27 Apr 07Friday Feature: Do-It Yourself Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But today’s Help Desk is Do-It-Yourself as the Crud™ has struck down the entire staff. Actually, the only reason we came into the office at all was to fill out our time cards.

So, I’ll provide the template and… well… have at it.

Don’t forget the sexual innuendo. Ugluk appearances are popular. If you get stuck you can always fall back on an Amelio reference.

Oh, and bonus points if you can work in something about big butts. Everyone likes big butts. Or references to big butts. Or… pictures of big butts, of course…

Uhhh…

I don’t feel so good.


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35 Responses to “Friday Feature: Do-It Yourself Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Chales says:

    First?

  2. kingthedestroyer says:

    Don’t get a chance for top five often, I’ll think of some questions later.

  3. mathom says:

    third? yay!

  4. mathom says:

    ack…

  5. Sitsi says:

    Six…Syxe

    What about my Friday? MY Friday…Won´t be the same without Crazy Apple Help Desk.

    Buuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! I can´t live another week!

  6. OMGHAX says:

    I’ll do it later.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Q: Who?

    A: On first.

    Q: No, who?

    A: Which who?

    Q: The one Horton heard.

    A: On first, like I said.

    Q: Why?

    A: And why the hell not?

    Q: Why answer a question with a question? Are your stalling?

    A: What if I were?

    Q: Okay, I see the stunt you’re trying to pull, and it isn’t going to work. Find some other chump.

    A: Like who?

    Q: Are we there yet?

    A: Oh yeah. In fact, we are way past there.

    Q: We overshot the mark?

    A: Mark who?

    Q: Mark Horton.

    A: No, I think we shot him just the right amount.

  8. Alex Blewitt says:

    Q. Hey, did you notice that Rob from Mac OS X Hints is sick today too?

    A. Really?

    Q. Yeah, check out http://www.macosxhints.com/article.php?story=20070427072354212

    A. Spooky.

    Q. You’re sure you’re not the same person?

    A. Who, me? No. Never. I mean, he like does stuff for MacWorld and all, right?

    Q. Yeah, but you’ve got to get all your news from somewhere.

    A. Well … urm … he’s got a bigger butt than me.

    Q. Can I have a picture?

  9. kingthedestroyer says:

    Q: How many people at CARS have big butts?

    A: …um, about half of ‘m

    Q: What about the other half?

    A: Well… big just wouldn’t work as a discriptive term, huge, gigantic, abnormally large would work better.

    Q: So, you guys go through a lot of chairs then?

    A: What does this big butt stuff have to do with anything, this is the Apple Help Desk?

    Q: Well, I figure since Moltz didn’t put in a lot of effort on this posting, that has to last us til next week, well, he was sort of asking for it.

    A: OK, I see, well this ought to learn him.

    Q: And he was the one who brought up big butts anyway.

    A: Ah yes… the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’Ä

  10. OMGHAX says:

    Friday feature? More like Friday creature!

    Ah hah hah!

  11. comacnut says:

    Q: Did you see all those cry babies in MacWorld this month whining about how John’s blurb was discontinued?

    A: (John’s Mom) They weren’t whining so much as stating there disappointment with the whole situation.

    Q: Whatever, it was totally overrated. And the whole one button thing, whose rather large but did he pull that out of?

    A: (John’s Mom) John is a serious and talented Mac pundit. He made that comment after numerous hours of diligently studying and piecing together informants notes.

    Q: So you’re saying he slept with a very disgruntled Nancy Heinen?

    A: (John’s Mom) Who is this? Is that you Gordo? I told you to never call here again, you are a bad influence on my little Johnny. I’m so coming over there and using your tooth brush.

  12. derekm says:

    Q: I’m taking my MacBook to Asia next week and I want to make sure I can do my work, post some photos and watch some movies, but I don’t want to lug too much weight. Do you have any tips for travelers?

    A: Absolutely. Instead of relying on your MacBook for watching movies on the flight, rip your DVDs and put them on your iPod before hand. You can get an additional lightweight battery pack for your iPod. In order to save more weight, check out what’s on your MacBook’s hard drive. Ones are, obviously, heavier than zeros. I recommend using a disk editor to change as many ones to zeros as you can.

    Q: Uh… that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

    A: Hey, do you know what the difference between a one and a zero is? Exactly one bit. You’ll never notice it except in the weight.

    Q: I’m not gonna do that.

    A: Sissy.

    Q: Wait a sec. Ddn’t that guy already get to ask a question last week?

    A: Absolutely. Instead of relying on your MacBook for watching movies on the flight, rip your DVDs and put them on your iPod before hand. You can get an additional lightweight battery pack for your iPod. In order to save more weight, check out what’s on your MacBook’s hard drive. Ones are, obviously, heavier than zeros. I recommend using a disk editor to change as many ones to zeros as you can.

