Apple TV Saves Little Girl’s Life.

Seen by some as having been given short shrift at January’s Macworld keynote, the Apple TV has recently been pumped up by speculation that it will be an industry-changing device that could beat Netflix and TiVo and will be more important than the iPhone.

As if that weren’t enough, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple’s digital media hub cemented its own legendary status by pulling a 3-year-old Oklahoma girl from a well over the weekend.

Little Kimberly McCain was playing with her cocker spaniel puppy (also present may have been butterflies, a pony and several characters from the Berenstain Bears) in her yard (which was covered in flowers) when she tripped (possibly over a kitten) and plunged 40 feet (which really should have killed her) into ankle-deep water (that may or may not have contained the trash compactor monster from Star Wars).

According to MacJournals editor and Oklahoma resident Matt Deatherage – who arrived at the scene after the incident, hoping the Apple TV was his and had simply been delivered to the wrong address – “McCain spent several hours calling for help while all the animals and animated characters just kind of stumbled around dumbly. This just confirms my long-held suspicion that Berenstain Bears are completely useless in an emergency.”

Asked where her parents were during this period, police chief Randall Phelps noted that McCain was an orphan, her parents having been killed last year in a freak zeppelin accident.

Turning and looking quizzically at McCain’s house, Phelps said “I don’t know if she’s been living here by herself since then or what. The whole thing is kind of weird, if you ask me. Like it wasn’t well thought out or something.”

McCain’s cries were eventually heard by a KOCO-TV Channel 5 news team that happened to be patrolling the area looking for white children that had fallen into wells. Within the hour, over 400 members of the media had gathered around the well. Police and firefighters pulled up shortly thereafter.

As authorities were admonishing themselves for not bringing any rope or a ladder, the Apple TV appeared on the scene.

“It was a white and chrome streak of toddler-saving hardware!” said firefighter Greg Murkowski. “It looped an HDMI cable over the railing of the well, jumped into it and lassoed little Kimberly with a component video cable and pulled her up. I have never seen anything like it in all of my two and a half months as a firefighter.”

The Apple TV also entertained the gathered media and emergency response teams by streaming the latest episode of Heroes to a 42-inch plasma television screen it was attached to.

“That’s a darn good show,” Murkowski noted. “I may have to tape that on my VHS.”

Before it left to be delivered to its rightful owner, the Apple TV reunited McCain with her parents who actually hadn’t been killed but had amnesia which the unit cured by virtue of being so shiny.

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren said “That is so like the Apple TV.”

50 thoughts on “Apple TV Saves Little Girl’s Life.”

  1. All this time I thought the Berenstain Bears would be teh awesome in a toddler-in-the-well scenario.

    Look how wrong you can be.

    No whammies.

  2. Wow! That was very funny John. I’m just curious as to what prompted you to write this kind of piece? Your mind would make for some very interesting research.

  3. No, in an emergency you need your stereotypical family/house saving pet, such as Lassie, or Benji…

  4. The MPAA is incensed, however, as this unauthorized use of an HDMI cable is not compliant with the HDCP protocol.

    “And don’t get me started on component video,” said an MPAA spokes-being. “Why does such a thing even exist? It’s unholy! There is no built-in copy protection at all.

    “Apple’s going to pay, oh, yes. Mark my words. EVERYBODY’s going to pay!”

  5. Isn’t it strange when the people in a story know that their author has a few screws loose and is grasping at straws? It must be a hard life to lead.

    Oh yeah: Umpteenth!aaa

  6. John,

    You are coming to your peak. The North-West’s Blake, America’s Enid Blyton, the Shakespeare of Cupertino.

    What does your therapist think?

  7. John Moltz Says:

    March 19th, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    “Berenstain”? Oh, that’s never going to come out.

    John, are you simply going the extra mile to defend your “We Don’t Need No Steenking Fact-Checking” policy or am I so dense I missed a joke somewhere?

    Rip Ragged is right and it would seem the Bears’ history with television is already a bit dicey.

    They may be thoroughly traumatized now.

