05 Jun 07Apple Adds Killer Feature To iPhone.

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

44 Responses to “Apple Adds Killer Feature To iPhone.”

  1. martd13 says:


  2. martd13 says:

    Now I really must read the post and sleep…yes….sleep…

  3. redeyebase says:

    not asleep tonight, i am not

  4. martd13 says:

    Might I recommend a third party peripheral of Guinness or a nice Samuel Adams?

  5. redeyebase says:

    Hmmm, Moltz … a minor misspelling …we’ll forgive you … too much beer and all.

    “The details of this startling new feature where not available at press time.”

  6. Carbonfish says:

    Lucky number Seven.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Damn! When I read the title of the post, I thought that Jobs and the development team finally grew some hair on their collective butts and made a product that could inflict lethal damage.

    I mean, wouldn’t that make Apple detractors much less likely to spout off about the versatility of their pet product if they knew that if you piss off an iPhone owner you might get a first-hand demo of the “killer feature”?

    You’re damn right it would!

  8. Carbonfish says:

    Oh yeah, while we’re doing the spell check thing, it’s pundits.


  9. Colonel Panic says:

    Ninth! And I’m buying a round for all!

  10. Colonel Panic says:

    Or tenth (do I have enough cash to buy THAT many rounds…?)

  11. Sudo Nym says:

    Clearly a misquote:

    “I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

    The correct term is “might OF swallowed my gum.”

    Or maybe Enderle is trying to get all Ivy League on us. In which case, I shouldna said anything.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    Kool-Aid would be a better beverage to dispense.

    Then iPhone believers could be denigrated simply by saying they “drank the Kool-Aid.”

  13. Capt. Low-level Anxiety says:

    The iPhone is proof that Steve loves us and wants us to be happy.

  14. OMGHAX says:

    Swallowed his gum eh? Perhaps Ole Uncle Enderle can’t chew and pat his head at the same time.

  15. Don of Doom says:

    I need to ask a question that I’ve been wanting to ask for ages….who are the rest of the people in the Enderie Group??

  16. I have to ask…is there an Apple geek who’s ever got to the bottom of a full glass of beer without falling over and puking on his sandals?

  17. Step says:

    Dang! I thought the killer feature would be … that the iPhone could kill people.

    I mean, what do you think I expect from this site?!! How could you miss your obvious chance to bring up sexbots and ninjas?!!((&#$!^(!&)!

    :sob: I’m so disappointed. 🙁

  18. ryan says:

    Fan boy, I shall answer you… I am one of the hugest mac geeks in the world. This very night, I gave a PC IT guy his first mac since the days of os 7. It was an old dual 500mhz g4. once that was called a supercomputer, now it is almost scoff-able… but this aged mac did shine with all if its glory, creating a convert instantly. So that is the kind of computer nerd I am… I donate old macs to PC folk to show them the light. I live and dream mac, and I am counting the days til my beloved iPhone is released.

    I also own a kegerator. I usually buy a local brew called “Kilt Lifter” (6% alcohol) and a keg lasts me one week. I drink out of 1 liter german beer glasses. I can’t guarantee I won’t puke if I drink a gallon of beer, but YES – I can drink my way to the bottom of a glass or two and keep my footware vomit free.

    Therefore, for me, this is the greatest feature in the world. The one I have been waiting for its as if Steve Jobs read my mind… or better, shown me the possibilities that I never dreamed could exist. For example, earlier today I was at work and thought, “I need a beer.” First I think to my self “I wish I had my kegerator here.” then I think, “I wish I had an iPhone to look up a nearby bar.” With this new feature – I HAVE MY KEGERATOR WITH ME!!!

    wow.. I am beginning to tear up just thinking about it.

  19. ryan says:

    if you over use the iPhone’s tap, it could very well be a killer feature… especially when combined with automobiles.

    also, over-use can have you thinking your toaster (or maybe your harmon kardon iSub) is a sexbot.

    additionally, severe overuse can case delusions of being chased by lesbian ninja, possibly leading to dangerous limb breaking accidents.

    so it does all relate to killer ninja sexbots if you think about it.

