Another Blockbuster Quarter for Apple.

Apple announced another fantastic quarter today, shattering expectations for earnings and Mac sales growth.

Earnings grew by 88% and Mac sales by 36%. Further, the company reported that COO Tim Cook has grown by an astonishing 50% and is now over nine feet tall.

“Tim is just huge, said CEO Steve Jobs. “He’s scary kind of huge. He’s having trouble finding clothes that will fit him. He needs orthopedic belts. I heard he went skiing last month and had to wear oven mitts.

“Oven mitts! Ha-ha! It’s crazy! Ahhhh…

“But seriously, though, we’re a little concerned after what happened to Andre the Giant. I’m insisting he go to the doctor regularly.”

Apple also indicated that it was making several accounting changes. While it has decided to capitalize R&D costs, it said that it will change a long-standing policy and allow employees to expense their subscriptions to Cocoa and Guns and Naked Coders’ Confidential.

In related news, the Apple board announced just before the conference call that Jobs had its full support in the options probe. Oddly, shortly after the call, Jockey also announced that it “supported” Jobs, through its popular line of briefs for men.

After the call, several analysts said they could hear CFO Peter Oppenheimer lean back and light a cigarette. Before he abruptly pressed the mute button, Oppenheimer was heard to sigh “Ooh. That was good. Yeah.”

Here’s a picture of Peter Oppenheimer if you need help with a visual of him in post-conference call ecstasy.

You know… wearing nothing but a big terry cloth robe.


27 thoughts on “Another Blockbuster Quarter for Apple.”

  1. I believe everything except ‘Cocoa and Guns’, although doubts are setting in on that score.

  2. I downloaded the 12.3MB binhexed image from that page you linked to. Should come in handy for something.

  3. Are we to assume from this that using a Mac can cause gigantism?

    ‘Cause if it is, I really need to add a couple of inches of height. It would really help my rebounding and shot-blocking skills. I’m not greedy; I can top out at 6-5 to 6-8.

  4. John, I think there is a problem with that link. It took me to a photo of Peter in a suit. I was promised Peter in a robe.

  5. Again?

    Why is it that Apple “blows away expectations” or “shatters expectations” every quarter?

    Why can’t financial analysts crank their expectations into the stratosphere? Then they could be disappointed with the results, as is only proper.

    I for one am duly unhappy with the results. I was expecting earnings growth of 200% and doubled Mac sales. And a twelve-foot Tim Cook.

    No, not twelve feet tall–I’m talkin’ Tim Cook with ten extra appendages: Tim “Dodecapod” Cook.

  6. Rumor has it that Tim has been tapped to play the lead role in the upcoming Ted Cassady bio-pic, “More Than Lurch!”

  7. I’m wtih Ace, I’m dissapointed with Apple’s performance too, and I’ll remain dissapointed until there are more machines running Mac OS than that MS shi..stuff.–

  8. I don’t no where else to share this but it’s one of those days to those who have lost a child IN MY SOLITUDE by:S**** / NotaIn my solitude,I feel so at home.In the winetr of my soul,I have felt so alone.I’ve seen the very best,which this life has to offer.And I’ve been to the depth,any human can suffer.When my soul is disturbed,and my life seems frenetic.I return to my safe place,where my soul is replenished.I do my best to hold my head,and carry my load.Though I stumble some times,on this arduous road.I fight the curse, which I have carried,Through this journey of life.I’ve got my beautiful kids,And the most amazing wife.I lost sight of what’s important,when I put you in the ground.Through the grief of losing you,I can’t explain the strength I’ve found.I have shed so many tears,I can’t believe I’m still around.But, the joy we find in life,Is something deep and so profound.That we could never feel it,if we hadn’t known the pain.We would never feel relief,if we hadn’t felt the strain.Though the tears I’ve shed are plenty,and the joys I’ve felt are few.The anguish seems to be the well,from which, my strength I drew In my solitude.

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