I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.
He was 43.
That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.
Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.
And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.
“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”
Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.
He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.
And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.
And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.
And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.
Oh, and he could read floppy disks.
And…
Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.
‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.
Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.
It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.
More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.
Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.
I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.
Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.
Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.
Well… see you next Wednesday.
I think.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
um…
Well, I suppose I can deal with it.
I mean, we have the terapost still.
Enjoy the week, John.
2 Ponies
Three?
Wow, continuity is weird.
I read it, and the linked page first, even.
People are sloooooow tonight.
Very sad 🙁
A week off?
Oh, I am so not amused. First you make me take a cut in pay because of “reorganizing,” now this?
I’m going to have to lay off a masseuse, and cut the staff at the Hamptons summer house, and now you’re taking a week off? That’s it. I am not paying for my own CARS bowling shirt. And you can borrow somebody else’s favorite polo pony.
I certainly hope this isn’t the last of the caviar.
Cleon, bring the car around.
But. But. He’s the best energy EVER.
Number Nine.
You really wanted the week off, eh?
So wait a minute. If the Entity achieved complete particle singularity, wouldn’t that mean that he was only apparently gone? I am pretty sure that there is at least an equal probability that he is still here as there is that he is not, at least at the quantum level of organization, that is. One way to find out would be to send Schroedinger’s pony after him. Just tell the pony that the Entity has an Apple in his pocket. Or, for that matter, if he does have an Apple in his pocket, you could just call him…
ELEVINITUS!
Entity oh Entity,
wherever did you go?
We shall miss your effervescence
we shall miss your glow.
Your oneness with the universe
it makes us rather sad,
You could have stayed till father’s day
and filled the role of Dad.
We shall miss thee, Entity
you really were the best.
A paragon of manliness,
in drab druidic dress!
farewell
You’ve got to be a brave little soldier John, as you are now the man in CARS.
Seven days of counselling, no alcohol, extreme exercise and running across Interstates should set you up for your new task.
Just remember his chequebook fondly, we will.
All glowy all the time.
Now THAT’S an epitaph. It’s my dream that one day people will describe me that way – in such … ummm… terms like that.
Ah, Entity, we knew ye not…yadda, yadda, yadda…and so CARS gets a new benefactor.
just just
The favicon shall remain forever in his memory.
If this creature is advanced enough to achieve single particle singularity, would he not be advanced enough to communicate back to us? I mean, we all knew the dude was friggin smart, but wow, that just tops the charts. If he wants to he should be able to talk. But then that brings up the question of why WOULD he want to talk to such lowly lifeforms as are? How do we engage him with such crass (yet entertaining) commentary? How did we EVER do that? The only answer is that he is a mentally deformed or perverse ascended one who decided to be with us for a while for its own reasons. Why would we want to emulate such a form?
Well, because even those he’s a degenerate, he’s still so much cooler than us, measuring in the Tera-Fonzies on the coolometer. To brutally honest, I only rate in 15 fonzies on a good day (so Prof. Farnsworth tells me), so I am an insignificant bug in comparison. Reflections of his fonzie-radiation in my body would raise it a few points when he was in the room, but that’s not saying much about me.
I think I’ll have a little cry over the loss, but secretly gloat that now there’s no comparison.
Wait, what do you mean no one even thought to compare? I – had – dreams… goals… aspirations… :’-(.
Thus the ego is by no means invinsible. Entity, we all loved/loathed you. Please do/don’t come back!
Let me get this straight. Your boss “disappears” and you immediately decide to take a week off. This all just seems a little convienent. Does particle singularity mean that you used a chainsaw?
I can provide some cake receipts. Tarts. Charlotte aux fraises. Soufflé aux framboises. Croustillant aux deux chocolats. Bombe glacée.
But…shouldn’t there be some police around ? I mean, this guy…er…thing…kinda…waddjacallit ? energy plant in the form of a …human ? disappeared. A day there, he other -wack !- it’s gone. Strange, no ?
Don’t leave the state, we’ll see you soon.
Liberate tuteme ex inferis
(::grins:: and there I was, thinking that was the sorta quote you could never possibly put into a different context…)
John, the saddest part (after the checkbook) is that he missed the debut of the iPhone.