  20. Streetrabbit says:

    Oh boy, tell me there’ll be a wireless pudding adapter for the tap. Please please please.

  21. Nxxx says:

    Will I be able to get whatever beer I like from the iPhone.
    It is information like that that I need, so off you go and get it Young Johnny.

  22. NWJR says:

    The Linux phones dispense WINE.

  23. Kevin says:

    OK, this one is *totally* unrealistic. If the Apple iPhone dispensed anything, it would be a really, really good wine. Of course, then Micro$oft would release a new version of the Zune which they claimed dispensed bear, but actually dispensed bear piss…


  24. UhhhDude says:

    Beer tap? Meh.

    Now, a 32-inch screen would be a killer feature for an iPhone.

    Also, screw the margins!


  25. UhhhDude, please keep your frothy fermentations overflowing the margins: a 32-inch screen would hold a lot more beer.

  26. Dang it. I just checked the iPhone dept. here at Cupertino and rummaged through the blueprints. Looks as though the designers were worried about airplane use–it only holds 3 ounces of beer.

  27. Derik says:

    *hiccup* They put Sam Adams in it too. Classy.

  28. Del says:

    That’s it I’m sueing apple for stealing our idea. Way back in the days of the Mega-Post we found a way to take a Hallmark iPod, the hmPod, and wire it so the line out fed into the line in. The hmPod was forced to constantly listen to all that Hallmarky sentimental crap it spewed and that caused the hmPod to create unlimited amounts of booze that it would attempt to drown it’s sorrows in. A user could extract the alcohol for consumption.

    Apple obviously stole our prototypes. Now we finally know why the Mega-Post was closed down. Apple sealed it off so we could never retrieve our inventions as proof that we did it first.

  29. blank says:

    I sure have to re-examine my position relative to this iPhone thing now. I still hate phones, but I love beer more!

    Further research indicates that this will use some sort of quantum-entanglement teleportation device to insure a fresh supply of the user’s preferred beer is always at immediate beck and call. Make mine Guinness!

  30. @ blank: Sorry I missed that when rummaging through blueprints. I overheard Woz chatting to himself in the mens room; turns out Apple realized a loophole in US law–the beer teleportation device alone weighs 3 ounces and does indeed connect to a beer repository in Boston, MA, using a proprietary protocol and extendable hose. The tap and teleportation device will be detachable.

  31. kingthedestroyer says:

    mmm, beer, but I would like rum more, maybe that’s the pirate in me, as in yo ho ho and a bottle of

  32. Anomynous says:

    Sorry Moltz, you got it wrong. The iPhoneTap is a secret device that will be sold exclusively to the NSA, not a tap on the side of the iPhone.

  33. Someone says:

    This would be too good to be true, if not for this little fact: the iPhone will embed your phone number in your beer.

  34. spresso says:

    I’m concerned about keg life and lack of keg replaceability though.

  35. Del says:

    Why do I feel this is a Conspiracy with Apple and Google.


  36. Rip Ragged says:

    ryan is a local.

    Only locals drink Kilt Lifter.

    If you get it on tap, right there on Pike Street, you are in Nirvana. (I know, Nirvana is from Aberdeen, but you get the idea anyway).

  37. The Incredible Mr says:

    While a killer feature is definitely cool, I think it would be more useful in day-to-day life to be able to set it just to stun. Are you listening Apple?

  38. iphony says:

    so would this be an enabler of drunk dialing?

  39. Derik says:

    iphony, it includes a breathalizer to enforce drunk dialing. If you don’t say it drunk, it’s not worth saying.

  40. CAPTAIN LOCKS says:


  41. TuCats says:

    The good news is that they don’t need FCC approval for this modification to the design, because the Justice Department has already authorized nearly unlimited phone taps.


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