Apple announced another fantastic quarter today, shattering expectations for earnings and Mac sales growth.
Earnings grew by 88% and Mac sales by 36%. Further, the company reported that COO Tim Cook has grown by an astonishing 50% and is now over nine feet tall.
“Tim is just huge,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “He’s scary kind of huge. He’s having trouble finding clothes that will fit him. He needs orthopedic belts. I heard he went skiing last month and had to wear oven mitts.
“Oven mitts! Ha-ha! It’s crazy! Ahhhh…
“But seriously, though, we’re a little concerned after what happened to Andre the Giant. I’m insisting he go to the doctor regularly.”
Apple also indicated that it was making several accounting changes. While it has decided to capitalize R&D costs, it said that it will change a long-standing policy and allow employees to expense their subscriptions to Cocoa and Guns and Naked Coders’ Confidential.
In related news, the Apple board announced just before the conference call that Jobs had its full support in the options probe. Oddly, shortly after the call, Jockey also announced that it “supported” Jobs, through its popular line of briefs for men.
After the call, several analysts said they could hear CFO Peter Oppenheimer lean back and light a cigarette. Before he abruptly pressed the mute button, Oppenheimer was heard to sigh “Ooh. That was good. Yeah.”
Here’s a picture of Peter Oppenheimer if you need help with a visual of him in post-conference call ecstasy.
You know… wearing nothing but a big terry cloth robe.