01 Jun 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I saw that Apple revamped its Hot Deals page and I was noticing that there are some really hot deals on that page.
A: Uh… yeah.
Q: I’m thinking I’m going to get a 17-inch iMac and one of the MacBooks. I also might get a 20-inch iMac. And MacBook Pro. And maybe a PowerBook.
A: That sounds like kind of a lot.
Q: I don’t think 47 is a lot.
A: 47? You have a problem.
Q: No I don’t. I can quit buying Macs any time I want.
A: You’re a Macaholic.
Q: No I’m not!
A: Yes you are.
Q: No!
A: You’re only fooling yourself.
Q: I… I…
A: Come on. Let it out.
Q: My mother didn’t breast feed me! I buy Macs to fill the void! Waaaah!
A: Tsk. Weird. It always gets back to breast feeding. All the big Mac buyers have breast feeding issues.

Q: I just heard that previous call and I’m calling to complain.
A: Oh. Too creepy?
Q: No! That was Todd! I’m Todd’s mother! And I just want everyone to know that I did breast feed him!
A: Uh…
Q: I breast fed the hell out of him! And this is the thanks I get?!
A: Well, uh, he…
Q: For years I’ve given and given and given for nothing! I gave up all my hopes and dreams!
A: Oh. That’s too…
Q: So, excuse me if I sneak out of the house and buy myself a couple of Macs every week to make me feel like a whole woman again!
A: Ah… huh.
Q: What’s that supposed to mean?! You think my son is a Macaholic because I am?!
A: I’m… going to hang up now.
Q: Oooh, sure[click]

Q: Hi.
A: Oh. Hi.
Q: I’m the previous caller’s husband. And the father of the first caller.
A: Oh.
Q: Yeah.
A: OK.
Q: So… it’s probably not surprising that I have a couple-of-Macs-a-day habit.
A: Not so much.
Q: Mmm. Yeah.
A: Phew.
Q: I’m also an alcoholic.
A: Oh. Of course you are.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Carbonfish says:

    Second or third… Most likely second.

  2. Carbonfish says:

    Since it’s early though, I’ll just take this opportunity to say Ha HA! to the CARS Staff and I prefer Third.

  3. John Moltz says:

    So, Carbonfish is A-Rod. Gotcha.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Fifth or sixth, depending on your vantage point.

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    Seventh or sixth, depending on which direction you’re coming from.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Send John your donations and he will do his best to help this poor Macaholics.
    This will also guarantee your entrance through the Pearly Gates.

    John, remember I’m on 25%.

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    All these years wasted. I mean really, really wasted. And to think I could have been a macaholic. Thank goodness that didn’t happen.

    Although… I am planning to buy a Mac Pro in a couple of weeks. Maybe I should talk to someone.

    No. I’m not an alcoholic. They spend too much time at meetings. And they get really pissy if you show up at the meeting with just a six pack.

  8. Carbonfish says:

    John Moltz Says:

    So, Carbonfish is A-Rod. Gotcha.


  9. Carbonfish says:

    John, if you’re still around, could you un-bold that? I mean, really… what was I thinking?

  10. Carbonfish says:

    Thanks man. You’re a credit to your profession. Wait a minute… What exactly is it that you do again?

  11. John Moltz says:


  12. OMGHAX says:

    Mac Attack!

  13. And another thing... says:

    And a darned fine fishmonger at that, let me tell you… Why, just the other day some fish were mongering, and lo and behold, there was John doing his thing! Sheer beauty at work…

  14. Carbonfish says:

    What does “monging” entail anyway? I mean, if you said you were a fish processor, I would know that you were the part of the fish that controls the execution of program instructions. But a fish monger?

  15. Sudo Nym says:

    Ix-nay on the Acaholic-may.

    These three callers are responsible for 60% of Apple’s repeat business. As a Fantasy League Apple shareholder, I need these people for the fantasy profits that fuel my own fantasy tragic addiction to Zune music players.

  16. Huh? says:

    Did someone say breasts?

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    So if I’m reading this correctly there may be a way to save the money I’m going to blow on the Airport Extreme, new Nano, 24″ iMac and a Mac Mini for the kids.

    Does it have to be my mother’s breasts, coz she’s like 70 now?

  18. redeyebase says:

    Macs? Breasts? Fish? Mongers? A-Rod? I don’t get it.

    John – you should go on MacBreak Weekly. Macaloupe is going to.

  19. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Hello everybody
    My wife refuses I give her an iPod Shuffle (pink) for mother’s day.
    Question is : should I disobey, as she’s not my mother, and buy it ?

    Today, beef entrecĂ´te on barbecue, with aubergine (you yankees really call that eggplant ? Childish.)
    Olive oil, salt, pepper, maybe a pinch of paprika, and Grave (it’s red wine, you ignorant.)

    If I’m refused to become a Macaddict, I’ll be alcoholic. Someone to send some drugs overseas ?

  20. John Moltz says:

    I never get invited anywhere nice.

    I also never get any book deals.

