25 May 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And today, for some reason… his royal badness!

No, I don’t mean Prince.


Q: I have a whole mess of VBA code that Microsoft tells me I’m going to have to port to AppleScript. I’m on kind of a tight deadline. Kind of need it by Tuesday afternoon.
A: Uh, OK. Well, how much code are we talking about?
Q: Hmm, let’s see… take the Excel documents and add them to the Word documents… carry the one… uh, about 3800 files.
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, shoot. I mean, is there something else I can do?
A: Have you considered suicide?
Q: Mmm, not gonna help. I work for Satan.
A: That would certainly explain all the VBA code.
Q: Yep. And if I kill myself I just end up right back at the same desk.
A: Man, that is one messed up HR policy.
Q: Tell you what…


Q: Oh, crappity crap crap crap.
A: Oh, I think I know what this is.
Q: Oh, shit. Oh… god. I really… oh, man, I really hosed it up this time.
A: Yep. Yep. I know. You force quit during a system update.
Q: I wish! No, this is much worse.
A: OK. OK. You deleted your home directory.
Q: No! C’mon! I mean a simple backup restore would fix that! Think big!
A: Alright. I’m just getting warmed up. Uh… does it involve flames?
Q: Not exactly, but you’re getting closer.
A: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your Mac’s been possessed by the Unholy Prince of Darkness!
Q: Uh, you overshot it a bit.
A: Oh.
Q: That would totally involve flames. But how would that even happen?
A: Oh, it happens. You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination where you press 6 three times and… it’s kind of complicated.


Q: I’ve been a PC user all my life but recently I’ve been reconsidering and I’d like to get a Mac. But… there’s a problem…
A: You sold your soul to Satan and you think you can’t have a Mac because it’ll reject you because you have no soul.
Q: Uh… yeah. Wow. That’s right. How’d you know that?
A: I’ve been doing this for a while. Unfortunately for you, though, you’re right. A Mac’s going to run away from you like a monkey from a jungle fire.
Q: Oh. Well, what if I collected some other people’s souls and rolled in them? Kind of masked my scent.
A: Um, no. This is a Mac we’re talking about here. It’s not a 500 Mhz Compaq running Windows 98.
Q: Well, what if it was a lot of souls? Of, like… puppies.
A: No! Frankly, I don’t even think that’s going to fool Ubuntu.
Q: Man! You know, it looked really cool in the all the brochures, but selling your soul to Satan is totally not what it’s cracked up to be!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. comacnut says:

    I have two ponies in my bed?

  2. Carbonfish says:

    Can’t you just set up a keyboard shortcut for the possession thingy? I mean, I’m pretty sure you can…

  3. OMGHAX says:

    Crap! Crap! Double crap!

    Wait, what’s Varsity Basketball Association Code go to do with this?

  4. free says:

    what time is it?

  5. Carbonfish says:

    No, no… That’s “crappity, crap, crap, crap.”

    I said that a couple of times this afternoon while mowing the lawn.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    You devil, you.

  7. redeyebase says:

    Wowee.. top 10 tonight.

  8. Nxxx says:

    WRONG!

    Since I went to the crossroads at midnight, my sax playing has been likened to all the greats but my Mac still loves me. Mind you, nobody else does.

    JOHN, THE BEST HELP DESK EVER!

  9. OMGHAX says:

    What time is it? What time is it!?

    Why it’s time you bought a watch, that’s what time it is!

  10. Carl says:

    Selling my soul for 11 was totally worth it.

  11. Rev says:

    Yeah! 12! In your face! In your face!
    …damn.

  12. 2000guitars says:

    Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Comments is totally not what it’s cracked up to be.

    Oh, and thirteenideeth

  13. Huh? says:

    You know, selling your sole isn’t all that bad. Mine got too big for the tank and I…

    What’s that…?

    Oh…

    Never mind.

  14. Garnack says:

    I sold my my soul to Satan once, Then the bastard fought the charges on his MasterofhellCard and got them to reverse the charges because I sold a refurbished soul as new. Now I’m out my soul and the damn merchant credit fees.

    Bastards.

    Always demand cash for your soul and clearly state your return policy.

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    Huh. My Mac has been possessed by Satan lots of times. I don’t even mind anymore. I just repair the permissions, say a couple of Hail Maries, and BOOM, the waitress brings me another IPA.

    Could somebody please turn on a hair dryer?

  16. wlao says:

    Haven’t sold my soul to Satan yet, but I once rented mine to Phil, ruler of Heck.
    Will never do that again – he returned it two weeks late, and God (or whoever) knows where he’s been or what he did to it. Took me several days and a wast amount of laundry detergent to get it back in shape again.

  17. CTHULHU says:

    SATAN?! THAT LOSER CAN BARELY HANDLE MY LEFTOVERS!! EVEN GLAARKU DOES A BETTER JOB OF SOUL-DEVOURING!!!

    HELL (AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY), THAT SATAN GUY HAS TO “BARGAIN” FOR SOULS!!!!! BARGAIN?!!!!!!! GIVE ME A BREAK–ANY DEMON-GOD WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN UNSPEAKABLE HORROR CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

    I GO OFF DREAMING FOR TOO MANY STRANGE ÆONS, AND THIS IS WHAT I COME BACK TO FIND!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIME TO WREAK SOME HAVOK–OLD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    COME ALONG, NIXON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Sitsi says:

    Hey!, I sold my soul to be in the top ten…
    Now what? Is there some, like, consumer protection bureau or something?

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    I sold my sole for rock & roll.

    Then I gave up fishing and got a job in town, so now I listen to a lot of jazz and classical stuff.

  20. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Le Rôti à la Diable can be made with beef or pork : it’s a piece of flesh spread with Moutarde de Dijon (french hot mustard) and wine vinegar, braised in oven.
    Then you call a younger and an older priest, and call the Firemen to generously spray Holy Water on the roaring fire, and go eat fat at KFC.

  21. shawk says:

    You lease your soul to the devil.
    Kids.

  22. Joe #2 says:

    I sold my sole to the devil.

    Boy was he pissed when all he got was half a shoe. I got my Wii. I also got that ninja sexbot, but we won’t mention that. His revenge was to send an Evil Goat™ after me. Totally worth it.

    That said, I will now go have some sexbot attention in front of a goat. What can I say, he likes to watch.

  23. Anomynous says:

    “You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination…”

    Have a familiar what?

  24. kingthedestroyer says:

    From all the research I have done, it is not possible for satan to posses a Mac, (a Lisa,yes, but no way, not a Mac.) He has a deal with Bill, his junior associate, to only posses PC’s, it was part of that deal that made MS the most used OS is the world, you had to kind of figure there was some “damned” reason that happened.

  25. phoned? says:

    Is the iphone delayed?

  26. Rip Ragged says:

    No. Not delayed. Busy.

    Moltz is possessed by Stan. Just one fucking “A” away from true greatness.

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Satan=Santa? You never see those two together…

    Santa did not buy my soul, but he did repossess my car. I was bad that year.

  28. Del says:

    I thought the official “Church of Satan” were mac users?

    Also Moltz you forgot an i in the second question. It involves iFlames.

    Now back to the TP to see what happens when you combine an iFlame with a hot tub full of everclear.

  29. Larry says:

    Santa Claus was a real Christian hero. Playing around with words is not a logical thing to do. Remember God is simply Dog backwards.

    For a Christian perspective on Santa and the use of myth, go to …

    santaisnotsatan.
    bravehost.
    com/

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