Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today, pressed meats!
Q: I just bought a Mac Pro last week and I got the optional bologna drive.
A: Oh, awesome! So you can burn backups to pressed meat products?!
Q: Exactly. The problem I’m having, though, is that it smells like frying bologna in here now. Blech. Isn’t there a way to burn to bologna without the smell?
A: Ha-ha! Did you just say “burn to bologna”?! Ha-ha!
Q: Uh, well, yes. That’s what the option is called.
Q: Um… OK. But, the smell…
A: Oh, man! Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha!
Q: You, uh…
A: “Burn to bologna!” Ah…
Q: Um, you know…
A: Man, I bet it smells in there.
Q: That’s what I said!
Q: My mouse failed on me the other day and I was looking around because I thought I had a spare mouse but I couldn’t find it. Not in the drawer of USB stuff. Not in the bucket of former peripherals. But in looking around, I did find a wad of pimento loaf behind my desk, so I though, well, what the hell, I’ll try the pimento loaf. And you know what?
A: Oh, my god! It worked?!
Q: What? No. No. It didn’t. I mean, c’mon. It’s an old wad of pimento loaf.
Q: I’m not even sure if a fresh wad of pimento loaf can be used as a mouse. And now I have pimento loaf in my USB connector.
A: And you want to know how to get that out.
Q: No, I just sucked it out.
A: Oh. Then why are you calling?
Q: What? I thought you called me.
A: Er… um…
Q: My girlfriend has an iMac that she dropped when she was moving and it’s got a long crack in it now.
Q: Yeah. So, what I want to know is, can I fill it with pressed turkey loaf?
A: Pressed turkey loaf?
Q: Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty much the same color.
A: Uh, yeah, but it’s meat.
A: It’s going to start to decay. And attract bugs. And… ew.
Q: Huh. Yeah. But other than that… no problem, right?
A: Well, isn’t that enough? You really think it’s OK to fix your girlfriend’s iMac with meat?
Q: Um… yyyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnooooo?
Q: We haven’t been going out that long!
A: Ah, well, that explains why you’re not splurging on unprocessed turkey.
Q: Oh, I’m totally not ready for that level of commitment.