    Not that I’m bitter, because I get great deals on fish.

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    Just a suggestion, John. You’d increase your odds if you’d get that “thing” off of your head. It isn’t like your wife hasn’t told you a hundred times.

    Are we completely out of Twinkies and Cream Soda?

  22. Damn! My SE crashed and died three weeks ago, and now my IIFX is having RAM problems. Do you know how hard it is to get that weird Ram? To make matters worse the black SCSI terminator is turning red. These damn Macs just don’t last. Why people keep buying them I don’t know. They certainly don’t look like breasts. Mcaholics indeed! Personally, I don’t need them. I take comfort in knowing that I just might possibly be twenty-third.

  23. And yes, it is Mcaholics. All my Macs were made in Ireland.

  24. Panduemonium says:

    How did “mom” know it was todd… humm? parental monitoring i presume… and i thought macs wre ‘safe” systems…! certainly not safe for macaholics…i must say..
    And just how old is “Todd” and is he still on the nipple?
    Tune in next Friday for the exciting conclusion and revelation…
    Carsaholics and macaholics be damned… it still is all about the breast…er..well two of them usually… but used one at a time…

  25. I told Mom because, frankly, I’m sick of Todd’s constant whining. Oh, he’s a classic. He has a Performa hidden under the bed; he has Graphite iMac in his garage behind the wet/dry vac. He denies everything. He’s a “social user.” My ass. He even has a G3 iBook under the passenger seat of his pickup truck. And he’s always looking for somebody to listen to his endless sniveling.

    If it hadn’t been for his namby-pamby, pissant, sissy-mary lawsuit we could still be reading Mac Addict if you get my meaning.

    He’s 47 years old. And he stole MY SNUGGY BEAR. Pervert.

  26. Del says:

    Here is the debate. Is Todd a Macaholic because of Nature or Nurture? Of course their is the third option that Mac’s are just so figgen cool who can help buying a couple a day. Though it is an expensive habit. I’ve turned to 419 scams

    Dear CARS readers,

    My name is Del. I am the credit manager in a bank here in the West Africa. I am contacting you of a business transfer, of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that everything has been well taken care off, and all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.To ease your apprehension, I got your contact from the British chambers of commerce and industry, foreign trade division.

    PROPOSITION; I am the account officer of a foreigner named Bill Gates who has recently become deceased in a Mud Wrestling Accident. Shortly after an interview with Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher, Gates and Jobs began to hurl insults. As often happens in the computing industry hurling insults was soon followed by hurling mud. This began the tragic Mud Wrestling match between the two Tech Magnates. Job’s pulled out his infamous Jumping Facebuster followed by a prolonged Boston Crab and Bill choked to death on the muddy filth.

    Since his death, none of his next-of-kin are alive to make claims for this money. We cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. Upon this discovery, I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by a lawyer for the funds Twenty- Eight million, Five Hundred Thousand United States dollars (US$28,500,000.00) in a domiciliary account to be released in your favour as the beneficiary’s next of kin.

    Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavor by furnishing me with the following information if you are interested.

    1. A Beneficiary name.In order for me to prepare the PAPER WORK for transfer of the funds in your name.
    2. Details particulars of your contact address.
    3. Direct Telephone and fax numbers;.For our personal contact

    Thanks and regards, Del

  27. Nxxx says:

    Dear Del,
    Nxxx, Mr.
    c/o CATS Tera-Post, Sleepless in Seatle.
    Telephone 44 WHI 1212 Fax 44 WHI 1213

  28. Emil Nomel Egnaro says:

    Mr. Del,

    I too am beneficiary.

    My name, Emil Nomel Egnaro.

    House at end of lane, Sandy Parish, Bermuda.

    Call Grass Shorts Exchange, ask “Mr. Egnaro, please,” and wait for response. I will be there shortly with bank numbers.

  29. UhhhDude says:


  30. Walking Contradiction says:

    1. A Beneficiary name.In order for me to prepare the PAPER WORK for transfer of the funds in your name.
    2. Details particulars of your contact address.
    3. Direct Telephone and fax numbers;.For our personal contact

    Deer Dell,

    how r u doing today? i’m fine. i am excited to become this transaction. here are i details:

    name: walking contradiction
    address: 742 evergreen terr., terra-post, 28666
    phone: (666)-666-6667 days, (666)-666-6668 evenings

    i noticing you forget to ask for the bank info, so i added it to you:
    bank #:06660-66600, first bank of the damned

    thank you for the informations. i is looking forward to hearing you again.

  31. Quote: : All the big Mac buyers have breast feeding issues.

    What about those of us who choose Whoppers, or Quarter Pounders? Can’t we have breast feeding issues too?

    How do you feed a breast, anyway?

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Hey! I’m a subscriber and I didn’t get the Breast Feeding issue. Was that like a collector’s edition or something? Was Jennifer Frickin Connelly in it? Do I have to go to Barnes & Noble to get it?

    I never get the memo.

  33. Dan says:


    I’m Dan and I’m a Macaholic.

    I’m addicted to Macahol.