    Q: Uh… Wha? Are you even listening to me?

    A: Hey, do you know what the difference between a one and a zero is? Exactly one bit. You’ll never notice it except in the weight.

    Q: I’m outta here.

    A: Sissy.

    Q: Hey, why didn’t you answer that guy’s question? Are you or are you not just repeating last week’s answers?

    A: Absolutely.

    Q: Uh… that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

    A: Hey, you just repeated last week’s question. Get some original material, kettle.

    Q: I’m not gonna do that.

    A: Sissy.

  13. wlao says:

    Since I’m rather tired today, I’m just gonna leave you with my template for witty comments:

    There you go. Have fun!

  14. wlao says:

    Darn, it seems like someone updated the forum software to not only get rid of spam, but also to remove any non-funny part of the comments.

     

     

     

    My days here must be over – and I haven’t even started…

  15. Q: Is this the CARS supported Apple Help Desk?

    A: Depends….

    Q:Depends? On what?

    A: No I am asking do you wear Depends

    Q:Ummm why do you need to know that?

    A: Well I bought this pack to give to the best question asked relative to butt size

    Q:But I need help with my MacBook

    A: And I need help getting rid of this box of Depends. It is not just about you here

    Q: I am sorry, I don’t wear them but my mom wears a small

    A: Nope, no good. These are XL. Call back tomorrow and try your luck then

    Q: But my question…..

    A: If we have SMALLS your question will be answered. Have a good day

  16. Allanimal says:

    Q: I like big butts and I can not lie

    You other brothers can’t deny

    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

    And a round thing in your face

    You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough

    ‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

    A: Uhhh… Was that a question?

    Q: Deep in the jeans she’s wearing

    I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring

    Oh baby, I wanna get wit’cha

    And take your picture

    My homeboys tried to warn me

    But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny

    Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin

    You say you wanna get in my Benz?

    A: Ok At least that *was* a question. But what does it have to do with Apple products?

    Q: Well, use me, use me

    ‘Cause you ain’t that average groupy

    I’ve seen them dancin’

    The hell with romancin’

    She’s sweat, wet,

    Got it goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette

    A: Turbo ‘vette… I think that is an unannounced Apple product, and therefore we can’t comment on it. But you mentioned “wet”. At this time, we can’t recommend getting *any* apple products wet, though some will swear by putting their dirty keyboards in the dishwasher. There is an iPod accessory, the iBuzz, that should have no problems if exposed to a heightened moisture environment.

    Q: I’m tired of magazines

    Sayin’ flat butts are the thing

    Take the average black man and ask him that

    She gotta pack much back

    A: No argument there.

    Q: So, fellas!

    A: Yeah!

    Q: Fellas!

    A: Yeah!

    Q: Has your girlfriend got the butt?

    A: Hell yeah! (And thanks for actually asking another question to the CARS help desk)

    Q:Tell ’em to shake it!

    A: Shake it!

    Q: Shake it!

    A: Shake it!

    Q: Shake that healthy butt!

    Baby got back!

    A: Based on your requirements, the mac model you need is less important than the need for dual 30″ cinema displays.

    Next question?

  17. 尼古拉 says:

    Q: Why am I banned?

    A: Blame Masao.

    Q: Okay I blamed her, but my posts still will not go through.

    A: Can’t help you there.

    Q: But aren’t you the site owner?

  18. J0n says:

    Q: How much lamer can these questions get?

    No! Don’t show me! That was a rhetorical question!

    Aaaaggghhhh!

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    I’m still pondering the sugar cube thing.

  20. Nxxx says:

    John,

    That was the most informative Mac article I’ve ever read. Much better than this side of the Pond’s MacUser, better known as MacAbuser.

    Moltz rocks, and that is from a Tenor Saxophonist, not very good one admittedly.

  21. Carbonfish says:

    I am wondering at which end he likes the grooming? Now I feel a bit ill myself.

  22. Huh? says:

    I am seriously starting to think the fervent belief that they know more than we do about Macs is misplaced.

    What if John and crew really doesn’t know more than us?

    What if we know WAY more than them?

    Here watch:

    Q: Blah blah blah Mac blah?

    A: Yadda yadda 10.3 yadda 10.4.

    Q: Blah?

    A Yadda yadda.

    *********

    Q: Yibber hoolpa yibber yibber MacBook?

    A: Smaglen yub yadda yadda. Yadda yadda kreln MacBook Pro!

    Q: Pro?!?

    A: Pro.

    Q:

    A: …P.R.O.

    Q: Oh! Yibber.

    A: Yadda.

