11 Jun 07WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!

We’re here, we’re queer (well, one of us, anyway) and we’re ready to be wowed!

Energize reality distortion field! Ou deflectors to maximum!

Engage!

————-

9:57 AM – Something weird is going on. And I don’t mean David Pogue running around in that Peter Pan outfit throwing rose petals. We’ve come to expect that.

Every. Damn. Conference.

No, it’s the Entity. He keeps flickering. On and off. I’m a little worried about him. I feel like I should get him to a doctor. But where the hell am I going to find a good particle physicist two minutes before the keynote?

10:02 AM – Lights dim! A new Mac ad! John Hodgman as Steve. “Vista’s been selling dozen of copies.” Really? Was it that many?

10:04 AM – A Schiller joke. I hate it when Apple works my side of the street. And now… Steve!

OH, MY GOD, HE’S 9 FEET TALL! How did they do that?!

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m looking at the screen.

10:10 AM – An award for Intel. And Electronic Arts is coming back to the Mac! Yeah! CCO says “Just dual boot into Windows!”

The crowd is rushing the stage! They’re ripping him to pieces! Oh, the humanity!

10:15 AM – John Carmack from Id takes the stage which is covered with blood and entrails. He’s kind of used to that, though.

They’re not bringing any games to the Mac, he just wanted to say “Hi”.

Huh.

10:20 AM – Leopard features! Top secret! Eyes only! New desktop! Translucent menus! 3D dock! Stacks!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

10:21 AM – “And what I’d love to do is show it to you.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that on the street in San Francisco.

Know what I mean?

Think you do.

10:24 AM – “Boom.” We have first “Boom”! Who had 10:24 in the pool?

10:25 AM – New Finder! New Finder! New Finder! NEW FINDER! NEW! FUCKING! FINDER!

10:27 AM – You can browse files using Coverflow. “And with file preview, we just made looking at your porn that much easier,” says Steve.

10:32 AM – You can browse your home folder via .Mac.

We’re circling a petition for Apple to hold Leopard until January under the idea that if it’s this cool because they held it for October, just think how amazing it’ll be by January!

10:33 AM – Uh, maybe that’s not such a great idea. Didn’t really think that through.

10:35 AM – Uh…

Now the Entity is showering sparks from his hood.

He’s done that before, but with the flickering thing… I dunno.

10:37 AM – Leopard is 64 bit from top to bottom.

“Except for some 16 bit parts we just can’t get rid of for sentimental reasons.”

Huh?

10:41 AM – Feature number the fifth – Core Animation.

We are half way through the new features he’ll show. And if I didn’t mention this, he’s removing an article of clothing for each feature.

10:44 AM – INTERMISSION

Yep. Half way through the features so… time to head out to the lobby for a drink and a smoke. Go to the bathroom. Maybe get some Dots.

10:46 AM – OK, we’re back! Boot Camp! Built in to Leopard.

So, if you’re filled with self-loathing, Apple’s got you covered.

10:48 AM – Spaces! (All new features must be followed by an exclamation mark as required by law.)

A new widget for movie times! OH, MY GOD!

Oh.

Sorry, I’m just a little excited.

Uh, is there any reason to open Sherlock anymore? Remember when that was the app of the future? Apple’s web strategy? Yeah, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Holmes.

10:53 AM – WebClip!

Steve makes widgets out of Dilbert and National Geographic.

But YOU know what it can be used for.

Wink-wink.

Heh-heh.

Oooooh, yeah.

Bawm-chicka-wacka-wacka.

10:56 AM – iChat!

C’mon, Phil!

10:57 AM – Heh-heh.

Awwwww, yeah.

Phil.

11:00 AM – Phil’s showing backgrounds for iChat. Funny stuff.

But, uh, Phil, next time I’d like to see you in something a little dressier. Something with a collar. Nnkay?

This isn’t hockey practice, Phil.

11:04 AM – Time Machine!

Steve is now chastising everyone for not backing up as often as they should.

Now he’s chastising everyone for not flossing enough.

We’re also not eating enough bran.

Call your mother.

Etc.

11:06 AM – And that’s all 10!

Thanks for coming, everyone! Have a great afternoon!

11:09 AM – Oh, wait, he’s not done.

He just caused the entire audience to crap themselves by pretending they were rollout out a basic and premium version. Kudos to you, mercurial one!

11:10 AM – Safari. On Windows.

But Steve, we don’t use Windows. Jeez. Isn’t that obvious? I mean… it’s not me, right? It’s him.

11:15 AM – “But I do have one other thing…”

Drama queen.

11:17 AM – The Entity is now rebroadcasting some Mexican radio station.

Ooh, boy.

11:19 AM – “You can develop web apps for the iPhone!”

Thanks! No fricking duh!

Literally everyone in the audience is moving their fist up and down over their lap. Even the women.

11:22 AM – OK, at some point there has to be a hardware announcement, right?

C’mon! Johnny needs a new iMac!

11:24 AM – Hey, did little Scotty Forstall just say “Boom”?

You can’t say “Boom”! Only Steve can say “Boom”!

Steve, that bitch thinks he can use your toothbrush!

11:26 AM – Aaaaaand…

That’s it.

Hrm.

Oh, crap, I’d better get the Entity to JPL or something.

42 Responses to “WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!”

  1. disgruntled cynic says:

    Looks everybody’s busy. Whaddya s’pose everybdy’s doin’ at this hour on a Monday morning?

  2. disgruntled cynic says:

    Maybe they’re all learnin’ to type. Yeesh! More coffee! Stat!

  3. disgruntled cynic says:

    Will there be fireworks? ‘Cause I really like the ones that asplode in cool shapes.

