I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.
He was 43.
That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.
Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.
And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.
“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”
Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.
He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.
And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.
And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.
And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.
Oh, and he could read floppy disks.
Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.
‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.
Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.
It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.
More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.
Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.
I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.
Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.
Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.
Well… see you next Wednesday.