In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.

And…

Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

278 thoughts on “In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.”

  1. Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye
    Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye Captain Birdseye

    PD: That was actually before Nxxx’s post. Regular time space theories no longer
    apply here thanks to that überdimensional bugger…

    Which reminds me…

    PD2: FIRST! (please refer to first post data for explanation)

  2. Oh so the Entity thinks he can just swan off without updating the Meet the Staff page?

    Typical! Bloody typical!

    Arcturians, hmmph. I ask you, all the bloody same. Last time I have them round for Krispy Kremes. What a bloody mess they left. Fused all me sockets.

    Good riddance I say.

  3. I’m back and I got my $40. I was also able to deliver all the plutonium but I am NEVER taking Schrödinger’s llama again. Every time we passed an intergalactic McDonald it wanted to stop for fries.

  4. Say, if Jon is AWOL for a whole week, does this mean that this is the start of “Son of TP”? (I.e., PetaPost!)

    Can we keep both TP and PP going at the same time?

    Is there a cross tunnel?

  5. Hmnmm I see a flaw in your plan. Only women usually need TP after PP and there aren’t a lot of us around here.

  7. That’s a scary thought. Multiple cross-links might ensure that we can always find one from the other, but some of us are sure to get lost. Besides doesn’t the Tera-Post have to croak before there can be a Peta-Post?

    Here’s the tunnel to the Tera-Post:

    ///////////////////////
    //////////////////////
    /////////////////////
    ////////////////////
    ///////////////////
    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=782
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

  8. Problem is, if you try to load both posts at the same time, the quantum indeterminacy collapses and you’re left with one post or the other.

    Never both.

    Sorry, but thems the breaks.

  9. On an unrelated note, anyone notice that the old and increasingly irrelevant AtAT site imploded leaving only a faint whiff of crufty vapour?

    Not sure if quantum mechanics was involved in this process or not.

  10. The Entity shall return on the iPhone.
    He’ll have his own button and everything.

  11. That I doubt. Fake Steve would try to box hi… it into a web 2.0 app, which would of course lead to a theological discussion between hi… it and Ajax, the Cupertinian God of Singularity Ponies, with the unavoidable result of every single iPhone turning into an overdrunk truckdriver in killing mood.

    Of course I could be entirely wrong.

    That’s quantum for ya.

  12. If we clap our hands will the Entity come back to life.

    Or, rather, this form of life? Y’know… like Tinkerbell…

  14. Re: space station;
    Engineers are unsure why the computers stopped working as a failure of this type has not occurred before.

    entity?

  16. “Arcturians, hmmph. I ask you, all the bloody same. Last time I have them round for Krispy Kremes. What a bloody mess they left. Fused all me sockets.”

    Typical!

    Came by here once. Ate all the light-bulbs and left little lumps of quartz all over the floor. No wonder he used a roman-candle smeared with Vaseline as an enema!

  18. Did anyone notice the… Whoa!

    Look! A grey cat!

    What was I talking about?

    I’m taking the rest of the night off. Moltz isn’t here to supervise, so I can do what I damn well please.

    Hey! Moltz! I’m taking the rest of the General Tso’s chicken.

  21. Well, the Entity left without giving the customary two-week notice so that a replacement could be trained. So I figured we no longer need to save the leftovers. Also, I have to do something with these chopsticks. Also, we can use that space for something else. I have a stack of 512 MB thumb drives that need to go somewhere.

  22. Out the kitchen window I can see the asparagus growing, likely due to the heavy rains these last few days. Regarding your aphid problem, this can be tackled with a product call Armly Tetch; you just sprinkle a little around the base of the tree, and since it’s not sistemic it won’t affect the fruit.

    Thanks for your question.

  23. Woe to thee that rag on the Entity, those guys at JPL don’t know everything do they, (crashing those Mars probes a few years back, got confused on meters and feet or somthing), we are talking about the Entity after all. If, and I mean IF he really wanted to come back to this plane of existance, I’m sure he could, and if, and I really mean IF this time, he did come back, I don’t want him pissed..

  24. Build a RAID 5 from the thumb drives. The result will be useless, but the geek-cred…

    …priceless!

