08 Jun 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m thinking about getting an iPhone when they come out but I’m confused about some of the stuff they showed in the commercial. For instance, how does the iPhone do positioning?
A: Well, I hear it has a built-in GPS.
Q: No, no, no. That’s in rev. 2 which is coming in July. What I heard was that the initial unit uses the cell towers to figure out where you are.
A: That’s crazy talk. My brother says that it takes the picture on your user account, uses a heuristic algorithm to find your face in Google Maps zoom feature and then uses that to pinpoint your location.
Q: You are just recklessly repeating spurious rumors. My understanding is that AT&T is going to tag each customer with a chip so they can identify them. Like the dogs they are.
A: Pshaw. You’re having feverish nightmares. It’s a simple fact that Apple has tiny little people that live inside the products they sell us and report back on our every movement. That’s how they make stuff we can’t help but buy and that’s how they’re going to know where we are.
Q: Hmm. Yeah, OK, you’re probably right about that one.
A: Yeah, it just feels right, doesn’t it?

Q: After enjoying my iPod so much and hearing such great things about the Mac from my Mac-using friends, I finally broke down and bought myself a MacBook a couple of months ago. I have been really disappointed.
A: Oh, really? Well, what is it you’re trying to do with your MacBook?
Q: I’m just trying to get a sense of satisfaction, you know? A good user experience? And so far it’s been sadly lacking.
A: OK, well…
Q: And I tried to take it back to the Apple Store and they wouldn’t take it back!
A: Is it not…
Q: I just think that’s totally unacceptable! Here Apple markets its products as easy-to-use and providing a richer computing environment and when their products fail to deliver, they refuse to take responsibility!
A: Did you…
Q: And it’s not me! I mean, I have to tell you, I pressed my genitals up against this machine night after night and it was not in the least bit erotic!
A: You pressed your…
Q: My genitals. What else would I press up against it? I know a lot of people say they love their Macs, but I’m just not feelin’ it.
A: Uh… well, OK. OK. I can play this game. Maybe you just didn’t press them up against it hard enough.
Q: Hmm. Well, I’ll go back and try again, but I was pressing pretty hard.
A: Just, you know, give it the old college try.
Q: I shall endeavor to press my genitals up against my MacBook extremely hard!
A: That’s great. That’s… yeah. It’s days like this that make it worth coming to work.

Q: I just read that last question and I am totally offended.
A: Oh, hey, I know. We get that a lot. Uh, just last week as a matter of fact. Hmm. But, listen, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
Q: What? No! I’m not offended by the caller! I’m offended by your snide and condescending attitude toward him!
A: Oookay.
Q: Listen, the expression of love between a man and his computer is a beautiful thing.
A: He wasn’t expressing love. He was rubbing his junk on it.
Q: …
A: Uh, yeah.
Q: OK, well, I’ll just leave a pamphlet for our organization – the North American Man/Mac Love Association – and be on my way.
A: Oooh, no you don’t. Take that thing with you.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. disgruntled cynic says:

    First?!?! I’m Firstest?!?!

  2. Moof says:

    Yup. But 2 is more than 1

  3. redeyebase says:


  4. Wesley says:

    iPhone is the new Mac. I have four fish sticks here to prove it.

  5. Carbonfish says:

    I hate being four so much that I may just sit here and hold my breath, and refuse to read the ‘help desk’ until I can be five.

    I refuse to do any more pro bono proofreading for the CARS Staff though. If I point out any more glaring typographical errors, somebody’s gettin’ a bill!

  6. Yourmedic says:

    I was delayed by typing errors (apparently my keyboarddddd issticky()

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Ha HA! Made you look John! Ha hahahahahahahahahahahah.

    O.K. That came off a little more juvenile than I meant it to.


  8. John Moltz says:

    Uh… actually, you didn’t. I’m too full of liquor to look on my own. You’re going to have to give me citations of typos.

  9. Carl says:

    Typo #1: Your name is really “Jon Maltz.”

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Malty or Hoppy? That is the question.

  11. Nxxx says:

    So America will not have a shortage of soprano choirs.
    Best Help Desk yet, John.

  12. Sudo Nym says:

    Everybody who sees that iPhone commercial assumes the iPhone does positioning. Why would you assume that?

    Each iPhone has a random location programmed in at the factory. After purchasing an iPhone, the customer should move to that location, thus making it easy to find the nearest dead squid shop.

    If for some obscure reason you don’t want to find the nearest dead squid shop, why are you so anxious to get your hands on an iPhone?

  13. Rip Ragged says:

    Little people inside? Oh please. I am so not buying that one. If there were little people inside…

    Wait a minute. Maybe that’s where that six pack went last weekend.

    Maybe that does make sense…

  14. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    That’s why I generously spill coffee and crumbles of things on my MacBook. You have to feed this things, you know. Not to have bad reports.

    You want beer, kids ?

  15. NickatNite says:

    NAMMLA? Strange, I woke up this morning thinking about NAMBLA. Not in a dirty way, but in the Daily Show or South Park sort of way.

  16. Loose Leaf says:

    My MacBook likes SpaghettiO’s. I have to run them through a blender to get them in the CD slot. It keeps the little people happy so its worth it.

    I’m not sure SpaghettiO’s will fit in an iPhone. Until someone figures out what to feed the little people in the iPhone, I’m not going to buy one. I don’t want a bad report.

  17. Anonymous Coward says:

    My son plays with Little People™. I thought the little people in my iMac, iBook and iPod might be getting bored. I stuffed Little People™ through the headphone ports on all three. They, the Macs, seem much happier now. I think my iBook smiled at me.

  18. Steve G. says:

    Those of us in the North American Michael Myers Look Alikes are upset about this Man/Mac love thing. We don’t want any kind of confusion, like in that South Park episode. So don’t complain if someone shows up at your door in a hockey mask wanting to kill both you and your Mac.

    It’s easier to be a bunch of people in hockey masks, than look like Mike Myers.

  19. Sitsi says:

    I held my breath more than you!
    Hahaha! 😛

  20. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Hey !
    I don’t even have a hockey mask
    but I got the envy
    the will
    the need
    to meet you !

    And, eventually
    I don’t have any breath at all.

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    If I have to look like Mike Myers, I’m not doing the Austin Powers version. That’s just too much. Maybe I’ll just do the voiceover for a cartoon that looks vaguely like Al Gore. Would that be good enough?

  22. UhhhDude says:

    You mean to tell me that, if you always wanted to do something for the “Little People,” all you’d have to do is buy an iPhone?

    Well, take me there! I’ll be glad to help the little people. I’ll just need for you to float me a loan until next week, however.


  23. Fake John Moltz says:

    UhhhDude, please keep your vowels within the car at all times while it is in motion.

  24. MacPaul says:

    I’ll just come back later till i’m number 667 then…

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