Entity, since you’re there, say hi to John Sheridan for me.
And that guy from SG-1.
*SOB*
WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
My sincerest condolences, John. Keep a stiff upper lip.
UhhhDude, please keep your compassionate condolences inside the confines of the commentlist classed container.
Hey the entity still owes me $40 bucks. That jerk, that’s it I’m done being nice about it. Saddle up Schrödinger’s pony guys, I’m going after the entity.
Yay, Del! Could you take some luggage? The plutonium I sent came back marked “No such address.”
If I’m taking luggage we may need another pony to pack it out.
Who’s got the other Schrödinger pony?
ehm… the other pony is actually playing hide and seek with the cat. Can’t say for how long or where, for obvious reasons…
Which is hiding?
Maybe the cat is blind.
lol, i wouldn’t know. It’s a probability anyway. I guess.
you said “enity”. heh.
UhhhDude, you forgot your question mark. Here it is:
?
Are you sure that’s his question mark? It might be mine. Can you describe it?
The real tragedy of this has yet to be commented upon: Thor has to make do with a Porsche!
Oh, the humanity! Won’t someone think of the children?
I’m sure he’ll buck up and accept the hardship without complaint, though.
What a guy!
even though galifrey was destryoed in the time wars, is there anything that the spirit of rasilon could do?
Whoa dude. The Entity? Whoa.
I mean…that’s just.
Whoa dude.
Seriously.
Whoa.
Del, the pony doesn’t seem to be here (or maybe it is), but Schrödinger’s llama is over in the corner.
I suppose this means that the CARS Boeing Business Jet will need to be traded in for a smaller and much less desirable Falcon 7X.
The Falcon is a decent intercontinental business jet but still…
ONLY one shower and one bedroom.
NO massage table or swimming pool.
WORSE, the headroom is going down from a reasonable 7’3″ to a cramped 6’1″; I hope the CARS staff is short.
AND NOT enough seats for all the lesbian ninja sexbots.
This is sad.
Hey, I thought Thor drove a Bugatti Veyron, not a common Lamborghini or a plebeian Porsche.
But if CARS had a serious budget, Thor would drive an Aston Martin DB4GT Zagato.
I take it that cost cutting has been going on for some time.
This explains the inexpensively produced Friday Help Desks
Thor didn’t drive a CAR. He was part of CARS, but he rode a pony.
He will be missed.
The answer is both and neither.
I’ll take Schrödinger’s llama THIS time, but next time I go off chasing a particle singularity in the Arcturus Nebula I’m taking the pony. That should be next Tuesday so mark it in your calendar.
My deepest condolences John, it must be very distressing to loose such a useful ah… thi…crea … no, uh, entity, yes I guess that really was the best term. Our’s is not to question why, but to do or die, damn particle singularity, quantum mechanics and all other such… stuff.
can the entity be hired (in another form of course) for other rumor sites?
At least he went out with a nice bang!
It could have been worse, he could have just ended up sitting in a diner eating onion rings.
Then friggin static and a Journey song.
WFT
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????????????????
(thud)
Whoa. I think I just went through a quantum singularity. Or maybe a temporal rift.
Either way, they’ve got friggin’ Starbucks over there, too!
(The ubiquitous coffeehouse chain, not the transformed Viper pilot from Battlestar Galactica. Although that would have been a LOT more awesome.)
After reading …and rereading… looking.. for…clues…Ahh its the Pen…its not JUST a pen. It is the cingularity, uncertainty programming device…. Thats why the iPhone was delayed… YES! YES… That’s it… X on the iPhone, Safaris (in foreign galaxies) on the iPhone… He had to leave for steve… wow what pull… steve may be the Doctor… or bebblebrox or something… Fake steve is the other head…. and 42… he was past the answer to everything…. yes it all makes sense or cents… being as how Entity had the checkbook too… got to go now… the black helis are wop, wopping overhead…
I heard that in Rhode Island Starbucks opened a new outlet inside of an existing outlet to capitalize on the walk-in traffic.
Ah, once again the store within a store within a store within a store within…
Marooon!
Don’t keep shouting “Maroon”.
It is the signal to man the lifeboat.
Been down the Wandle Station three times already on false alarms.
And stop calling me Captain Birdseye.