey loaf?

A: Pressed turkey loaf?

Q: Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty much the same color.

A: Uh, yeah, but it’s meat.

Q: So?

A: It’s going to start to decay. And attract bugs. And… ew.

Q: Huh. Yeah. But other than that… no problem, right?

A: Well, isn’t that enough? You really think it’s OK to fix your girlfriend’s iMac with meat?

Q: Um… yyyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnooooo?

A: Dude.

Q: We haven’t been going out that long!

A: Ah, well, that explains why you’re not splurging on unprocessed turkey.

Q: Oh, I’m totally not ready for that level of commitment.

A: Uhn-huh.

58 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Wow. Where is everybody? Didja catch ’em by surprise with an early post?

    The luster of first grows dingy when there’s no competition.

  2. If a first post falls in the woods and no one is there to read it, does it still indicate I have no life?

  3. Has anybody ever gotten ALL of the first eleven posts? Maybe I could salvage the evening with that…

  4. Just so I’m not completely off topic, I will just say that I prefer my meat unprocessed although the right kind of pressing can be a nice change of pace.

  5. Jeez. I expected that by now John would’ve posted to tell me to knock it off.

  6. I was only kidding about the first eleven thing. Originally. But now… It’s becoming a temptation.

  7. OK. If nobody’s going to stop me, I can’t be held fully responsible. There were warning signs that could have been heeded.

  8. Maybe I’ll just post this one and one more to set up eleven and then walk away.

  9. Man, can’t a guy watch What Not To Wear in peace?



    I’m totally not watching What Not To Wear.

  10. Oh hey! I got THIRTEEN though. Never mind. That’s waaaaaay better.

    By the way John, great work. Heavily processed food products are always funny.

  11. I don’t know about meat ‘n Macs but I just saw a movie about a guy with a meatPod(TM). It was some sort of commentary on the failures of the pizza delivery system and the prevalence of bored naked women in our nation.

  12. I”ve considered this new sausage fetish, and I guess I’m okay with it. Just as long as we avoid gratuitous references to pasteurized process American cheese and K-Fed.

    First to use the term: “Compton Scattering.”

  13. I want a Mac Pro that can really burn. Like a big incendiary defoliant projector. With conroe architecture. Because then you could burn CDs, DVDs, HD-DVDs, Blu-Ray Discs, Holographic Storage prototypes, a loaf of cornbread… The possibilities are endless!

    Oh wait, wasn’t the iFlame invented here already? Before my time I suppose.

    I’ll take “This isn’t trendy anymore” for 2 new CARS memes, please.

  14. By the way disgruntled cynic, I believe Anastasios Booby Chalceodon or whatever holds that record.

  15. C’mon, everyone knows that when you put bologna into the drive you set it to fry, not burn.


    BTW OMGHAX, one word for you.


    And for everyone else. I’ve got TWO words for ya!


    Oooo… Shiny!

    No, wait. That wasn’t it.


    I’m just going to go press my meat now.

  16. I remember that in my irresponsible youth I occasionally would partake of a pressed duck dish at the Yen Ching restaurant a block off Burnside. I thought it was magical that duck could be made edible by mere mortals. And it goes without saying (but not this time) that “them’s good eatin’.”

    Sorry, Daffy. You too, Donald. But not you, Howard.

  17. John, I know you are SOOO setting Schiller to get a visit from Stacey and Clinton. I can just see Clinton now, telling Phil that he needs to dress like the CEO of some pacific north west technology company that shall remain nameless….

    … well, dress more like that and wear some antiperspirant.

    Another classic scene might be where they come to visit Huh and they tell him that he has to get rid of all of his Pants©®™ because they are out of style. Then Huh has to suffer the humiliation of watching Stacey and CLinton rip his Pants©®™ in two and throw them in the trash!!!

    Not that I have ever seen that show.

    Well maybe once, but I was young, drunk and stupid.

  18. The weirdest thing happened to me today. I tried calling a number for tech support, and I kept getting a deli instead. They kept telling me they had a special on head cheese this week.

    My biggest concern at this point, is how long of a shelf like does the burned bologna have on it before the discs become unreadable? inedible?

    I am still waiting on the Mac Pro with the integrated bacon cooker. Instead of very cool processors, you get the ultra hot ones. This way you can just run your bacon over the cpu heat sinks, and in a few minutes have juicy strips of the other white meat that can be consumed for breakfast lunch and dinner!