  8. Apple TV is a good idea but needs to support more codecs! It’s nice to watch and listen to your iTunes stuff but what about the other 50% or more media files on your computer.. And I’m a huge Mac fan boy so don’t get me wrong… Not sure if saving a little girls life is going to help with this 😉

    http://www.switchingtomac.com/

  9. i was in two minds wether or not to get one, but now my mind is made up. Apple TV is awesome. I can’t belive the BBC didn’t pick up on this story…. it’s not on digg either…. or slashdot… or myspace…. or theHun. Bizzare!

  10. Should this story be subtitled, “All’s Well that End’s Well”?

    I note that the story mentions KOCO-TV. Was this a “KOCO-puff piece”?

  11. I bet she was pushed in by an Exil Goat™.

    That or a pony. We all know about the ponies.

    I do like the line “By virtue of it being so shiny.”

    That shiny thing actually works on my 2 year old.

    He’s just entranced for minutes. (He’s two, being entranced for hours is way too long to hope for.)

  12. Must I comment every year, the lack of updating of the Legal?

    All content copyright © 2001-2006 Giant Squid Productions, LLC.

    Maybe I should be employed…

  13. Good thing those Apple TVs are being delivered before bushfire season.

    Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Or you could, if you’d stop fucking lighting them.

  14. What does this teach us boys and girls? That Steve is go great that even if he makes a product out of Balsa Wood it will spring to life and become a shiny electronic hero. That doesn’t look like Vaporware to me, that looks like a (working) state of the art entertainment system.

    I also heard that the Steve made the Plasma screen attached to the Apple TV totally out of styrofoam in a push to reduce landfill waste.

  15. Where were the lawyers to sue the Berenstain bears? They were acting with gross neglect. And the ponies! How could the ponies not fly down the well and save her?

    It’s apallling. We need an army of Lawyers dispatched to Oklahoma right now! How else will our precious right to give all our money to blood-sucking money vampire lawyers continue?

    Will someone PLEASE think of the lawyers?

  16. “Bringing” is the word you were looking for up there Moltz.

    Yeah, up there.

    Just a little further up.

    Uuuuuup.

    Uuuuuuuuup.

    A little more.

    Gah, no, don’t make such large jumps.

    Down now.

    Next paragraph down.

    Which sentence?

    There is only one in that paragraph!

    Two more words to go.

    Yes, right there, that one.

    No, no!

    Stop!

    Crimany man!

    “Bring!”

    Replace “bring” with “bringing!”

    Sheesh that was a workout!

    *rolls eyes*

    Sometimes I worry about you Moltz.

    MARK

    BAGEL!

    MARK

  17. I read the story, I laughed, I cried, I finished off a box of Cheez-Its. Now if only we can have a sequel where the Apple TV with his handy sidekick iPhone battle the evil horde of Berenstein bears who felt thwarted having pushed little Kimberly McCain down the well.

  18. Finally, CARS is laugh-out-loud funny again. Sure the last few have caused smiles, but this one produced an actual chortle.

  19. These spelling corrections do not imply any admission of error on the part of Crazy Apple Rumors Site or its parent company, Giant Squid Productions, LLC.

  20. For the record:

    After I wrote “Berenstain” and clicked the “Submit Comment” button and read my “Post” I wanted to take it back and edit it. I was certain that I had misspelled “teh.”

    A double peanut-butter martini, please. Up. Very dry.

  21. Dang it, I must have been seeing things because “bringing” is already there. Moltz, Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Giant Squid Productions, LLC made no error at all. I did.

    MARK

  22. Yes, we can be sure that CARS staff never alter an article once posted. Such is the integrity of a first-rate rumor site. [That’s absolutely the honest truth — Ed.]

  23. Yep, one of the many things that make this the best place to get your Apple rumors. They are guaranteed 100% rumor (or should that say truth) and error free.

    Keep up the good work Moltz!

    MARK

  24. I dont know, I think this one´s a fake. You know, with the firefighter being on the job only 2,5 month, he would not be a spokesperson. And according to msn there has been no zeppelin accident last year…..

  25. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Apple TV Saves Little Girl’s Life., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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