09 May 07Growth In Online Mac Presence Explained.

A report stating that the online presence of Macs in the U.S. doubled in the last eight months has been trumpeted across the Mac web as a sign of the platform’s growing success.

However, a subsequent analysis of the data by the firm WebSideStory has revealed that the growth does not come from an increase in the number of Macs online, but in the activity from Mac users.

Or, specifically, Mac user Adam Ballenger of Portland, Oregon.

By correlating the IP addresses in the data, WebSideStory was able to pinpoint a dramatic increase in traffic from Ballenger’s iMac.

“At first we were unable to explain how the increase in traffic correlated so closely with the U.S.,” said WebSideStory analyst Richard Marquist. “Then we realized it correlated with Oregon. Then we realized it was Portland.”

And then they found Ballenger.

Reached at his apartment, 25-year-old Ballenger explained how he personally managed to surf as much as all other Mac users in the U.S.

“Back in September,” Ballenger said, “I discovered this thing – I don’t know if you’ve heard about it…

“But there are these sites… online… that have pictures of naked women on them! Yeah, I know! It’s hard to believe! But that’s not all. Some of them even have pictures of people having sex! It is just… wild! I mean, I was just surfing along and BLAMMO! I had never seen anything like that before! I thought, ‘Hey, I want to see more of this!‘ Holy smokes!”

And so Ballenger did. He hasn’t left his apartment in eight months but he has drastically impacted his platform of choice.

Unfortunately for the Mac, he believes the increase in its online market share is at an end.

“I can keep surfing, but there’s just so much self-gratification a guy can do. It’s been eight months. I’m exhausted. I think I need a break.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but several Portland area pizzerias indicated that the company has been delivering free pies to Ballenger’s address for the past five months.

29 Responses to “Growth In Online Mac Presence Explained.”

  1. redeyebase says:

    1st !!! hoowhee !

  2. redeyebase says:

    John, John… just because there hasn’t been any sex here in a while, doesn’t mean that you had to have some tonight … or does it …

  3. Carbonfish says:

    Oh sure John, locate the out-of-control masturbator in Portland. Like that poor town doesn’t have enough trouble with it’s image.

    Okay, have I screwed around long enough to be THREE instead of two?

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Damn. I hate being four, so I’ll be five too.

  5. John Moltz says:

    Hey, I can’t put him in Tacoma. That’s too obvious. And nobody masturbates in Seattle. They’re too busy looking pretentious.

    Ooh! Zing!

  6. chouffie says:

    I recently discovered that there are some sites on the internet without naked ladies. How come? Whats their business model? I doon’t get it…

  7. chouffie says:

    (seems everybody is out there trying to sind those so-calles websites with naked ladies, onlay to find out they can’t type very well with one hand…) Nine’s Mine!

  8. Nxxx says:

    If it is true, then the local barber is making a mint shaving his hands.

  9. chouffie says:

    Anyone for Tensies? Nobody? My little Ten!

  10. Carbonfish says:

    Yeah, I guess you’re right. Plus, it’s really hard to masturbate with a cup of coffee in each hand, so yeah, Seattle’s out. Although I hear ol’ Sealth could spank the monkey in his day. Of course that’s just a crazy anthropological rumor. Nothing to it I’m sure…

  11. chouffie says:

    Darn, Nxxx, thought i had ten. Well, dozen does it for me too…

  12. Carbonfish says:

    Well, you guys are going to have to take your cues from Ballenger and continue these late-night hijinks on your own. Big day tomorrow and I’m not getting any younger.

    G’night John-boy.

  13. Rip Ragged says:

    See. I knew it. There’s always a sound, scientific answer if you just look. Um, Hey Adam. Just out of curiosity, where did you find those pictures….?

  14. Jimothy says:

    Uh, I think I might also have something to do with the uptick in traffic.

  15. Doc Wolfram says:

    Then there are those of us in the morning after crew…

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    Portland is maddeningly schizo. First, you learn that it has the highest number of independent booksellers per capita, and you’re thinking “cool, erudite!” Then you hear that it has the most strip clubs per capita, and you go “what the —-?”

  17. Too all-beef patty says:

    Book stores? What kind of self-respecting adult would go into… oh, you mean real books. Books with words. I get it now. Sort of a juxtaposition thing…

  18. blank says:

    Can’t spend all your time in Powell’s. People have URGES now and then, even Portland’s erudite population. Really. I have it on good authority. I wouldn’t make this stuff up. Honest.

    Oh well, whatever, never mind.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi

  20. Walking Contradiction says:

    Has anyone called the PETA folks? I’m sure they’ll be rather bothered with all this monkey abuse.

    Wanna touch my monkey?

  21. Del says:

    For a while I thought my home computer was broken because all the monitor would show was porn. There were naked ladies everywhere. Then I realized I was looking at a a mirror and not my computer monitor.

    I get confused cuz both have shiny silver edges and I stuck one of those white apple stickers on the mirror.

  22. Rip Ragged says:

    I’d stick an Apple logo thingamabob on the mirror, but then I’d probably get confused and try to shave in front of an animated graphic or worse, spend all my spare time in the bathroom.

    I’ll take what’s behind dropcloth number 17, Monte.

  23. doom pa de dum says:

    Is that a picture of the ocean and Mountain Kilimanjaro? Oh … a graph … did you make that on your PC?

  24. dirk says:

    not to mention the chafing

  25. Hi, and that on a Sunday

  26. medbad says:

    And why it is not, everybody wants to be healthy!
    BADs,vitamins, necessary for polnlocennoy life!

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