10 May 07Notes From Apple's Shareholder Meeting.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were able to slip into Apple’s shareholder meeting today by posing as baby seals and saying “We’re with Greenpeace” when asked.

Here are our notes from the meeting.

  • Asked to give back the shares of restricted stock he received in exchange for backdated options, Jobs delighted shareholders by adopting a wacky Mexican accent and pretending to “no speeka da Engleesh”. Ha-ha! Ahhh…
  • Confronted by a Greenpeace activist about Apple’s environmental record, Jobs asked the dreadlocked man/woman “How many pounds of leaflets have you handed out at Macworld and Apple Stores in the past year?” His/her head then exploded.
  • Damn, seal suits really chafe around the crotch.
  • Asked about Leopard, Jobs and Bertrand Serlet performed Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” in its entirety, receiving a standing ovation from shareholders at the end.
  • Defending the company’s decision to launch a risky product like the iPhone in a highly competitive market, Jobs stripped to the waist and wrestled a rather large and ill-tempered boar to the ground. He then declared that he was “mighty” and none should doubt his feats of strength. The questioner was removed, executed and the surviving shareholders were treated to a bacchanalian feast to show there was no ill will.
  • Regarding .Mac, Jobs admitted that Apple’s suite of online services hasn’t achieved its full potential, but said the company was working on it.
  • Apropos of nothing, senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson rose to announce that not one, but two Apple Stores would be coming to Tacoma, Wash., before the end of 2007.

Apple declined to comment for these notes.

Other than all the commenting.

No Responses to “Notes From Apple's Shareholder Meeting.”

  1. Dreil says:

    foist

  2. Dreil says:

    Moltz, no insight into .mac?

  3. John Moltz says:

    Hey, I plagiarized a whole line from Jim Dalrymple. What else do you want from me?

  4. Dreil says:

    Sexbots?

  5. Carbonfish says:

    FIVE sexbots would be nice.

  6. Carbonfish says:

    John, wouldn’t that be “his/her head then exploded”? Also, just so you stay up at night worrying, since you gave Dalrymple attribution, it’s not plagiarism. Your in the clear. Now how about fixing the grammatical error Mr. smarty-pants word-smith?

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Sorry. I meant just so you don’t stay up at night worrying…

  8. Carbonfish says:

    you’re in the…” frack. Never mind.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Not to go all cerebral on you, but why in Heaven’s name would seal suits have crotches? Do Seals have legs?

    Even mermaids don’t have crotches, which is kind of a shame…

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    “Regarding .Mac, Jobs admitted that Apple’s suite of online services hasn’t achieved its full potential, but said the company was working on it.”

    Where’s the lampoon?

    Moltz, that smells of serious journalism and I object.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    And don’t try to introduce Navy Seals as a workaround!

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Crotchless seal suits?

    Ace you are perversion personified.

  13. Nxxx says:

    The seal’s legs are modified into the two separate tail flippers. As they comprise the last tenth of the overall length, they have a crotch, but a very low one.
    Boasting again John?

  14. Carl says:

    My favorite line from the shareholder’s meeting: “I make fifty cents just for showing up, and the other fifty cents is based on my performance.”

  15. OMGHAX says:

    Ooh, way to stick it to those hippies!

    Although it would be nice to see 15 Apple Stores in Cle Elum.

  16. redeyebase says:

    Sheeh… asleep again… WAGTD?

  17. chouffie says:

    Were they Lebian Ninja™ Seal Suits, with Sexbots of Doom™ inside, scafing at the ankles?

  18. Rip Ragged says:

    You didn’t explain the Teamsters and Greenpeacers coming out of the meeting with rug burns on their foreheads.

    You went as a baby seal? Welcome to the club.

  19. blank says:

    After the meeting there was a party where they roasted another Greenpeace rep.

    Literally.

  20. Huh? says:

    So, anything good at the feast?

  21. staykill says:

    22nd, and last!
    silly jobs, he doesnt realise that the seals were in fact people, and that neither do seals talk, and nor do they go to shareholder’s meetings.

  22. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    I can do something comestible with baby seals, but it will be considered as barbarian by a majority of people in the world.
    No objection coming from japanese and inuit, and no objections from dutch if there’s marjoram. And with heaps of garlic, most will appreciate.
    I guess.

  23. 尼古拉 says:

    Ala Sony were people allowed to reach in to the carcass and eat stuff from its still warm stomach?

  24. Mykie says:

    Yes, Apple Store in T-Town! Take THAT Circuit City, Best Buy and that weird litte computer shop on 6th with the duck

  25. Rip Ragged says:

    I can do something comestible with baby seals, but they’ll have to bring their own mixers. I don’t know how they like their tequila in that part of the world/

  26. Walking Contradiction says:

    Q: Why is it that we have had no Help Desk article for the last 3 weeks now?

    A: Huh? We haven’t?

    Q: No, we have not.

    A: Are you sure you’re not just getting impatient here, maybe one is still coming?

    Q: Yeah, and Micro$loth releases secure software.

    A: LOL! Hey, did you have any other questions?

    Q: No, except to point out that since the first question I asked, you’ve been asking all the questions.

    A: Really?

    Q: Yeah, really.

    A: Oh, that’s strange, isn’t it?

    Q: Yeah, but we’re used to that here.

  27. Rip Ragged says:

    Q: How do you know we haven’t had a Friday Help Desk in three weeks? What would one look like if we had one?

    A: It would look something like a cross between this and this.

    Q: Wow. That’s really nasty. Isn’t there something you can take for that?

    A: I’ve been putting lotion on it for two weeks.

    Q: Just put it away.

    A: It was okay until Tuesday when it started to ooze…

    Q: Shut UP. Put it away. I haven’t had dinner yet. I may never be able to eat pizza again ever.

    A: Let me show you the other side…

    Q: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa……

  28. Step says:

    Thank God for Walking Contradiction and Rip Ragged. After that line of serious .mac journalismicnesstastismish stuff, I nearly attempted to claw my eyeballs out of my head.

    WC and RR, how can I thank you for saving my sanity? Err, insanity? I know – how about a crotchless seal suit show!

    (This post can only go downhill from here – maybe I should’ve just clawed ’em out per my first instinct…)

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    I accept PayPal, Visa, MasterCard, American Express, Diners Club, personal checks, money orders, certified bank drafts, euros, Pounds Sterling, pesos, yen, rupees, dollars. livestock, organic grains, vegetables with a long shelf life, beer, and insincere invitations to dinner.

    Sorry, but I no longer accept sexual favors.

  30. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Would you accept somme bay seal Croquette ?

  31. Rip Ragged says:

    That sounds dirty.

    Sure.

  32. FroogleThis says:

    Good. I will sleep better at night knowing that Jobs defeated the boar. I always wondered exactly how similar to Superman Mr. Jobs was. I now know the answer and can cease my endless search for the truth.

    Yo, Steve. Give me a call sometime. 😉

  33. foo master says:

    Are you sure it was a “boar”? (Large hairy beast with tusks looks like a pig and smells uky) or a “bore” like Steve Balmer (at a Microsoft developer’s conference). Oops…… I guess those are one in the same.

  34. Walking Contradiction says:

    You’re welcome Step, I’m glad that we were both able to save your insanity. I’ll accept all forms of payment that RR accepts, plus the one’s he won’t. I’m not picky at all.

    One question though, a crotchless seal suit show? Is that anything like a donkey show? Carlos Mencia told me that donkey shows would scar me for life, but I like to think I’m tougher than that. On the other hand, I’ve never yet seen either a donkey show or a crotchess seal suit show, so what do I know.

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