    I’ll take “know you meat byproducts” for 1200 Alex.

  19. Not bologna… what about SPAM?

    “And now, more about perking up your meals with Spamâ„¢, the meat of many uses. Do you realize that Spamâ„¢ has become one of the nation’s most economical, time-saving and delicious meal-time aids? Well, here’s the reason. Spamâ„¢, S-P-A-M, is grand-tasting meat, a perfect blend of pure pork shoulder with ham meat added, cooked and seasoned according to Spamâ„¢’s carefully guarded formula. Now, the reason you serve certain kinds of food is because they taste good, and they’re good for you. Spamâ„¢ has both delicious flavor and quality, plus the fact that you can serve it cold just as it comes from the can, bake it, fry it, dice it, or slice it. Try Spamâ„¢, try one new way to serve this meat of many uses tomorrow. Just ask your food dealer for Spamâ„¢, a Hormel product, when you shop tomorrow. Use the simple easy recipes on the label of the Spamâ„¢ can, and you’re all set to give you family good food for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Remember, cold or hot, Spamâ„¢ hits the spot!”

    (from The Spam Show, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen, October 7, 1940, played on an authentic slice of Spam that is still as fresh and attractive today as it was 67 years ago when it was first recorded. And that was before they had these fancy-pants computer-thingys to use, let me remind you! It’s darn hard to find a working Spam-reproducing device after all these years…)

  20. Why oh why can’t we accomplish data compression using unprocessed, organically raised, vegetables. I hate to see perfectly good byproducts wasted in such a way.

  21. I’ve heard that the data density of Spamâ„¢ is greater than that of your typical carrot or squash (although I agree that growing a vegetable organically does leave available binding sites that would typically be used with the yummy pesticides that most vegetables have).

    Plus the Spamâ„¢ retains the shape of a disc indefinitely, even through the “burning” process and pops out of the CD slot intact, whereas the veggies may become soft and mushy upon heating/burning them.

    Dried veggies, on the other hand, might work better, but they also shrink a bit in the drying process. And they have to be stored in a dry environment. Spamâ„¢? You can put it anywhere, and it won’t mind. Even the ants leave it alone.

  22. “Compton scattering?” Dammit, Rip, now I know someone’s tracking me.

    Screw it. I’m calling dibs on:

    Radioactive ion beams.

    Proton-induced fission.


    Isotope separation on-line.

    Radio frequency quadrupole.

    Drift tube linear accelerator.

    In-beam spectroscopy.

    Photoelectric effect.

    Pair production.

    High-purity germanium.

    Compton shielding.

    Doppler correction.

    Bremsstrahlung (and the suppression thereof).

    Okay, I’m fine now. I’d say more, but I might start giving things away.

  23. Thermite! That’s it! I can now turn anything to a pit of molten iron slag! Although, a little explodey action would be nice. Maybe cyclotrimethylenetrinitramine. Plasticized. In linear shaped charge form. I like typing lots of buzzwords.

  24. Dye sublimation. Exuberant stupidity. Cognitive dissonance. Blind anthropocentrism. Military intelligence. Corporate malfeasance. Creeping nonchalance.

  25. Stochastic radiosity? Ambient occlusion. Ghostface culling. Uranium tamper. Alpha decay. Supersonic deflagration. Supercavitating torpedo. Super-Duper supercollider. Electron eccentricity. Italicized interrobang. Alliterated verbiage.


  26. Ace Deuce,

    Military intelligence followed by corporate malfeasance? An oxymoron and redundancy in the same sentence cancel each other out, leaving only a few other words. I was coming to a point, but as usual I forgot what it was.

  27. Sublimated, eccentricized and deflagged burned bologna on a stick! Them’s good eatin’

  28. I developed a great idea where you take pressed meat products (bologna actually works pretty well but I had no luck with spam, probably because it makes me puke), burn data to it on your Mac and consume it (the meat, not the Mac). Before you know it, you have all the knowledge put upon the meat! I learned the entire history of a culture of people …

    … then I had to use the bathroom and quickly forgot it all. Damn, I was gonna patent this idea.

    Anyone have any ideas about how to get pressed meat products to stay in the digestive track forever? Maybe not forever, I guess 50 or 60 years would do the trick.

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