12 Jun 07In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.


Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

278 Responses to “In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    Just my luck, get a chance to relieve some dood of his, was just going to put ‘unconscious’ before ‘dood’ and the total futility of it struck me,
    Want to buy a rope but the shops are closed. Life is so unfair.

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Nxxx, the new way to commit suicide is to die of old age. No rope needed, and you shouldn’t have to wait too long.


  3. Nxxx says:

    Ace, are you Scottish?
    Is your surname Macabre?

  4. Ace Deuce says:



  5. Nxxx says:

    OMG Ace, now we’ve slept together!

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    According to Google Earth, you’re over 4800 miles away with Greenland in between. Let’s keep it that way–Just stay on your side of the planet and I won’t press charges!

  7. Nxxx says:

    You mean that was free?

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    If you check your bank account, you may notice a substantial unauthorized withdrawal.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Aha. Outhought you. Do not have a bank account.
    Just a moment……………….
    Who stole my mattress?

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    The odd thing is that when I woke from my nap, instead of my wallet being stolen, I’ve found I now have two.

    Must be sleepwalking again.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    The management has just posted a sign on the Peta-Post prohibiting loitering. I’m hosting a sit-in to protest. If you care to join the cause, please bring something to eat, as I forgot my lunch.

  12. Nxxx says:

    Why can’t we eat you?
    I’m willing to bring my portable barbie.

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey, don’t go canni-ballistic on me!

  14. Nxxx says:

    Apologies Ace. Forgot for a moment that I was a veggie.
    Whatever you do, don’t dye your hair green.

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    What is this “hair” of which you speak? Does it come in colors?

  16. Nxxx says:

    It takes one slaphead to recognise another.

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    Aah, nobody in here for almost a month … time to put up the hammock and get some shut-eye.


  18. Nxxx says:

    You just woke me up with your snoring.

  19. Nxxx says:

    Whoever drops in, please do it quietly as Ace is still akip,

  20. Nxxx says:

    As he’s been asleep so long, I wonder if he’s carked it?
    Wonder if I can get his wallet.

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    ZZZzzz … Wha? Hey! Who stole my iPhone?

    Oh, that’s right, I don’t have an iPhone. Must have been dreaming again.

  22. Nxxx says:

    He thinks a bar of chocolate is an iPhone? That explains the brown ear.

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    Now that I’m awake again, I realize why I went to sleep in the first place.

  24. Nxxx says:

    You were bored.

  25. Ace Deuce says:

    Ah, everyone is asleep here in the Peta-Post. At times like this I wish I were a thief.

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Zzzzzzzzzz . . .

  28. Ace Deuce says:

    Zzzzzzzzzzz . . .

    I have to visit the Peta-Post at least once a year, or lose the lease.

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