  4. John Moltz says:

    Oh, they’ll be along shortly.

  5. Garnack says:

    Present and accounted for, Sir!

  6. John Moltz says:

    Everybody sound off as you enter! And find your buddy!

  7. disgruntled cynic says:

    Oh GAWD! I can’t find my buddy! I CAN’T FIND MY BUDDY! It’s already started and I’M LOST!

  8. ed says:

    help, i’m a bug!

  9. disgruntled cynic says:

    Garçon! More whiskey and sex over here, please.

  10. Klayman says:

    And the pony? I don’t see him mentioning the pony anywhere. Bummer.

  11. Klayman says:

    btw. it needed to be during a keynote for me to manage top ten. But it happened. Barkeep, next round’s on me!

  12. disgruntled cynic says:

    You didn’t update the whole time Phil was on stage. A little wardrobe crticism at the end isn’t going to hide your man-crush.

  13. emittan says:

    “dotmac knows the IP address of your computer” Omigod! The ichat calls are coming from inside the house!

  14. emittan says:

    okay. Seriously. I’m on a mac, and I don’t even use Safari. I’m a Camino man. I mean, if it syncs my bookmarks with dotmac like on my…uh…mac…then I’ll maybe consider putting it on my windows box. I think.

  15. Klayman says:

    tehee, I can imagine ACDC as background music with the whole iPhone 3rd party thing.

    “Giving the dog a bone”

  16. Klayman says:

    So… uhm… no iMacs? no LNSB? Why the f*** is apple store down then??

  17. John Muir says:

    Johnny needs a new iMac, and he’s not the only one…

    Still, the new cat’s nice. Wonder what it’s breath is like.

  18. lurg says:

    so with the whole strip-tease per feature thing, what was Steve left with ?
    suspenders and crotchless panties ?

  19. blank says:

    Fine print found on the newly revamped Apple site:

    “Pony not included.”

    Boom.

    That so sucks.

  20. ap says:

    damn pogue, jobs is gonna get questions at the next Disney meeting.

  21. shawk says:

    Not one word about the Leopard packaging.
    Does Leopard have a big package?
    If you know what I mean.

    Not. One. Word.
    What are they ashamed of?
    Ending a sentence in a proposition or a orange jump suit?
    Which is it?

  22. won says:

    The Apple Store (and presumably the rest of the site) was down to upload the new redesign, created ostensibly so that it works on an iPhone.

    Please note: Third use of “ostensibly” ever on CARS. I’ve got a whole barrel of smugness here. Anyone want some?

  23. Michael Kelty says:

    Remember waaay back on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 when the Entity said

    “I will achieve complete particle singularity and be accelerate out of this plane of existence… [The Entity consults his watch]… at 6:15 PM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2007.”

    Well, I for one expect results.

    And yes, I am pathetic enough to have put that on my calendar…

  24. Huh? says:

    Hey! I’m here!
    Has it started yet?

    I even brought my pony, just in case…
    In case of what, I don’t know. But it’s here anyway.

    Nxxx, stop doing that to my pony, please.

  25. “Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!”

    Ah, gets me every time.

    You know, twice.

    Also, of Leopard:

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

  26. Carbonfish says:

    WTF?? Daytimey posting? Say it isn’t so. Well this has completely thrown my whole day off schedule… now I feel like a nap and I still have a ton of work to do… and people are watching! How can I nap with all of these people expecting that I actually do something around here.

    *sigh*

  27. NWJR says:

    It’s DEMOCRACY! WHISKY! SEXY!

    Or maybe it was PONIES! WHISKY! SEXY!

    I forget.

    Click the link and buy a damn T-shirt anyway.

  28. Sudo Nym says:

    “I ain’t got no buddy,
    And no buddy cares for me.”

    And, to be frank, I don’t blame ’em one bit.

  29. Dishwasher Safe says:

    Wow! What happened? We were trying to get downtown for the rally really early, but Jack slipped on the stairs and fractured his little toe, and then the aliens came over to jam and they’d come so far… I just wish they’d have called first…

  30. Ace Deuce says:

    Thanks, CARS. That was almost like being there. And this is almost like being here.

  31. Nxxx says:

    Thank you John for putting your life at risk to bring us truth.
    It’s no good, can’t see the keyboard for tears. John we are privileged to have you.

  32. OMGHAX says:

    JPL? I’d say more like Brookhaven!

  33. UberMac says:

    John,
    It’s a masive nerd-fest, every third attendee is a particle physicist!

  34. Streetrabbit says:

    How many bits will I need to add to my LC580?

    Frilly bits? What?

    What kinda bits?

  35. Anonymous Coward says:

    My favorite part was the 2 minute intermission to pee, buy dots, smoke, fondle the pony, drink whiskey, say hi to Huh? and the Pants™. Good to see them in public again, together. Makes a grown many cry.

  36. UhhhDude says:

    Apple Insider, please keep your stolen schtick inside the margins at all times.

  37. Doc Wolfram says:

    Well, John, you sure outdid yourself this time. With a post that massive, I think that you can take tomorrow off.

    Either that or just punch us with a pithy three-liner.

    I guess I’m a day late and a dollar short.

  38. kingthedestroyer says:

    Man!!, that iPhone better be pretty damn good, they’re really getting behind on the software and hardware updates to play with that thing.

  39. Rip Ragged says:

    I didn’t get to see it. Were there any announced updates to Pong? I’ve been using the same software since 1976. I have HD now. Maybe we could get some new colors or a couple of new game variations.

    Also, I’m wondering when my leisure suit will be back from the cleaners.

  40. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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