  25. I tried to find the other pony but all I could find was this Ass, as soon as we came to a fork in the the quantum tunnel, he just sort of froze…

  27. OHH!! ?? Those post-Moltzian days…… I’m feeling dizzy… my mouth is dry… …… …. ….. I NEED MY CARS FIX… getting the trembles…. Oh Frax…. where am i going to get some CARS…. gotta find some…. cold sweat…. Geez Moltz
    how could you abandon us??? Just twaddle about how safari for windoz sukks… such inhumanity… whoa i do believe Entity just phazed in for a second…hummmm…

  28. Congratulations John. The Best Help Desk ever, especially the one about the Cinema Display, the iMic and the dwarf Anemone.

  29. The following classic writing 0was not found in an old Baltimore church:

    Go placidly
    Amid the noise and waste.
    And remember what comfort there may be
    In owning a piece thereof.

    Avoid quiet and passive persons
    Unless you are in need of sleep.

    Rotate your tires.

    Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
    And heed well their advice,
    Even though they be turkeys.

    Know what to kiss, and when.

    Consider that two wrongs never make a right
    But that Three do.

    Wherever possible, put people on hold.

    Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
    And despite the changing fortunes of time,
    There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

    Remember the Pueblo.

    Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

    Know yourself.
    If you need help, call the FBI.

    Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
    Especially with those persons closest to you.
    That lemon on your left, for instance.

    Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
    Would scarcely get your feet wet.

    Fall not in love therefore;
    It will stick to your face.

    Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
    The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
    And let not the sands of time
    Get in your lunch.

    Hire people with hooks.

    For a good time call 606-4311;
    Ask for Ken.

    Take heart amid the deepening gloom
    That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

    And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
    It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

    You are a fluke
    Of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    And whether you can hear it or not
    The universe is laughing behind your back.

    Therefore, make peace with your god
    Whatever you conceive him to be—
    Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

    With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
    The world continues to deteriorate.

    Give up.
    _______________________________________________________

    National Lampoon’s Deteriorata by Tony Hendra

  30. Now THAT has completely ruined my attitude to my tea towel with Desiderata on it.

    Revenge will be wreaked, very painfully.

  33. At least we have the Entity icon in the URL, so it’s like he’s not really gone away.

    Kind of like that bad taste in my mouth from when Steve Jobs held back that money we were paid that one time.

    He’s the bozo.

    Woz

  34. John, you progress to even bigger things. That was your best ever Sunday Post. Thank the Abbot for letting you out of the monastery enabling you to provide yet more great pleasure for your loyal readers.

  35. That’s a Jim Dandy idea Del. Trouble is there are so many. Take this little gem from January 2004.

    Rubinstein Tired Of Renting.

    If we get enough links we could create a quantum multiverse rather than a pipi post. We certainly don’t want to create a peta post, those animal rights activists couldn’t handle all that goes on with ponies and llamas around here.

  36. How do you do it John?
    Yet another best ever.
    This time, the Monday entry.
    Truly, we are not worthy.

  37. I agree, best post ever.
    I especially liked the non-existant fembot and Evil Goatâ„¢ references.

  38. Maybe all the fretting about the Entity leaving was not needed, The quality of John’s post have really improved, I really have to agree with Nxxx and Joe #2. Though I’m not really sure of the difference between a sexbot and fembot (even a fembot in a wet t-shirt)

  39. What a great blast from the past Streetrabbit.

    Rubenstein is right, going to the laundromat sucks.

  40. John,
    How do you do it?
    Yet another exemplary posting. You make Papa Hemingway seem juvenile and soon you’ll be surpassing Steinbeck. Indeed it is an honour to be allowed to post here.

  41. Wednesday and yet another deeply probing entry from John.
    Moltz, you’re marvellous.

  46. Is it too early to take down the crepe paper? I was kind of hoping we could tap that second keg.

    Did the entity drink beer? I’m a latecomer here and I don’t know all the lore. I hear the entity referred to with male pronouns; did he scratch himself at black tie affairs? Just curious.

  47. Deeply.
    Probing.
    Entry.

    Um…
    Nxxx, perhaps you should take a few minutes time out…

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