Former Apple CFO Fred Anderson, in a statement released after his settlement with the SEC, said that he was directed by CEO Steve Jobs to inappropriately backdate options to company executives.
In a statement issued by his lawyer, Anderson said:
Mr. Anderson informed Steve that there would be certain accounting implications to setting a strike date in the mid-18th century, but he wouldn’t listen to him. Instead he taunted Mr. Anderson, adopting a fake cockney accent and telling him “You’d bettah quit lollygagging and backdate those shares or ah’ll sell ya to Mr. Sowerberry the undertaker for naught but a quid right quick!”
Mr. Anderson frankly had no idea what the hell he was talking about but it didn’t sound very good so he went ahead and backdated the shares.
In addition, Mr. Anderson would like everyone to know that Jobs frequently forced him to pretend he was a pony and give him rides around his office.
He would have refused, but he liked getting a sugar cube and being groomed at the end.
As noted yesterday, however, the Apple board has indicated that it stands behind Jobs 100%. In its own statement the board said:
Steve is totally super-cool and we’re totally going to marry him and be Mrs. Steve Jobs some day.
And Fred… well, we never really liked Fred, actually. We were totally just pretending to so he wouldn’t feel bad. Because he was such a mega-loser.
We didn’t want to say anything at the time, but he smelled like feet a little and his mom always packed him pimento loaf with mayonnaise on Wonder Bread sandwiches for lunch which we thought was a little weird.
I mean, apart from the fact that the guy’s like 55 and his mom is still packing his lunch, yuck. Pimento loaf is just nasty.
Oh, jeez, and the juice boxes. Can’t forget the juice boxes.
What a dork.
A spokesperson for the SEC said they would take these statements under advisement.