    ********

    Q: Blah blah blah, blah blah Moltz?

    A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! MOLTZ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    Q: Blah blah blah, blah YADDA Moltz?

    A: Yup.

    I rest my case.

  23. thelairster says:

    Q: I’m Having problems getting the blood stains off my white macbook, it’s such a silly color you know?

    A: Dude…

    Q: There are also some nasty bits of gunk and bone all caught up in the usb ports, and now my thumbstick isn’t being recognised, any ideas?

    A: A lawyer?

    Q: But what about my macbook?

    A: You have bigger issues, who cares about your macbook?

    Q: OJ cares!

  24. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Gatekeeper says:

    Q: What is your name?

    A: My name is Jon!

    Q: What is your quest?

    A: answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

    Q: What is the average air speed of an unladen swallow?

    A: What? An African or European Swallow?

  25. Nxxx says:

    What’s wrong with Asiatic, North and South American and Australasian Swallows?

    BTW Just to be pedantic, European Swallows migrate to and from Africa anyway.

  26. 2000guitars says:

    Amazed here, that it took 18 comments for Sir Mixalot to appear. Really, fellas, yeah, fellas, yeah, you guys are slipping. And you call yourselves CARS readers. Meh.

    “Insert crude swallow joke here”

  27. Woz says:

    The Reader’s Digest version (without the bloviating moralistic high tone):

    Q: What’s the real reason CARS is persona non grata, or terra cotta, or … whatever?

    A: Well, one of the CARS staff just got laid. Unfortunately, it was dark so he didn’t notice it was Gil Amelio.

    Q: What? The Apple ex-CEO?

    A: Yeah, here’s a picture.

    Ugluk: Aaaaaaagh! No show blind drunk mistake! Caveman allow mistake without be shamed! Me smash head!

    A: AAAAAAA!!!

  28. Rubber Glove says:

    Nobody in Australia swallows.

  29. That Cranky Old Man says:

    Q: Hey! You kids get that template off my lawn!

    A: Is that a question, you old whipper-snapper?

    Q: Same to you, ya old smelly varmint!

    A: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Put up your dukes and fight like a man!

    Ugluk: Why Cranky Old Man fight with self? Maybe he Crazy Old Man…

    Bjork: Sexbots! Big butt! Carcrash!

  30. Billy G says:

    Q: Hi, I’m running WIndows Vista on my Mac Pro, and I’m having problems with the OS.

    A: Um, we’re not exactly a Vista help desk, but… maybe we can help.

    Q: That would be great. You see, my OS looks… It’s kinda hard to explain…

    A: Let us guess.

    Q: What?

    A: Stolen?

    Q: …

    A: Stolen it is, right?

    Q: …

    A: Bill. Billy boy. What did we tell you about this the last time?

    Q: OK, OK, it’s stolen, big deal. But it also sucks! And I have no idea how I can fix it! Can you tell me how to fix Vista? I mean, it’s…

    A: Bill…!

    Q: It’s just that I’ve spent billions on it, and the best engineers, and… maybe you don’t know this, but also…

    A: OK, say it. Time for the comic relief.

    Q: Damn, I was going to say the funny part, but you spoiled it for me.

    A: Help desk isn’t quite the same without John Moltz.

    Q: You can say that again.

    A: But at least there was a link. Some guy pimping his blog, I guess.

    Q: Wow, Bill. You’ve still got it, haven’t you. Sorry about Vista.

    A: And the Xbox…

    Q: And the Zune…

    A: And Steve Ballmer…

    Q: Man, this is depressing. I’ll hang up.

  31. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Q: No one appreciates my Mac Rumors web site, and I don’t know what to do. People come and read it, and then criticize it, like they think they could do better.

    A: Well could they?

    Q: No way, I’d like to see them try.

    A: Well maybe you should let them try, and once they do and they see how hard it is, they will appreciate you more.

    Q: That’s a great idea, but how am I going to set it up so I don’t sound like I’m desperately seeking validation or Susan?

    A: Pretend to be sick.

    Q: Brilliant!!!!!

    A: So we’re all done here?

    Q: Well ya, except for the sexual innuendo.

    A: Ya, well I’m sorry but I have a headache, and I’m just not feeling it.

    Q: OH, come on your not even trying.

    A: Fine, you what some innuendo, I’ll give you innuendo, there take that innuendo, and that, and that, and I’m spent. There, was that good for you?

    Q: What? No after innuendo cig?

    A: No because that’s not an innuendo, that’s a Cliché.

  32. Del says:

    Q: Does CARS still consider me Spam even if Moltz doesn’t?

    A: You’ll find out when you click the “Submit Comment” button.

  33. Del says:

    YAY I’M NOT SPAM!

    w00t!

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