04 Jun 07iPhone Ads Reveal Restrictions.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.

No Responses to “iPhone Ads Reveal Restrictions.”

  1. Dreil says:


  2. Carbonfish says:

    I’ll wait for three.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    John, thanks for taking care of the little spelling misstep regarding how Mr. Jobs feel(s). That was a distraction from an otherwise very humorous offering.

  4. Nxxx says:

    How long till the Vegetarian version, that’s what I want to know.
    Jobs has sold out.

  5. comacnut says:

    I had totally forgot that I even had kids. Thanks Steve Jobs!

  6. Streetrabbit says:

    So long as it can be used to bludgeon seals, it’s fine with me.

    And I’ll bet it’s just the right size to block the humpback’s spout.


  7. Jeff Carlson says:

    Pirates with kids, of course, will receive 50% off the cost of an iPhone, plus an additional 5% off for every severed limb (pirate and children combined, not to exceed 40%).

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    I wanted one before, but now with the restrictions it becomes even more desirable. Forbidden fruitcake!

  9. Don of Doom says:

    We will just have to sea if the children can make the top ten….

  10. mick129 says:

    E1even 1s the best.

  11. Sudo Nym says:

    “Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism”

    My God! What kind of savages do they think we are?

    I think “feeding frenzy” is mostly a figure of speech.

  12. redeyebase says:

    Not wanting to abandon John and the gang, i post here at 12:30 a.m.

    And I am 13

  13. Huh? says:

    Well, I’ll have to let my Pants™ purchase my iPhone for me.
    Seeing as how I’m not a Pirate….

  14. Panduemonium says:

    Had to laugh at the ‘pirates’ closer. why are pirates always funny? they seem to be either a mangy lot or swashbucklers… hummmm. Be there pirates on the CARS staff? and be they mangy or– Arrg, be they swashbucklers…

  15. buthidae says:

    Yarrr, this iPhone does be a tool of ye landlubbers. Where be ye satelliPhone?

  16. Anonymous Pirate says:

    Aye, pirates, children, and cannabalism…argh, thats’s good posting.

  17. Mykie says:

    Clearly the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has finally tapped Steve as His chosen prophet on Earth.

  18. Green Beard says:

    Weasels. Weasels are always funny, too. Weasels and pirates.

  19. UhhhDude says:

    What about children of pirates? Do they get a free iPhone?


  20. UhhhDude, please keep your pirotic ejaculations in the margins at all times.

    You heard me.

  21. Uh, piratic.

    Piratic ejaculations.

    You heard me.

  22. blank says:

    I was recently asked, “Ninja or Pirate?” by a co-worker. Since I answered, “ninja” it seems there’ll be no iPhone for me.

    That’s okay actually, since I’ve made it more than clear that I hate phones. Damn electronic ball-and-chain anyway–hey, wait a minute. Captured pirates used to get the ball-and-chain. Now the requirements outlined in today’s CARS make a lot more sense!

    Anyway, I’m still waiting for Apple to rip the phone out of that thing and replace it with a 200 GB hard drive. They’ll probably call it the iPod of doom!

    That’s “doom,” not “zune.” I know they sound similar.

  23. kingthedestroyer says:

    Apple is just setting itself up to take advantage of all the nitch markets that the electronic age is producing. }

  24. W00t! I’m both a pirate and a parent, so iPhone here I come!

    Too bad I hate seafood.

  25. Complete Idiot says:

    “…photos of children attached to an email message…”

    How, exactly, does one go about attaching a child to an email message?

    I know a few I’d like to send off into “undeliverable message”-land.

    I’d even attach photos.

  26. Del says:

    You use staples.

  27. Complete Idiot says:

    Is Office Depot an acceptable substitute?

  28. Sosumi says:

    Now, if your child is a pirate, and you have taken pictures of them at sea, does that qualify you for the purchase of an iPhone?

    And what does AT&T have to do with pirates? Other than they rob you blind. They certainly don’t have parrots on their shoulders at AT&T do they?

  29. CAPTIN LOCKS says:

    HA! I’M BACK!

  30. Walking Contradiction says:

    Canibalistic child pirates, now that’s good eatin! Throw in the Flying Spaghetti Monster and we have a meal!


    Oh wait, it’s just a post? Hmm, I’m starting to wonder if I have a little termite in me …

  31. Walking Contradiction says:

    Sosumi had this to say:

    And what does AT&T have to do with pirates? Other than they rob you blind.

    Do we need anything else? How about this, they rape, pillage and plunder their customer base. What else does it mean to be a pirate? What do you want, to see them print “Aaarrrrrrrrr ye scalliwag” on your bill?

  32. Scott the Pirate says:

    “…plus an additional 5% off for every severed limb…”

    What about gouged out eyes (with an eye patch of course)?

  33. Sitsi says:

    Does anyone noticed that you need 9 months to have a child? And the iPhone will be here in 1 month! Why Apple didn’t announce this with enough time to prepare?

  34. Sitsi says:

    Is adoption an option?

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    I knew it was going to cost an arm and a leg. I just didn’t know they could be somebody else’s.

    Will a crabby adolescent cover the “child” thing? I have one of those. This is all just so complicated.

    Extra cheese. Hold the crushed nuts.

  36. uyhwgjhkwa says:

    Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! mwipcqtygenzwy